Love or Lust

Have you ever envisioned Your Perfect Mate?

Have you ever really sat down and asked yourself what you need in another human being? Have you ever read what your love language is? Have you ever read books on the different views of relationships, and human connection trying to figure out what type of human you want to spend the rest of your life with? Have you ever doubted monogamy, based on past

experiences of infidelity? Have you ever felt that you were good enough, or not good enough? Have you ever met someone who is just like you, but you're at a different level in life? Have you ever wondered if you die alone, with nobody by your side? Have you ever wondered if the perfect mate even exists? Have you ever been in an abusive relationship, making it hard to trust the next person? Have you ever just wanted to cuddle to hear somebody's heart beat, to know that the heart still beats, even though you've met such cold-hearted people? Have you ever noticed that this generation's dating life has changed, that we talk more to a screen then we do to each other? Have you ever noticed that communication, respect, loyalty, caring, and love are only words? Have you ever written out on paper what you need and want from another person, only to settle for the opposite? I have thought of all of these questions to myself at some point in my life.

In my generation internet dating became the thing. Not like in the olden days where our great grandparents met each other at work, or through friends, maybe just strangers passing by each other on the street. Our great-grandparents made marriage work for years, till death do us part was a sentence that was believed. I believe that the internet has made it easy for people to find the next best thing. Unhappy with your relationship? There are websites designed to allow married couples to cheat on each other. There are websites for dating, friendship, and sex. There are websites for everything. I remember when I was 14 years old, my mother showed me Yahoo chat rooms, an MSN. There were labels on these chat rooms, teens only, 20 +, 30 +, 40 +, XXX and of course dating. At 14 years old I have friends all around the world. All who I assumed were my age, as profile pictures were just little avatars. by the age of 16, I would buy calling cards with my allowance to talk to these people in the states. We all know voices are deceiving, I really didn't know if I was talking to a 16 year old boy or a 40 year old man. I remember my best friend having an internet relationship with a boy a few province's over from us. I remember the intensity of her staying up all night Just to type her life away, someone who told her at the end of the conversation she was loved. I also remember the fights “why weren’t you online on time” it's like basically asking someone why are you living your life. Eventually we grew up, we found real life partners. Now when I say real life partners I mean humans, people we could touch, people we could talk to face to face, people who are real.

I am the girl who knows exactly what she is looking for, I'm also the girl who has settled for less than she deserved out of loneliness. Now after 33 years I realized, there is no perfect mate, a mutual understanding of each other's flaws, accepting of the other person for who they are without degrading your values. Having your own values match the person you want to be with, creating boundaries and communicating. Loving yourself first, before you attempt to love anybody else. I have had two types of relationships, one was long term, family building, and very emotionally intense. The other, distant and abusive, always looking for someone better than me in some way. Now what I've noticed about both these types of relationships is that sex and lust drove the relationship. I feel like a lot of people mistake Lust for Love. I know I definitely want both, but in a completely new manner.

Do you remember your first kiss? all that anxiety, the butterflies, and the best part, that feeling it gave you inside. A kiss is a dangerous thing, it can give you what I said above, or I can bring you no feeling at all. Sometimes it only brings feelings for one person, and that can make things very complicated. I know that's something I need in my mate, The type of kiss but you never want to stop having. The kind of kiss that you wait for when they get home from work, that type of kiss that brings you excitement every time you know it's coming, The type of kiss that leaves you wanting more. Have you ever run your fingers through your mates hair, down their neck, all the way to their ankles? Have you ever thought that energy and curiosity of what they may be thinking or feeling through each of your fingertips? Have you ever had this happen to you? I haven't, no I have been the one with my fingertips running down my mates body, watching the response to certain places, becoming aware of what feels good, and what is uncomfortable. I want to know what that feels like. What are the sensations, what is comfortable and uncomfortable. Lusting to see what’s next.

It may sound childish of me, but those firsts are what I long for most in this generation of dating. The curiosity of wanting to be and feel what it’s like to find someone to experience those with someone again. I remember the firsts, I never remember the last, why? I believe it's because the lasts weren't the same, they were bitter, No fucks given, lack of emotion. We remember how people made us feel, we sometimes focus on the good, sometimes people focus on the bad. I’ve learned to focus on both weighing out the positives and negative. For a long time I allowed the negatives to go with the positives, I now know to separate them and make sure the positives surpass the negative. I know you can't be positive all the time. We need to accept that sometimes partner it's going to have negative moments, and they also need to accept that we will have negative moments. I feel that unless it becomes a bothersome, cycled negative is when it hurts the relationship.

Have you ever had someone you love lie to your face? You already know the facts on something yet, they act as if you are dumb to the situation? I find this the hardest part, that a human has the ability to lie. I haven’t allowed it to break my trust in others, but it definitely ended my trust in them. I don’t want to be lied to, even if the truth would hurt, it's better to be aware of what the others actions are, or how they are feeling then to be lied to, I even know when I am being lied to. That led to our first word, communication. Communication, no matter how hard it can be at times, is the key to any healthy relationship. If you cannot communicate, there is no chance that it will work. Sometimes communication is fun, it causes a laugh, a dialog of what you have in common, and what you don’t. It can be hard, having to tell your feelings, not knowing what the response may be. Either way, communication is key. I know I personally don’t have issues with communication, I have words flying out of my mouth all the time, direct, raw, and to the point. I want to find someone who can give that back to me. Remember when we could only call each other over the phone? Spending hours talking to each other, you could hear the smile in the person's voice. You could hear the sadness, you learned to listen and understand. Texting has wrecked that for humans. We all want to believe we know the true intention of how someone speaks in text, but we don’t ever truly get to see or hear that person's real reaction. Texting is always misinterpreted, and or can cause unwanted stress, even when you use your words in a manner that should be understood, it may not always end up this way by the recipient. I want and need good communication. We all deserve that.

When you had your first sexual experience do you remember being asked is this okay? Or are you sure? Consenting to having this experience with someone? Mine wasn’t. Mine was a sexual assault, it changes your views of sex and love. I found out later on in life that this is the way a lot of women had their first sexual experience. I remember watching my best friend, see the crack of a door well I sat on the staircase. I often wonder why men just take what they want. After this happens to you you're embarrassed, ashamed, you feel like it's something you've done wrong. Then you allow others to do it. Your worth becomes less and your body becomes more. This happened when I was young as well I didn't know it was wrong. I didn't know until the age of 30 that I was allowed to say no, that alone is a scary thought. When you take away a child's innocence, or you force a teenager and it's something that they don't want, you're setting up the adults to think that their body is worth more than their minds. You feel that if you don't have this aspect in your relationship if they're going to leave and you throw your body to them before you're ready before they respect you. it wasn't until I was 30 and continued to be sexually assaulted by my partner you got it really became scary for me. Usually when it happened I would think about what I was going to do today be somewhere else in my mind. All I've ever wanted is for somebody to ask me am I allowed to do this, is this something that you're enjoying, and is it a yes or no.

I want somebody who is going to respect my body and mind. At this point I finally understand what that means to me. When you have these things happen to you at a young age as mentioned above your values of yourself are very low your self-esteem is very low. It took me two years to learn what my values are, what my boundaries with intimacy are, and to be confident in who I am, love myself, my body and my mind. But I've also noticed and I wear the stigma. it's like people know it's happened to me even before I say it. Maybe it's in the way but I'm not overly sexually active like I used to be as a young adult coming out of the pain of the first assault trying to find love in all the wrong places. Respect is something that is earned not given, just like trust. I feel nowadays people are rushing, giving someone trust and thinking they will respect your body and mind, when they don’t really even know what that means to you yet. You also need to know what the word respect means to you, and also to them, because we all have different views on what this looks like, for me it’s calling if you are going to be late, not talking to other woman in inappropriate ways in which you wouldn’t want to see me doing, having a conversation when you or I feel a certain way about things, and respecting the boundaries or values I have as a human being. Not every human connection will be of a romantic type and people sometimes need to accept that they are not the right person for someone else. Respect that decision, even if you are the one making it.

Loyalty, that is really becoming a word that people don't understand. I would like somebody who is loyal to a relationship. I don't want to be the woman who becomes cheated on or is second-best to somebody else. These days the internet has made it easy for people to do things for each other. If you're not happy with what you have, you can always find somebody else they're only one click away. There are even sites for married people to cheat on each other. Oh, I remember reading in the news how that all about compromise wasn't so confidential anymore. I don't believe I have it in me to cheat on another person because I know how it feels to cheat it on or not feel good enough for one person. loyalty is when you want the relationship and that you want the one person, no amount of beer no amount of flirting from another woman or man nothing makes you want anybody else but the person that you're with. They make you that happy that the thought of losing them would break your heart. I find loyalty in friendships even to be falling down the drain. A loyal friend is also someone who you need in life, friendship and love go hand in hand, so if they can't be loyal to you as a friend first and they probably won't be loyal as lovers. I also believe that if you have high levels of insecurities, that you are less likely to be a loyal person. You make sure that you will never feel abandoned by a person so you have back ups, and other people you keep on the hook so if you are to be abandoned as you assume you will be you are never truly alone. I no longer have these types of people, I believe that you need to take the time to deal alone because that is where you can truly reflect on what you do not want or what you could do to better yourself and said insecurities.

When someone cares about your well-being they won’t egg on your insecurities, they will listen to the words you say and want to be the opposite of that. They will notice if you are acting differently and ask questions. Sometimes we cannot put our full attention on our partners but I want one that will know when I need the caring and when I need to fight battles on my own because in essence some battles I face, and will face, have nothing to do with the individual. Caring for me is showing up. If you make plans with your partner and they don’t show up, sometimes that is the most crushing feeling in the world. Things happen that we must understand. Sometimes we cannot make plans and keep them, but when it happens over and over you lose the wanting of going out and making plans. I want someone who will hug me soon as they see me and as soon as they are leaving. To feel that kind of caring and safeness is key to my heart. Caring comes in so many forms including just watching a tv show and having the touch of your partners cuddles, and or just their presence can be enough to make you feel cared about. To be listened to without judgement, even if something you're passionate about in the moment but it isn’t something you're passionate about an hour later. Having an understanding of how you as an individual want to be cared for is one thing that people don’t know about themselves in certain situations. Have you asked yourself what you need from another to feel cared about? I often get criticized for needing a sense of clingy yet space. I know it is something that is the opposite, but in order for me to have energy to care I have to make sure that I have the time and space to care for myself, and so should my partner. To be cared about in a respectful manner and to know what the boundaries are for each person in a relationship is so important and that comes hand in hand with communication. If you don’t need your partner to be around for certain things, but you do others then you as the individual need to voice that. You need to carry the same values in life because that makes it easier.

I saved the best for last, because, well it's a complicated one. Love. There are so many different ways to love, there are so many different relationships that have love in them, but one thing is clear to me after 33 years you must love you first before anyone else can attempt to otherwise your setting them and yourself up for disaster. I have accepted myself for who I am. I know what I need in someone else, and I also know that even though I have been loved in all the wrong ways, that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I need and vice versa. Love is first and foremost communication, respect, loyalty, and caring. If you are missing those there is no love.