My life as an asexual

So, let’s pretend there was a girl who never connected well with people.

Middle school sucked, as middle school always does. Friends came, went, and changed. Boys weren’t very interesting, but maybe she was just a “late bloomer.” High school also sucked, but more for the stress of school work than personal relationships. Boys still weren’t great. Some of them were starting to fill out, but they were still all so …immature. Not worth her time. Girls were ok to hang out with, but she didn’t really see herself as being ‘into’ them. Her friends liked to joke that she was “the straightest in the group,” but that always felt somewhat off.

Fast forward four years, a few boyfriends/dates, and a lot of research, and suddenly she knows why. She’s asexual, not straight! It is, understandably, very easy to confuse the two.

But wait, you say - because I have not yet seen fit to duct tape your mouths so you still have the ability to interrupt me - what is that? What is asexual? Does that have something to do with plants?

I’m glad you asked! I reply, considering how much duct tape I have left to prevent future outbursts. It has nothing to do with plants!

Asexual is like heterosexual (straight) or homosexual (gay), or possibly even more like bisexual - instead of being defined by who they’re attracted to, asexuals are mostly defined by who they’re not attracted to which, long story short, is everyone. There are varying levels, just like there is for any sexuality, but for most people there is no sense of sexual attraction to any person, of any gender.

But wait, you say again - having taken the duct tape off - I thought you said she dated? Why bother?

Well, I say, contemplating the benefits of super glue, that’s where it gets a little deeper.

Here’s where the split attraction model comes in. There are various types of attraction that a person can experience. The main two, the ones most people see as the same thing, are sexual attraction and romantic attraction. There are others - aesthetic attraction, sensual attraction, and platonic attraction, to name a few - but the most entwined are those two. A person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction is asexual, and a person who doesn’t experience romantic attraction is aromantic (not to be confused with aromatic, which is when they smell).

The easiest way to describe the difference, I think, is to put it like this: there are certain people you see on the street and think about having sex with, and there are certain people you see on the street and think about getting married to. These are not necessarily the same people. Sometimes, these are not necessarily the same gender.

For example, one of my friends has told me that while she is attracted to both males and females, she could really only see herself in a relationship with a guy. Similarly, my fiancé has admitted that he is bisexual, but prefers actually dating women to men.

In my case, (And here is where I surprise you with the knowledge that the hypothetical girl from the beginning was ME the whole time! I bet no one saw that coming!) I am asexual but probably biromantic (the jury’s still out on that one). For me, this means that I have no desire to have sex with anyone but that I would be open to a relationship with the right person, regardless of gender. My fiancé, for one, is super supportive and aware of my boundaries, and gives me all the benefits of a romantic relationship without all that annoying sex business.

No sex, you say - because at this point I have given up - what do you mean no sex? Surely everyone wants sex!

Well, not me. I’m just not wired that way. I have very little libido so it’s not something I think about very often, especially since there’s no attraction to pull my mind towards it. I have to actively stop sometimes and remember that not everyone is like me. When it comes to ads and the whole ‘sex sells’ mindset, half the time I’m left more confused and less likely to buy whatever product than a straight person would be. It’s like missing a step down the stairs, that small pause that reminds me that other people see the world differently.

If any of this strikes a chord with you, either about yourself or someone you’re close to, here are some FAQs that I’ve never been personally asked but assume that you would ask if you were capable of leaving comments:

Q: How do I know if I may be… what you said?

A :If you have to ask “But what does sexual attraction mean??” then chances are very high that you’re asexual. I’m assured that when you do experience it, you don’t have to ask. Same goes for aromantic - if you have to ask, chances are that you are. But I encourage you to do more research on your own.

Q: But what about the sex??

A: It’s entirely possible! Some asexual people have a high libido and active sex life! There’s just not really any focus to it, so personal standards - like personality and such - are a lot more important.

Q: But wait, isn’t that how plants do it?

A: Yes, but also no. While some plants may be asexual that refers to their reproductive practices. I have not yet heard of a person reproducing by themselves (disregarding certain religious texts, at least).

Q: Does this count as that LGBTOIJXDVG whatever?

A: Yes! The acronym is (typically) LGBTQA, which is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer, and Ace (which is how we shorten asexual because it’s easier to say and sounds way cooler). I know some people don’t consider us part of the community because it’s so easy for us to “pass” as straight, but I personally don’t think that type of gatekeeping is the point of the community so I don’t listen to the haters.

Honestly, learning all of that was one of the best things I ever did. I understood myself and the outside world much better once I had a label to apply. And if I can reach out and help someone else on that road to self discovery, that’s even better.

Also, credit where credit is due, the cover image I borrowed is from a weekly comedy podcast about asexuality and aromanticism. I would highly recommend checking it out!

Please consider leaving a tip if you liked my writing, learned something new, or just have extra money to spend! (And since there’s no way to leave comments, if you tip exactly $2.05 I’ll know exactly what you’re trying to say. ;-) )