My war

”Do you think I will ever be without you?”, I say in despair.

We had reached the point where I could stare right into my enemy’s eyes, I was not sure if I was staring because I feared or because I was powerful.

I bet the reason for my stare was only unclear to me, I would probably figure it out. Or not.

“Will I ever be without you?

Will there be a time when you and all your friends will not be with me?

May I be allowed to be without you? Please”. I was hoping my desperate plea would be enough. Enough to be set free.

I underestimated how cold it could be, a little too much.

Cold fingers caress my face, I shudder in fear. Fear because I did not know what to expect next.

“You and I know you can not be without me. Even if I let you go”.

“That’s a lie”, I defend. “If you would truly… truly let me be. My life would be perfect.

But you are always here, preying on me. Watching me.

The second I feel free, you swoop in and attempt to drown me”, I’m on a roll and just want to express everything I feel.

“Drown you?”.

“How dare you ask me that in disbelief? I hate you so much”, I exclaim.

“Yet you can not live without me”.

“I will and I can. I need to find a way to shake you off permanently”, I resolve strongly.

I am met with silence. Then after a moment,

“It is hilarious to watch you think you can gain control over me. I am practically your soul at this point.

Your soul is equivalent to anxiety. That is why every time you run away, I get back to you. You call for me without even realizing it, you are mine!”.

Anxiety wraps me in it’s cold embrace, I should run but it feels so good. I want to be here but I do not want to.

I love it here but I hate it so much.

Sometimes the cold can be your best friend, I begin to return the embrace.

Drowning down, down, down,

I can feel myself spiral down, so fast that I forget what it feels like to be up.

Up?

I love up, good things happen up. Up is warm, I wish I’d be up forever. And then,

I scream!

Air, I need air. This thought pushes me till I break out the surface.

I feel free, shaken up but free.

I am pretty much familiar with this though, freeing my self from anxiety and starting to feel normal.

I know how it goes though, I always fall back.

Just the thought of it makes me feel like I am about to be swallowed up again.

I can not let that happen, I refuse to.

One way or the other I must break this cycle.

I watch what I say, what I do and how I feel. Anything to never be revisited.

My worst enemy or my best friend, I an unsure what anxiety is to me.

Sometimes I bask in its presence, other times I wallow in despair and try to fight.

A misstep, a poorly corrected error and I’m back into falling. The cycle continues.

Most of the time I know how to stop the fall before it starts, but I refuse to.

Maybe I do love anxiety, maybe it is a permanent part of my life.

I would do anything to run but sometimes,

Sometimes, I want to watch what happens next.

Will it kill me?