My Wife Refuses To Go To Marriage Counseling (How To Convince My Wife To Go To Marriage Counseling)

The idea of marriage counseling is usually brought up and pursued by one partner, initially. The issue of marriage counseling is often a topic of discussion between partners for some time before the couple actually finds their way to the counselor's office. There are a number of reasons why one partner would be resistant to couples counseling:

1) they are happy with the way that things are (regardless of whether the partner is happy).

2) they are satisfied with their amounts and types of power in the relationship and are concerned that counseling may alter those.

3) they are afraid about topics, issues, feelings, or events that may come up in counseling

4) they believe that "the problem" is solely the problem of the partner

5) they have detached to the point where they are just physically present and do not want to invest emotionally in the relationship.

6) they believe that the counselor will take the other partner's side and that counseling will turn into being an opportunity for the spouse to have help in lecturing, scolding, ridiculing, or emotionally beating them up.

7) they have no desire to change anything about themselves.

Is it worth it to try to get your spouse in couples counseling? In a word--yes. One of the most common things I see in couples counseling is one spouse persistently negotiating for change in the relationship, trying to get her needs met, etc. and the other person ignoring or stonewalling. Eventually the one who has been trying to connect and restore a sense of "us" or a sense of being "important" to the spouse, just gives up, detaches, and quits asking or trying to engage their partner. They often have an affair and/or decide to get a divorce. The one that seems to have been indifferent or not engaged in the relationship, will wake up, and say, "What happened? I thought we were happy?"

So if one person in the relationship is not happy with it, the relationship has a problem. A good marriage counselor does not approach couples counseling with "who is right or wrong or more right/more wrong". They look at the relationship systemically -- what the problems are, what the couple is doing to solve those problems, and how it is/is not working. They help the couple learn communication and problem solving, and help them create a safe environment where difficult issues and feelings can be discussed so that hurts and ill feelings can be worked through and resolved. They cannot fix your marriage, but they will teach you how to, if you are willing to do the work.

Couples often come into counseling with one partner believing that the other partner is the only one needing "to do the work". They quickly discover that each has their own work to do, to heal the relationship. Once they get to counseling office and discover the counselor's neutrality, and absence of finger pointing, it makes it safer and more conducive for each person to own their own part of the problem and the solution.

What to Do If Your Spouse Won't Go to Counseling

"What should I do if my spouse won't go to counseling?"

I often hear this from my clients. What are they really saying with this question?

Generally, they are saying something like:

"My unhappiness is coming from my spouse's behavior," or "The problems in our marriage are my spouses' fault," or "My spouse needs to change for me to be okay."

As long as you believe any of these statements, then you will be focused on your spouse's issues rather than on your own issues. In fact, focusing on your spouse's behavior rather than on your own is a way of avoiding responsibility for your own feelings and needs.

So, if you are having marital problems or you are feeling unhappy in the marriage and your spouse won't go to counseling, then you go!

In counseling, you need to focus on your own thoughts and actions that are causing your unhappy feelings, rather on what your spouse is doing. You need to be exploring the following questions:

o How are you treating yourself that is causing you to feel unhappy?

o How are you responding to your spouse's behavior that is making you unhappy?

o Are you being reactive to your spouse's unloving behavior with your own unloving behavior, and then blaming your spouse for your reactions?

o Do you have expectations of how your spouse should be if he or she really loves you, and then you feel disappointed because your expectations are not met? Do you need to reevaluate your expectation of your spouse, which may be unrealistic?

o Are you being realistic about who your spouse is? Are you expecting your spouse to be someone he or she is not or doesn't want to be?

o Are you making your wellbeing dependent upon your spouse?

o Are you taking responsibility for yourself, or are you abandoning yourself in some way?

These are just some of the questions you might want to explore in your therapy.

One partner making a major change in a relationship can change the entire relationship. If you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and make the changes you need to make yourself happy, then you will see whether or not you have a viable relationship. You might be surprised to find that, when you are happy within yourself and no longer have your eyes on your spouse, he or she also changes. If, in response to your happiness, your spouse gets more angry or distant, you might need to consider that your spouse does not have your highest good at heart. At this point you would either need to accept things as they are, or leave the relationship.

Relationships are a system, with both partners participating in the system. When one partner changes the system, the whole system changes. For example, if you are a caretaker and your spouse is a taker, and you stop caretaking and start to take loving care of yourself, one of two things will happen. Either your spouse will be impressed with seeing you be happy, will gain more respect for you and start to take better care of herself, or he or she will be angry and feel abandoned. Even if your spouse initially gets angry and feels abandoned, this does not mean that at some later time he or she won't shift and become more self-responsible. With the clients that I work with, most of the time when one partner really does take full responsibility for himself or herself, the other partner eventually stops being angry and starts to learn to take care of themselves.

When each partner in a relationship take full responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they move beyond neediness and blame, and are able to share their love with each other.

It's all up to you! If you don't take this action to save your marriage, then who will?

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