No One Will Love You

"No One will ever love like I do. You're lucky to even have me." He bent over and hollered at me as I crouched down against the wall covering my head, praying he wouldn't hit me again. I could feel a painful lump forming on my head in the spot where he decked me with the current hard cover book I had been reading at the time of this particular attack.

As I continued to crouch in fear while he continued to yell insults at me, I wondered what I had done to set him off so badly. Not that it ever took much to set him off. By the time he was finished insulting me, telling me how ugly and gross I was, the yelling had simmered to a teeth grinding, spitting kind a angry whisper. I felt the spittle from his ignorant mouth splash againt my hand and the little bits of my face that showed through between my fingers.

There must have been nothing more he could think to say in order to hurt me mentally so he went back to causing me more physical pain. "Fuck you, you stupid little whore," he grunted at me as he he kicked me in the hip. The kick sent searing pain throughout my left hip which gave me a slight limp for almost a week later. The bruise, at its worst, was the size of a large fist.

As he turned to walk out of the room, he looked back at me and said, "Don't ever talk to another man again."

"WHAT! What other man? What the hell is he talking about? What did I do wrong?" These questions ran through my mind as I wracked my brain trying to search it for any situation through out the day that could have caused him to behave so viciously toward me.

We had gone out earlier in the day to pick up a few things at the grocery store and on our way back home, we stopped off at the local movie store to pick out something to watch together that night after the kids went to bed. Both cashiers at both places were male. Other than polite pleasentries, I couldn't recall talking to anyone. You know, standing there at the till while a cashier rings your items through the till?

"How's your day going so far? Any big plans for the weekend? Have a nice day." Typical cashier to customer conversation. No flirting or anything of the sort.

Could that really have been it? To this day, I still don't know for sure as I was always too afraid to ask out of fear that it would set him off again. As I mentioned before, setting him off was not hard to do.

I showered as I could hear the kids playing together in their room and I didn't want them to know anything had just happened. I washed my hair so gently over the lump on my head which was growing into an intense headache and I stood with most of my weight on my right foot to take the pressure off my painful hip.

I got out, got the boys ready for bed, tucked everyone in and went out to the living room. There he was, sitting on the couch with the remote in his hand. "Well, there you are. It's about time." He said with a playful smirk on his face. "Come on babe, lets snuggle up and watch the movie."

I sat next to him, watched the movie and pretended to enjoy it. All the while, reliving in my mind, the beating I had just recieved. It looped over and over but, I pushed my painful emotions down as deep as I could and pretended to be happy.

This was only one of many beatings i recieved in the long four years I stayed with the son of a bitch. And let me tell you, so many years later, even though I am married to a man who treats me like a queen, I still think about those horrible times and wonder why i felt the need to stay with him.