Need Less

Need Less

Part 2

We are not broken. To mend this mindset we must want less, need less, require less and be more grateful. No, I am not saying don’t have boundaries; I am not saying let people run all over you or even let life run all over you. I’m saying the complete opposite. 

I’m going to use my relationship as the first example. When my partner and I united, we had personal issues/ traumas we were carrying with us. My traumas were:

• Abandonment

• Commitment Issues

• Controlling

• Attached to people’s view of me

• High expectations

• Suppressing My Emotions until they explode (I’m still working on this)

• Anger issues

• Perfectionist

• People pleaser

• Fantasizing about potential

• Over giving

• Emotionally detached

• Hypervigilance

• Testing

• Comparison

• Scorekeeping

• Resentment

• Idealization

• Reactivity

• All or nothing thinking

• Fear of being unchosen

His Personal wounds were:

• Withdrawal

• Defensiveness

• Emotional Suppression

• Stubbornness

• Avoidance

• Detachment

• Pride

• Control

• Difficulty with vulnerability 

• Difficulty communicating emotional needs

With all of this on our shoulders we still carried room for love. Even still the baggage had to go somewhere. We projected our fears, our insecurities and the past onto one another. As if being in love with someone meant being their punching bag. 

We both lacked certain requirements as a kid; aspects of life only our parents and ourselves can give to us. For example, I lacked true attention; someone actually giving me their time to know me. Not tell me what they think I should do but actually hear me when I say what I want. I lacked true guidance. I always ended up around corrupted, misbehaved children. I wasn’t truly protected. My dad has a separate family from my sibling and I; and my mom also had a separate family, so I always felt alone. Like no one paid me any mind unless I had something to give. Or maybe they were bored. Growing up I believed you had to earn someone’s love. There had to be a REASON for someone to like me or enjoy my company. 

I always made sure there was something I could give when making friends or romantic relationships. I realize now when there was nothing for me to give someone else I would automatically detach. I would have it in my mind they would leave me anyway because I’m not adding onto their experience. 

I can’t speak too much for my lover, but I can say a few things he has told me he had to heal from. You’ll notice almost all of the shadow aspects of himself he had to pay attention to are similar to mine. When getting into a relationship, he’s more of a giver. And so am I; we both used to attach our worth on how much we can help someone or how much we can support a cause. Because of this we were really difficult on each other. One wrong move and one of us or both of us spazz out on the other. This relationship is teaching us both patience and compassion. 

He would say he’d always had that for me, but there were plenty of times in the past that he was impatient or avoidant towards me. 

In the beginning of us dating I didn’t trust him and I gave off a lot of passive aggressive energy. He was fully blown into me, but he didn’t trust me either because I had ghosted him in the past... So, the relationship started off with this energy of fear; and fear is attracted to lust, attracted to dishonesty, attracted to jealousy, attracted to anger. My relationship had all the elements to destroy a relationship. It also had all of the ingredients to create stability as well. 

Here’s all of my great qualities:

• Loyal

• Caring

• Affectionate

• Protective

• Patient

• Committed

• Supportive

• Generous

• Passionate

• Nurturing

• Romantic

• Intuitive

• Forgiving

• Understanding

• Emotionally deep

• Honest about my feelings

• Family Oriented

• Hardworking

• I make people feel important

• Self-reflective

• Willing to grow

• Strong Hearted

• Reliable

My Lovers Great Qualities:

• Passionate

• Patient when he cares

• Loyal

• Protective

• Independent

• Responsible

• Hard-Working

• Reliable

• Strong-minded

• Persistent

• Caring through actions

• Family Oriented

• Observant

• Private

• Emotionally strong

• Ambitious

• Practical

• Capable of Commitment

I’ve decided to see only the beautiful qualities in myself first. This allowed my eyes to open wider to his beauty. He has loved me unconditionally through all of my toxic moments and he would say it’s his pleasure. Why? Because of love. And there’s nothing he’s gaining but many more headaches to come. This is the love I’m happy to experience. Through its ugliness it showed me true appreciation. 

It allowed me to let go of all of the aspects of life I tried to control.

• I had a fear of being lied to and cheated on-> He cheated on me and lied (Told the truth later)

• I wanted a clingy man-> Wasn’t clingy at all in the beginning but became clingy over time.

• I wanted a man more public -> Private

Basically, everything he is, is the opposite of what I asked for. But funny enough, he is the spitting image of me. He’s my mirror and we grew together. I can’t tell you exactly why he cheated; I can’t tell you exactly why I love him. I can tell you that I don't see myself with anyone else. 

This doesn’t make me stupid. This helps me forgive.