Maybe I am the problem.

Have you ever thought to yourself "well look none of my exes are in happy relationships so i clearly wasn't the problem"? i have and truthfully i think we all do, unless it has been an abusive relationship of any sort i think we all play apart in why your relationship didn’t work.

Sometimes my stuggle to communicate gets between us, my inablity to show how much i enjoy being with them, my lack of softness and need to be cuddled upto all the time it makes me come across grumpy, maybe its my stubborness or my lack of caring wheither you are going out with the boys instead of staying in with me, i mean you do you boo, im fine right here!

Lately i've noticed exes of mine settling down with beautiful girls and truthfully i am happy for them but then i look at myself and think of those words again "well none of my exes are in happy relationship so i clearly wasn't the problem" but they are so maybe i was the problem but then i get into the spiraling thoughts of why i was the problem, was i not loving enough or was i simply not good enough for them or was i simply just part of their growing stage of one night stands and leading girls on till they were ready to settle down with someone else?

I am told repeatedly that i am beautiful and i am flawless but by people that only see me on social media. My beauty and flawlessness comes for hours of make up and a perfectly selected filter to enhance the part of my face i don't like. I am not flawless i have plenty of flaws,some i cover with make up, some that an act of complete act of heartlessness covers and some only my family know of.im not perfect, im actually so far from perfect, i swear way too much im messy, grumpy as fuck but also annoying as fuck, i doubt myself all the time, i lack empathy but that's only because i empathise with everything and everyone around me to the point of mental and physical exhaustion, my period is basically "throat punch week" because i wanna punch every stupid person in the throat and i wonder if this is why no one stays and maybe my flaws aren't worth anyone stay in my life for.

I am a very unsociable,introverted person, i hurt people because i have this unbelievable need to be alone because i cant get hurt when i am alone and i'm so comfortable in my own company but i never mean to hurt people i just like being alone and my social battery drains so very quickly. There are so many things about me people could class as boring and yes you could say i am a very boring person in terms of i appreciate the little things like quiet me time and cups of coffee in the morning. I can only stand so much attention because i am not someone that craves attention and i think thats where i go wrong i relationships, guys think that all girls crave attention and wanna be touched all the time and need their constant undivided attention, they think if a girl is in a bad mood either they have done something to piss them off are they need food because with no help from the female gender thats what we've made clear to guys that we need to be happy when that's not the case, i mean don't get me wrong if you buy me a red bull and doughtnuts i'll be happy as hell and appriecate the hell out of you for it but that isn't gonna work everytime. I personally don't need attention every second of the day and i struggle to be this loving,cuddly girl that it seems guys love.

I struggle with communicating with people because if i need something i more often that not get it or do it myself, is that where i'm going wrong, im pushing guys away because of my independant ass? i guess it could be but that's sure as hell not gonna be something i stop.

I've grown to not expect anything from anyone so for example a guy tells me he has feeling for me and makes these plans with me to do this,that and the other i say yes because half the time it never happens and i expect it not to happen, so you see i plan their game but i know exactly was gonna happen like when your read the last page of a book so you know how it ends to stop yourself from getting hurt or disappointed.

Okay now lets get on to the grumpy but annoying as fuck part of my flaws.Well as i've said my social battery drains very quickly so when i feel drained socially i get well grumpy and just need to go home and be left alone to recharge, now when i say left alone i mean by myself alone not being cuddled into a guy that makes the bed every more roasting than it already is and tries to turn alone time into sex, like hi! im drained so if you try that shit i will literally lay there completely emotionless and that can be turn on for anyone... unless you're into that shit in thats case its time to break up! I'm one of those girls that gets told to smile alot and just a heads up to guys that say that if i had a lightsaber i wouldn't hesitate to use it on you (i'd clearly be on the darkside), i like to look mean so no one pays attention to me. I hate romance films because the words "i love you" are said far too much but with no action or meaning behind them so the film just seem like really bad films where you can tell it all fake like sharknado. Here the thing though once im comfortable with you im loud and annoying and even that i can be too much so when i say i only do extremes i mean im either grumpy or extemely happy.

I hate being told what to do or when people try and control me, i will deliberatly do the opposite of what i was asked or not do it at all just to prove i can't be controlled and that seems to be something guys dont like either and in my experience especially the older guys, just because you are older doesnt mean you can boss me around,simple.

I am a very indecisive person so when i feel the need to change my hair or the way i dress or really change anything about me i can stand when guys dont just support me instead of rolling their eye and telling me in beautiful with out this or that, im gonna do it anyway so just be supportive.

I need boring and lazy but spontaneous in the sense of we go on road trips or long drives just to get food or when we are bored of staying in we climb hills and smoke at the top just for the hell of it, just for the experience and the stitch causing laughs.

so yeah maybe i am just this tall,anti social,boring,sarcatic but beautiful flaw that’s looking for another tall, anti social,boring but sarcastic beautiful flaw or maybe i was born to just wander through this life alone i guess i'll have to wait to see how this life of mine turns out.