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My Husband Complains About Everything I Do (My Husband Says Everything I Do Is Wrong)

I remember one night, after a bad fight, sitting in an old neighborhood bar and telling my best friend my husband complains about everything I do? She sort of laughed at me, shook her head and asked me "are you serious". There's nothing worse than having to say my husband says everything I do is wrong.

By John BillPublished 3 years ago Updated 2 years ago 5 min read

If I tell you that something you have done is disturbing or unacceptable to me, and you reply attacking me...then we are in trouble, and so is our relationship. Abusive relationships are fertile ground for this kind of interaction.

The perpetrator does not bring empathy to the interaction and cannot see what is presented from their partner's experience. Instead, all that is heard is a "criticism." With the perceived criticism on the table, discomfort sets in...precipitating a reflexive externalization of blame and, in some cases, an outright assault upon the "criticizer."

The reply may be one in which the perpetrator tells the victim that their perceptions are inaccurate. Or he/she may tell the abused that their feelings simply aren't valid or are due to some deficiency within them.

With this exchange, one can expect a spiraling of conflict that cascades into a fight or gets swept under the carpet for both parties to trip over in the days, weeks and years ahead.

Battering to Enrichment

Now if, on the other hand, the criticism were met with some degree of mere listening (with the intent to analyze and understand) then the door would open for self-reflection, accountability, ownership and responsibility. From here, the couple can negotiate agreements acceptable to both parties. And no one is hurt, as the relationship grows and becomes enriched.

Sounds reasonable, correct? The question you maybe asking yourself is how to I get from A to B? How can our relationship go from having the first kind of exchange that nets us interpersonal/relationship violence to the second exchange that inspires harmony and enrichment?

If you are asking this question, you may be ripe for a relationship makeover designed to end partner abuse and promote satisfying relationship interaction.

7 Tips For a More Successful Fight

With over half of all marriages ending in divorce and 66% of them being filed by women, one needs to consider how the blissful wedding day turns sour enough to warrant tossing the entire relationship, like a bowl of rotten green beans found in the back of the refrigerator. Relationships never crumble in a single day or conflict, but rather decay over time. Much of this atrophy occurs as a result of poor conflict management skills. Below are several tips for dealing with conflict successfully in marriage.

Tip 1: Listen Well

Ever get into a disagreement only to find out that you are talking about apples and your spouse is talking about oranges? By the time one of you figures this out, oftentimes the words have been heated and pride steps in, making it difficult to pull back, admit we didn't understand and start over. Asking questions without jumping to conclusions will help you listen more effectively.

Tip 2: Clarify

For some of us, the only exercise we get is jumping to conclusions. Avoid this common mistake by asking a clarifying question: "If I understand what you are saying, you mean, (whatever your spouse said)" If the answer is, "Yes!" then you know you disagree with your spouse. If the answer is, "No!" then you have reached a place where really good information is about to be revealed. This helps you avoid the conflict.

Tip 3: Empathize with His or Her Point of View

Oftentimes we start arguing with our spouse's opinion, without honoring them, or recognizing the person involved in the conflict first. We are so quick to disagree with the topic; we forget we are going to come off as disagreeing with the person. We can diffuse a potentially volatile situation simply by letting them know that we can understand their perspective. If we honestly cannot see things from their point of view, then we need to really try to have empathy and ask questions. Growing up in the home she or he grew up in has created many points of view for all of us - so can we just try to understand how they feel? Not the easiest thing to do sometimes, but critical to successful conflict resolutions.

Tip 4: Ask Yourself, "So What?"

Many of us have a hard time allowing other people to be wrong. We feel as though we have a moral obligation to correct the world. The problem with this is that it causes a ton of dissension. People generally care less about being right than they do about being heard. When we carefully listen, clarify, empathize with his or her point of view, and then ask ourselves, "Does it really matter if my husband thinks we bought this lamp at Dillards or is it more important that he know we got it at Target?" Our spouse can hear us more clearly if we are not constantly disagreeing with them. So, pick and choose your battles carefully.

Tip 5: Never Enter into Conflict When Emotional

If you want to guarantee yourself a problem and a poor interaction with your spouse, engage in disagreements when upset! Your lack of emotional control will help to escalate the issue to a full-blown fight, usually resulting in regretted words being spoken on both sides. Choosing to wait until you can speak about things rationally will help tremendously - for both of you. You will be able to think clearly and hear better and so will your spouse.

Tip 6: Support Your Position with Evidence and a Question

If you get through all the other steps and still decide you want to disagree, start your position with a story that demonstrates your opinion. "Three days ago, I went to take Carol to basketball practice and I got halfway there and realized that the van was out of gas and we might not make it. I had to stop and fill up, and we were late as a result. I understand how you feel about John's being able to use the van, and I'd like to see him be more responsible with the gas situation so that it doesn't negatively impact anyone else. How does that thought fit into what you are thinking?" An open ended question (one that is not a "yes" or "no" response) keeps the dialogue going and prompts further understanding.

Tip 7: Never Say "But"

Avoid saying, "but," "however," "although," "though," and, "yet," because these words negate everything you've just said. We are tempted to say them after we've empathized with our spouse, BUT, we need to fight that temptation and use the word, "and," or just take a pause. Depending on our tone of voice, "but" can also come across like, "you idiot."

Watching our tone of voice and following these 7 tips can help you have healthier interactions with your spouse when you disagree!

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage. To learn more visit: Steps to Save Your Marriage


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    JBWritten by John Bill

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