3 Simple Ways to Loving Yourself

We have all heard it: Love yourself first. Whether from an inspirational best selling author who teaches you the grounds to finding joy, or a sensational social media influencer who coaches you the steps to finding real love. It seems easy: Love yourself first and everything will fall into places. But as a compulsive learner, meaning seeker and recovered self-doubt perfectionist, I rekon, if "love" is the goal, what is the process? What are the tools?

During the first 15 minutes of my first EVER therapy session 16 months ago, my therapist asked: "Do you think you have a low self esteem?" I was embarrassed, and even a little angry that she would say such a thing (this could be the real reason it took me four more months and two more heartbreaks before I went back to her.) That was a ground breaking moment in my life. From the outside, I had been so put together, ambitious, strong-willed; therein lies the darkness that haunts me since childhood: I wanted to prove my worthiness. My theripist and I slowly worked out that my tedencies to be prepared, to have high expectations for myself, were fears based strategies made up so I can control the good outcomes. In other words, deep down I didn't think I could compare - low self esteem. While it might seem easy for some to truly feel the love within, for those who endure from lower self esteem (trauma, childhood, experience based) it could seem like a far-fetched journey to fall back in love with ourselves. I am here to share that journey with you. In fact, it could be simple, and it CAN be done any moment in your daily life

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" - Lao Tzu. Fear not, my friends. We are not going to need a thousand miles to get there, but you get the metaphor: the determination to take action, one small step at a time.

Curious now? But hold on, before we jump into the the 3 simple ways to loving ourselves, for the perfectionists, self-doubters and overthinkers, we need to first talk about the MISCONCEPTION OF LOVE. What is the first thing that comes in to your mind when someone says, love? Is it a feeling, a thought, a person, a puppy, a past or a future? You often hear this: "Love youself! Go out, have fun and find a hobby!" especially when you are drowning in doubts. It pretty much means: "When your life is not consumed with sadness and alone time, love comes!" This is the misconception of love. Love is not what we do to fill our time so we don't feel lonely, love is not something tangible to obtain so we feel satisfied. For any kinds of love, whether is intimacy, parenting, friendships, or self-love: LOVE is not a goal, it is a PROCESS, it is felt within. It is a practice of Acceptance, Presence, and Gratefulness.

1. Acceptance

I know this "low self esteem" concept is hard to swallow, especially if you are like me, who has a lot of pride. But the first step to recovery, is to accept that you are in the process of healing. The Power of Now author Eckhart Tolle says “All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself." I agree, and ”accept this moment fully" is the first step to loving ourselves. For the overthinkers, we are often perfectionists, what a popular concept, right? But no, trying to be perfect all the time, is often a reflection of lower self esteem. Because we SUBCONSCIOUSLY perceive that we do not possess the power or skills to do well in a particular area, so we do everything we can, to ensure the outcome can be perfect. In the process of fitting the squares into the circles, every obstacles can stir up unnecessary emotions and doubts, so we subconsciously start blaming, resisting, and doubting who we are. Non acceptance, is resistance, and resistance bring turbulence (when airplane faces disrupted air, turbulence arises.) Accept where you are right now in life, accept the situation has come up, accept your emotions (and don't act on it yet, let it be there); accept that your significant other has decided to leave you, accept that your friend is late to your meeting, accept that you are feeling unmotivated to get things done. "But that makes me seem weak." I know you, because I was once you :) No, this makes you stronger. Because you did not let what happened to you, dictates how you react. Breathe in, sit back, accept, breathe out, and lean into the moment; not the fight, not the duration of the wait, not the self talk, just THIS moment of you being here. Unfocus from the "situations" that make you uneasy, take the "good or bad" out of that experience. You will soon observe a growing senstaion in your body, we may call it space. That space, will contribute to the process of loving yourself.

2. Presence

That spcae you just observed, is your presence. Fun fact: I put "subconsciously" with some actions and emotions in the previous paragraph, why? Because 99% of our daily doings are derived from our subconscious being. For instance, do you pour coffee in the cup or milk first? Do you put on your right sock or the left first? When someone looks just like your ex walks by, what do you instantly think about? No matter the reason, at that moment, 6 o'clock in the morning, you do not think much of the milk or coffee first. Which means you are doing/thinking so unconsciously. Normally, performing daily routines unconsciously does not harm you, after all, you have gone through all your life this way. However, if you want to welcome more love and space within, conscious being is crucial. Being conscious means living life with purposes, and wouldn't you want to purposfully live out the rest of you live? Conscious and present practices bring inner joy, and this is the kind of joy that will bring you true love, not the materlized love. When you are being present in what you do, meaning, you are not enjoying a cup of coffee, YOU ARE enjoying this cup of coffee, the familiar aroma, the taste of the coconut creamer, and the imense comfort that runs through your veins, the quietness at 6 o'clock in the morning....you are being present, you are being loved.

Presence is not... the YOLO and living in the moment talk. That is another excuse for "I need something else to make me happy." Ekhart Tolle again conveys: "You don't have to wait for something 'meaningful' to come in to your life so that you can finally enjoy what you do." He further elaborates that more often than not, the unconscious mind "look to the world to bring you joy, happiness" but "You will enjoy any activity in which you are fully present." When your mind, is neither in the past or the future, and is fully present on the warm and fuzzy right sock that snuggles your foot so well, you are enjoying yourself. Bring your mind back to the present moment, especially in this age of "constant distractions" just for a little bit, and you will start feeling joy in whatever you do, as a result, you love yourself a little more.

3. Gratefulness

This moment right here, what do you feel? You don't have to name it, just recognize that you are feeling something changing in your body when you bring your attention to the now. As you breathe through the air and feel your body grounded on this earth (or chair) do you feel a little more space, more energy in you? The less you focus on your thoughts (and trust me, sometimes these thoughts can be ugly) the more you focus on your being. This is what Buddhists called "unfocus." You are cultivating your well-being when you unfocus on the noises created in your head. I called myself a warrior, a fighter, a survivor for a long time, and I was grateful for what I have endured to get to where I am today. Today, I see myself loved, progressed, and abundant. I am grateful for I AM. Do you see the difference in these two statements? One relives the pain and the past, one speaks for the present. "Are we not learning from our past?" Yes, we most definately should learn from our past. But we cannot LIVE in our past, that is the difference. Many of us suffer depression, becuase we are stuck in our past and how the past has conditioned us. "But how does being grateful fit in?" Being grateful alters our conditioned "victim, unworthy, not enough" mind set to more possibilities to shine within.

Our world, especially westrern world, is built on "wants." Turn on the TV and you see new cars, clothes, trends, the newest editions that you don't currently have. The marketers are telling you, you "need" this to fulfill your identity. It brings your "lacks" to the table. Any desires drive from lack create self doubt, self sabatage, because we are telling ourselves we are not enough. How can we love ourselves if we constantly feel lack? Maybe we don't have enough, maybe we are scraping by. But what does self sabataging and grief going to get you? Nothing but heartache. So let's change the game, let's start appreciating. By feeling the gratitude in you, for everything you have received and will recieve, you open your heart for greater (untangible) things to come - including peace. When you recognicze the space and peace in you, you are able to see the world (or even yourself) in a different perspective and face difficulties in different attitude than hate. And the oppisite of hate, is love. Start there :)

Why did I focus on the perfectionists, the self-doubters and the overthinkers? Because like you, I was once there. I used to let all the outside noises numb my pain, the pain that I inflicted on myself because I could not get out of my head (my thoughts), get out of being not good enough. I hit the bottom of the cave and the possible ways out are either rise or vanish. I chose to rise. The choice is yours, because I could not possibly tell you what is right or wrong. But I can tell you, by practicing Acceptance, Presense, and Gratefulness, you will feel a light within you, and that is a start of this healing journey.

When there is self doubt, we are fearful of losing something: our integrity, our status quo, our partner, our freedom. Yoda said, "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Again, the opposite of hate? You got it: Love. End your suffering by loving yourself more and more, everyday.

Instead of finding love for yourself by the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the people you identify with, I invite you to welcome love by observing the love within you. Start small, by breathing in the air and exhaling the oppresive sense of lack, accept that this is you, being on this earth; at this given moment, you are exactly where you are. Observe one thing you are grateful for today: the kind barista, the man who held your door, the time you spend reading this article. Lastly, "I am grateful for what I am about to receive" as you affrim the gratitude and the uncertainty of the future (we are prone to "worry" about the future,) your energy field instantly change, and the possibilities....BEGIN.