Memories: 6 May 2023

6 May 2024

I had a nice quiet day today. It was sunny outside. I stripped my bed and did loads of washing. Charley was happy outside too. Although I am still nervous about leaving her unattended after our carpet python visitor in my bathroom on Friday evening. Eek! I worry it eats her!

6 May 2023

Jackie Burns: Hope you had a good night. You will be sleeping it off now.💃💃

Me: Jackie Burns I had an insanely good night. I just woke up after 5 hours sleep. The voodoo god Papa Legba was with me, all night long.

I was in my “masculine” energy. I firehoisted one inordinately young man, but not to be threatening…just for fun. The dear went all limp in my arms (playfully) so I think he made it easier for me to lift him half a metre off his feet! (What was that?!) security gave me a withering glare! I just stared blankly back. Mama T was in Da House!

I attracted very young men most of the night. It was hilarious but shows me that my mojo is still “off”.

The djs were quite good but they played more doof dofff Molly music but I managed to dance through that.

I came close to entering a light trance a few times but that pounding beat is aggravating to my nervous system.

I didn’t drink all night (except Sally bought me one JD towards the end of the night) as the bar was so crowded with mostly men from the football. I hate football. But the older men were respectful and the younger ones Uber enthusiastic.

Towards the end of the night, my left hand seized from my middle finger going up my arm. It involuntarily seized into a claw and I freaked out as it kinda hurt. So I think that was my nervous system telling me I was past all my “winds” so it was time to go home!

I went and sat down for a while as I could barely walk from all the dancing and worried about my hand and possibly stroking out! But it settled down…thank god. I had a busy day yesterday finishing off a few pendants (soldering my gumnut babies!) so I really was pushing myself with the frenetic wild dancing.

Interestingly the usual saboteur characters weren’t there last night. Totally different vibe. But I managed to freak them out in true Tanya style.

Deify! The goddess. Was in.Da House.

I did approach one man who has been watching me for the past few weeks. I openly asked him if he has a brother named Dave? He replied “No” so I replied “Good because I hate being spied on by my ex lovers!” He gave me a really sweet compassionate smile.

But honestly that man looks so much like him and has his same nervous habit of looking utterly terrified with his eyes darting everywhere while observing me from the end of the room that it is indeed unsettling for me.

So I told him he needs to overcome his anxiety and get off his arse and join me in the Dance!! Which freaked him out even more but I decided was hilarious and a true measure of the man and also…I think he is a spy. If not for Dave then possibly for some other nefarious reasons.

My instincts are never wrong (Especially in a light trance, on by then….my fourth wind!)

Yes Mama T was incredibly powerful last night and it was good to be fully back in my spirit even if it scares the bejesus out of the “normies”.

Oh and another regular, Daniel came up and gave me a most amazing bear hug and a peck on the lips and told me as he does every weekend that he loves me and he was like a warm safe balm to my overly activated spirit.

If he didn’t bear the double eagle of the reich on his left back calf I would trust him more. He has never been harmful towards this crazy Jewish girl but one never knows.

I once commented on his tattoo and he argued it was ancient and had nothing to do with the Reich (they say the same thing about the swastika…) but it still gives me the heebie jeebies.

But I suppose my tattoo of the burning bush with Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh does the same. PROTECTION from the supernal realms. Will unhinge certain spirits.

Daniel really does love me too. He made a point of coming to see me and dancing around me even as I was simultaneously dancing with a 20 something old who was a great little ham in his passionate way.

Hahahaha. To quickly friendzone the kid I was making baby rocking motions with my arms and pretending to throw the baby over my shoulder. He got the message loud and clear but still cavorted with me.

Baby baby baby. I am attracting all the sweet loving baby boys.

Oh well…I have put a lot of energy into pining for that unrequited dreadlocked nitwit, also grieving for lost grandchildren we may never have, so it makes sense that young men are drawn to my energy lately.

Part of the healing process…little refractions of the mirror of my cracked and broken heart.

Man I worry about the epileptic type seizure in my hand though. I hope I don’t stroke out!

More reason to dance as often as I can as I am getting older and more fragile.

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Gratitude to those spirits both incarnate and eternal who See me at my most Vulnerable but also at my most Powerful …and Love me anyway. I could not be doing this life without you!

6 May 2021

Yesterday I spent grinding with my mini drill/grinder fake dremel! I managed, after several hours of intensive labour, to cut deeper into my copper sign.

Today I was fairly knackered but in the late afternoon I managed to saw off a few fork handles with a view to making more bracelets and pendant.

I am consciously upping my protection on my front gate. I might need to buy a troll cross to fend off the useless fucking trolls I find on Marketplace. Lol

I just had to laugh. I made a spoon with the words in fake-Latin saying “never let the bastards grind you down.

But that same day I was busy grinding my copper sign and those words.

Something was really grinding my gears or activating my Grind.

I think...nay...I know...that life has whittled me down, ground me down enough. If my Worth could be enhanced by all that grinding why I’d be a Diamond by now. Shimmering in Infinity, an ornament for the ever whimsical and capricious Ein Soph.

How does that make me feel?

Stoic, poetic, noetic and a little bit crazy, my dears!

But the grinding and whetting and whelping and the flogging of my personal dead horse with No Name continues! I wanted one thing out of life. I could not even achieve that much.

What did my estranged daughter send me in a missive lately? “Too little, too late”...

Well FUCK THAT. I am better Late than Never and if her heart can’t incorporate me then, fly my pretty! Fly!

I can do this life alone. Been doing it. But by all the stars, my wild trickster gods and every atom in the known and yet unknown multiverses...I will keep striving for that which was always Mine by Divine Decree. Which is everyone and everything’s...Love!!!

Now excuse me while I have to scream...and drill and grind fripperies of meaningless value that I am trying to “monetise” like a rabid desperate Bitch.

(My end goal is I want Prosperity so I can buy my own home again and travel to all the sacred spaces/places and commune with my gods!)

I realise that is ridiculous. I have a roof over my head and I can commune in thought-form in a millisecond with any entity that I choose.

But it’s a nice psychedelic dream...to stand in my physical body where all the gods and mortals have stood before in the most sanctified spaces.

To immerse myself in holiness and awe and love.

Why all this pressure...Tanya?

I am catching up for lost and stolen decades. Chasing my own tail. Like the fox and the hounds and my ancient Wolvish kin. Craving adventure and harmonic resonance in the world of Men.

I know it’s probably not gonna happen. But I can play this uplevelling virtual unreality until I manifest all my Dreaming.

Like the dickhead I really am and possibly always will be.

It’s a hobby! The psychedelic dreaming keeping me in illusory contentment and containment until I leave this mortalised mortifying fossilised fractured deceptive cruel existence.

What then? Who knows? But oh what fun shall I be having...now and forever in the summer lands!

6 May 2020

11:11 pm enjoy another beautiful day in Paradise

6 May 2019

Almost 3 years later. I am over those rat finks. Getting slowly better. Blossoming again in my spirit. Living life as my own precious gift and yes Julie...still trying to fulfil my ”Destiny”.

Thanks for defending me that day on Paltalk. I must have been still in post-suicide fog or I would have ripped Musicman that foul Italian-American a new arsehole. I hope karma got him instead. I hope it’s not pretty.

Truth be told: even at my Dead-est, I was more alive than most people. A scary concept!

12 June 2016

I woke up at 11.30 am. Not much sleep. Feel heavy and dizzy. But I have been outside, hanging more washing, fiddling with the back fish pond. So tired! I think I will go with the flow. Fits and starts of alertness then rest. Sooner or later, when the meds have finally left my body I will come back into some sort of balance.

At the moment I feel like I am dying and David the Devo is dragging me to the other side. His collusion with my mother and Buck cost me everything, including my daughter, Jasmine.

She felt abandoned by my great love for him so acted out by shoplifting and that spiralled into hell. Her, narcissistically manipulating me and Crystal in my poverty and me trying to finish the job of raising her without killing anyone, including myself, took its toll.

I considered calling her to tell her he is dead. But it won't change anything. Her fucked personality is stamped in concrete and carved in ancient bloodlines. Too late to turn hatred and sociopathology into love.

David: "I really admire Jasmine. She is her own person. She won't let anyone manipulate her".

He saw a kindred spirit perhaps. She was one of his kind. Full of greed and loathing for anyone perceived to stand in their way. Line 'em up and knock 'em down.

Well here I am still standing after the millionth time, I got up again. But I hear it on the wind and in my soul. I don't want to get up anymore. I don't want any more trauma or battles with nasty mindless drug-fucked low-life miscreants. Not one of my enemies were worthy of my love or my fight.

Shhhh! Self-soothe. Ssshhhh.

Today is another day of healing and loving the rotten carnage of the desecration of my soul.

A few months after my last suicide attempt last August I was in a chat room in Paltalk. The room owner ( I have known him as two-faced, an anti-Semite and a nasty man), after welcoming me back to Paltalk asked me matter of factly "I thought you were dead! Are you telling me you are not dead yet?" I said "yeah, well you get that".

Julie told him "I saved her". He said, vindictively "What for?" Julie replied calmly and patiently as though responding to a petulant child that has lost his lollipop "For her true Destiny, of course". That shut the evil little cunt up but at the time I was still reeling from the fact that I was still alive and still kind of angry about that.

Destiny, I thought. What fucking fucked up Destiny? I have had enough bullshit! …But I healed from the shock of so many wishing me dead and relished in so few magical beautiful wise spirits, like Julie, Jarrod and Lyn cheering me on and carrying me if they had to. That is true love.

Then the spirit of David Davidson alerted me to the fact of his death. (I wonder what he died of?)

Is this my destiny? To see that G-D loved me enough to let me see the final lynch pin in my familial abuse be smited before me? Is that my gift for believing in karma and natural justice. For believing in Love and the bonds of Love that bind us for eternity.

I cut another liar loose this morning. The Davidian line should have stopped with my father, and then David Davidson.

I don't have any strength left in my heart and soul for another betraying piece of shit. I expect, as my father is 88 that this last goodbye was preparation for when he dies. David Davidson admired my idiot father greatly based on the fact that he had read Ouspensky, Blavatsky and Gurdjieff. Haha! He really resonated with another abuser as "Like Cures Like".

David Davidson you evil cunt, you can take my father to Hades with you but this bitch will not cry over either of you. I cried enough.

6 May 2017

A former friend messaged me this afternoon to invite me at 3 hours short notice to go to the Samhain concert at the Tivoli. She had a spare ticket she wrote.

Number 1 Ew.

Number 2. Those tickets cost $73.52 but I am not for sale.

Number 3. I was expected to jump for the carrot stick of a long dead friendship on 3 hours notice.

Number 4 double ew!

Number 5. I am not going back for more abusive toxic time-wasting motherfuckers.

Number 6. Triple Ew. I was actually thinking of her 2 hours before she sent the text. Creepy!

The goddess has spoken and has integrity.

…

I have booked Beauregard in to be desexed on Thursday. Also vaccinated and have his hind dew claws removed. It will be a relief when that is all over.

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Sitting outside with Charlie and Beauregard, enjoying some sun as I feel terribly bereft and it is healing to be outside, with my beloveds, in fresh air and sunshine, eating the vestiges of the chocolate cake that would not die, living life to the best I can manage in this moment.

6 May 2016

Fuck Me! Beauregard almost got killed in the dog park behind my house. By 2 Labradors who were friendly initially. Suddenly the brown one went for him.

They bailed him up against a tree but luckily the owner got hold of him in time. I have had such a fright and Beauregard is really freaked out. Going home to our quiet little abode where there are no big savage dogs!

6 May 2014

4.56 am. Still awake. Hmmm. Not cool. In a happy mood so not too shabby either. Menopause is not for cissies :-)

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Having lunch with Nikki. Good to catch up :-)

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I had a nice time with Nikki, having lunch. Now at Crystal's enjoying little Ramon. He is hiding in his house today.

Then later I go to pick up Sarah from airport, then we swap my car with Crystal.

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Been napping at Crystal's, now off to airport.

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Home at last! The cats were very pleased to see me! I had a nice dinner with my two favourite girls. Then drove them home, and they were both exhausted and have work in the morning. Oyyy!

6 May 2013

I spent quality time yesterday with Jarrod and Crystal, watching Foxtel and a yummy dinner cooked by Jarrod.

Today more quality time with Heather, a lovely lunch and a cappuccino at her fave Cafe!

Tomorrow. hospital booking for sleep study. Grrr! Afterwards I will spending time with Lyn.

Lots of happy times with my beautiful friends and my daughter. Happy Woman here!

6 May 2009

I lost my mind years ago...but someone picked it up and put it in their pocketbook...been costing me a fortune to try to find it ever since. Fortunately I don't miss it all that much.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons