Meet Mr Clandestine

When I was in my teens, I was a dreamer. I believed whole heartedly that I was destined for something amazing, something extraordinary, it was just something I felt in my bones; I was going to change the world. However I felt so conflicted between what was culturally appropriate and what my heart was screaming for. I wanted to be on stage. I was allowed to pursue my dream up until university. I was told to choose a real degree, something that I could fall back on if I wanted to go back into acting after.

I was in such a bubble during this time in my life and it meant that at the age of nineteen I was still so naïve about life, about men, about sex, even about just learning to know who you really are. There wasn’t time for me to go and find myself on girls holidays as this was seen as something good little Turkish girls did not do. I never sneaked out or broke a rule. I smoked since the age of about eighteen and was so paranoid that I would bring shame to my family that I made sure I only smoked down roads where I knew that no one I knew lived down them. Can you imagine taking an extra half an hour to get to school just to avoid being seen by anyone!?

So as I put my acting dreams aside, I moved towards a career in Education. Teaching was a very respectable job and I did enjoy interacting with children. Thinking back at little old me on my first day at university, I was so adorable! I sometimes still feel like that vulnerable teenager to this day

It was at this stage in my life that I met Mr Clandestine. He swooped into my life and swept me off my feet. Mr Clandestine was a couple of years older and worked for the government, which meant he had a good respectable job, it also helped that he supported the same team as my family. We went on a couple of dates, I told my mum because a part of me was scared that he might have been a psycho killer. After three months of dating, I decided it was time I would loose my virginity to him. Our families where introduced by this point and we had promised ourselves to each other

I remember my first time and it was not fireworks and magically romantic moments, it hurt! But he was patient, gentle and kind. My life was a fairy tale, I met the man of my dreams, he proposed, I said yes and we brought a house. I wasn’t allowed to move into the house until I was married. I remember feeling so frustrated with this rule because I just wanted to be with him every single minute of every single day.

Once he moved into the house without me, things started to change. Our sex life was not the same and we started to drift away from each other. It just seemed as though the stress of the wedding was getting to us both. Mr Clandestine started to develop performance issues in the bedroom, I was still too naïve to understand what that meant so I supported him and encouraged his manhood.

I never thought to think of my own needs. Now that I'm in my thirties, i can see that society has this toxic affect on women, to always supress our feelings and let the man feel like a man. So I did.

We were married! We had the most beautiful wedding, everything was perfect, including Mr Clandestine and I. The couple everyone wished they were.

I moved into the home and after I had finished university we went on a beautiful super expensive, extra luxurious honeymoon. We spent 14 days and nights trying to get our sex life back. It was fun trying but I think I was so overwhelmed by the honeymoon to really see that there really was a problem. When we came back from our honeymoon it was like my life had been taken away from me.

Mr Clandestine started blaming me for his performance issues, said I had put on too much weight and I had become unattractive. There were times I was on my knees begging him to tell me what I could do to make it better. I suggested counselling, He said he was going. Mr Clandestine would go on to tell me that he had prostate cancer, that’s why he could not preform. This was a lie.

Mr Clandestine was Bi Sexual. He never told me. I had no idea. He married me as a cover.

I had to become some sort of FBI agent and find all the accounts he had on swingers sites and craigs list. On craigs list he place over 16 adverts over the course of our relationship asking for sexual encounters with men, cross dressers, transvestites and transsexuals.

The future I had in my head was stolen from me and my reality had shattered into pieces. At the age of twenty-two, six months after my wedding, I left my home and entered a world where I did not know who I was, what role I had or if I was even worth being in this world.

The girl who thought she would be extraordinary had become an empty shell of a human. I lost my best friend, and all I wanted was to be back in his arms telling me its ok.