Marriage and Dishwashers

There is a school of thought about marriage that says arguments are a healthy and normal part of relationships. As stupid as this sounds, because it certainly sounds stupid to me, there is an underlying logic. This logic is not without merit, but it fails to account for priorities.

The assumption is that a couple will naturally disagree about at least some things. This is healthy and natural. Of course. Here's where I have a problem: if you aren't fighting, the argument goes, then you aren't communicating. If you aren't communicating, then you don't have a healthy relationship.

I did something subtle in that last paragraph, and I didn't even notice it until I caught myself writing it. A fight and an argument are not the same thing. I suppose “discussion” gets a place at the table, too, along with disagreements, preferences, habits, and assumptions. Maybe the only difference between all of these is degree of civility. What I do believe is that a couple needs to maintain respect for one another, regardless of the depth and passion with which they disagree. Sometimes respect means shutting up about things that don't matter -- right or wrong.

But I’m not writing a whole marriage manual, here. Although I am on my third marriage, so you could say I'm a bit of an expert. There is a specific argument, belonging to a class of arguments, that I refuse to have, and I insist that I am right about this issue. The opinions are worth having, and they can be shared if you like to play with fire, but there is little to no benefit unless you and your partner are both comedy writers.

Here's my point: I refuse to engage in cliché arguments. For example, when we were getting some work done on our new house, there were some failures on the part of the contractor. Aren't there, always? When my wife and I started to get testy with each other over it, I told her that I was not going to let this process create stress between us, because it's too cliché. It's a trope, a stereotypical fight, and I want nothing to do with it.

I don't know what I was supposed to do about it, anyway. Yelling at your contractor seems like a bad idea on the scale of yelling at waitstaff. I bet the last guy who lived here yelled at his contractors, and that's why all the plugs are upside-down and the ceiling in the living room is two inches higher on one end of the room.

There are other stupid arguments you should not and do not need to argue about. Toilet paper can go either way. Yes, there is a wrong way, but bringing it up more than once per marriage is unnecessary. State your opinion, right or wrong, then let it drop. Better, yet, don't say anything. That is not communication, it's ego. It is not important.

Don't just flip the roll over every time you use the bathroom, either. That's worse than saying something. I almost never do this.

Some things are worth talking about. If your spouse wants to go to sleep, in bed, with the TV on, however, then they are wrong. That is worth arguing about. But, I digress.

There is one area in the house which will make or break your family harmony, depending on the choices you make: the dishes. The bitter pill is this: your spouse does not know how to do dishes. In particular, they do not know how to load the dishwasher. Take this as a truism of life. To argue about it is the worst cliché.

Don't do it.

I have rules about loading the dishwasher. I recite them silently to myself every time I do the the dishes, and again when I quietly correct my wife's errors. Quietly.

Nothing wooden goes into the dishwasher. Handles count. Nothing unique goes in; I’ll only have to dig it back out and wash it by hand, later. nothing plastic except the lids. I know they say “dishwasher safe,” but they don't say “dishwasher recommended.” Bowl-shaped things must be arranged so they cannot flip over. When the cycle is over and they’re filled up with water, they do not seem clean.

I don't think I even need to mention wine glasses.

If you must, then you can fix the errors when you have the opportunity, but understand that you make these corrections at your peril. Do not talk about them. Do them on the down low, like you would sneak a cigarette behind the garage after midnight, or stalk your exes online. That is my advice to you.

Finally, if you must write about them, make sure you put in lots of tiny exaggerations and jokes so that when your partner reads it, they’ll know it's parody.

It's just a joke, honey.