“How was your day?”, I asked him as I grabbed a cup from the kitchen cupboard.
“My day was ok.”, he answered sounding drunk as he was leaning on the kitchen counter. “I’m tired of not having a girlfriend.”
“Oh… well, have you met anyone new lately?”, I asked him as I walked toward the fridge to open the fridge door and grab some wine.
“Oh, well just keep getting out there and getting to know some people. It’ll happen for you.”, I responded as I walked closer to him pouring the wine into the cup I had set on the counter.
“Why do I want to be the person he wants to be with?... This can’t be right…”, I thought to myself as I became very much aware that I am feeling such crazy wild butterflies all around inside my body. “Try to calm down, Rebekka…”
“Yeah… how was your day?”, he asked me.
“It was good. Just cashiering and stocking shelves at work. Nothing more nothing less.”
"Well, it sounds like a successful day.", he responded with a grin.
I stood there feeling awkward and wanting to get closer to him. I didn’t understand this urge I had for him.
We transitioned from leaning on the kitchen counter to sitting on the kitchen floor.
I held his hand to comfort him. At that moment everyone walked up the stairs from the basement. My husband sees us holding hands and says, “That's ok because she and I are good.” Dean grins down at our hands entangled together.
“Hmm… is he really that drunk, or did he stop caring?”, I thought to myself. What's strange is that I didn't care that he said that or saw us holding hands.
Then they all walked back the stairs into the basement with drinks in their hands.
Dean continues to look down at my hand, “I can’t look from your hand to see your face.”
“Because my feelings for you will flourish.”
“Oh… it's really bad that I like where this is going.”, I thought to myself as the wild butterflies flew harder inside of me.
He looks up at my face and smiles. I feel my face blush and my heart racing. He looks back down at my hand being held by his hand. He gently kisses my hand. My eyes close as I feel my heart bursting.
He stood up and walked a couple of steps down the staircase. I was beginning to feel this deep sadness thinking he was walking down into the basement. Then he leaned against the arm of the staircase. I walked on the other side across from him. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Feeling him this close to me as we hugged was strangely activating.
I moved backwards a little bit, yet we were still holding each other. He slowly held me closer and closer to him. I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn’t even sure why I felt this way. So, I didn’t give in to the kiss.
Part of me really regretted not leaning in to kiss him. Being held by him felt the most right to me than anything else in life. But I needed to regroup myself and try to understand what was going on with me. So, I took a step backwards.
He looked concerned so I told him, "We're good.", with a smile.
My husband walked up the stairs at the point walking past Dean's back side. "Wow, man, you're lookin' good.", my husband said to Dean.
"Why was my husband complimenting Dean's butt? How drunk is he?"
"I know right. Thank you for the kindness.", Dean responded with a grin.
I still felt like I wasn't do anything wrong with Dean, but I also didn't enjoy the two of them talking as though they were buddies. My feelings were growing for Dean, and I needed to understand why that was.
That night I was laying in my bed thinking about what happened between me and Dean. First, I remember him before I ever met him more than once. As I am vibrationally closer to him my heart bursts for his. In his embrace, for the first time, I feel like I'm home. Nothing I did tonight with him felt wrong, but it also didn't make sense to me.
I was getting tired of the lack of affection from my husband. He knew this and did nothing about it. He said he didn't want the affection and that's what mattered. The only time he agreed to cuddle with me was on the couch and decided to set an alarm to time the moment.
(Back in Florida)
"How long do you want to cuddle for? I'm setting the timer."
I looked at him in frustration, "Never mind. We're not cuddling because your heart is not it."
He shrugs, "Ok." He stood up from the couch and sat at our dining room table to do stuff on his laptop.
So, we were growing apart really quickly. Being with my husband felt like I needed to be there to support his needs while trying to figure out how to support my own needs. It wasn't always like this, but I guess that's what happens after you're in an adult relationship. You just stop flirting and being affectionate with one another.
As soon as we were married the fun sex ended for us. I thought the sex would get kinky between us now that we were actually living together. Nope. Apparently, the adventurous intimacy was just because we didn't have our own home to be intimate in. We had fun times in the woods, but those exciting moments were in our past apparently. I did not like that I did not have say in this. I was a pleaser, a fixer. So, I was there please him. That is what my mom told me to be like as a wife. So, as wife that's what knew. I wasn't happy doing this though.
I went sleep thinking about Dean and wondering how he came into my life the way he did and wondering what that meant for my relationship with my husband.
Nothing really happened after that night. He and I were just hanging out on the couch in the basement. I was reading a book and he was playing a video game.
He asked me, "Do you want to watch anything?"
We turned on Gilmore Girls for the rest of the day. It felt weird yet nice that a guy was willing to watch this show with me without making any annoying comments about the scenes.
"What are you doing tomorrow?", he asked.
"Nothing. I've got the day off."
"Do you want to go for a walk in the woods?"
My heart was racing, and I started to feel shy.
"Yeah, that sounds nice.", I answered him softly.
The next day he and I went out for a walk into the woods behind the house. I loved the scenery out there. It was April so we got to experience the green grass, brown dirt, and the green trees all around us.
We found a good log to sit down on. After we sat down, he decided to tickle me, and I fell off the log.
He felt bad, "ooohhh... I didn't realize this log was unstable."
Being with Dean felt very different compared to being with my husband or any other guy I've spent time with. Dean was thoughtful, gentle, playful, generous, charming, sweet, flirtatious, quiet, and familiar. My husband was loud and charismatic. He loved being the center of attention and cared a lot about what people were thinking of him all the time. I don't think he ever really flirted with me. The most he did for me was plan our first Valentine's dinner in his bedroom because he didn't have any money. He played music and set my flowers on the table. Instead of eating dinner with his family in the kitchen we ate his bedroom for a little bit of privacy. Honestly, though... that valentine dinner was the only romantic gesture he did for me. He would make it look like he did something romantic for me, like proposing to me at a fancy restaurant but I think that moment was for him. He likes the fancy setting and people doing things for him. I think the wedding was really just for him. Planning that wedding stressed me out and he didn't care about that. He just wanted people to spend lots of money to make the wedding look amazing for one day. Thankfully, I was being blessed by the universe. My aunt had a really nice wedding dress that just fit me. I was not willing to purchase a fancy dress for one day, but I could receive this dress from my aunt.
Having a fancy wedding for one day was never my taste. I am honestly good with just a courthouse ceremony and then celebrating our new marriage with those we love afterwards. For me the marriage is about the bond we share, the relationship we are building for a lifetime. Not the fancy wedding that we had to spend tons of money on for that one day.
My husband withdrew from me the moment we landed in our apartment in Florida. Granted he was doing his homework from college but when he wasn't working, he still wasn't with me. When we went to hang out with our friends in Florida who turned out to be our roommates in Michigan, he still wasn't really with me. He was spending the time with our friends, and he did not like it when I would tease him in a flirtatious way in front of them. Why not? We are adults. We should feel comfortable teasing each other and flirting in front of our friends. They do this, why couldn't we?
"Penny for your thoughts? You've been quiet.", Dean said breaking the silence.
"Just thinking about how different my life feels now I live here. It feels nice hanging out with you."
Dean stood up with a grin on his face and stretched his arms out for a hug from me.
I stood up and embraced him in my arms. I felt so safe in arms.
"What are you thinking about right now?", he asked me.
I leaned backwards and slowly leaned in to kiss his lips.
I leaned away from this kiss for a moment.
"Oh yeah?", Dean asked.
"Was that ok?"
"You tell me."
I leaned in and gave him another kiss. I didn't know anything except that I have never felt anything this before when hugging and kissing a guy. I was home. That terrified me for all the obvious reasons. After that kiss we started walking through the woods back home.