Human's

I feel alone in life, but maybe that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. I feel like most things in life I end up going through alone, but maybe that’s easier for me than to share my traumatic experiences with others. To be vulnerable with my emotions with another human around me seems selfish like it will affect them more than me because I’ve already lived it. Today was the first in a very long time that I have allowed myself to cry. I needed that, the release of the past and the amount of people I’ve lost in this healing process at times breaks my heart more than they will ever realize. I want the best for everyone, and believe in change but I also know that to break the cycle I've created for myself is one of the biggest achievements I can do at this point. Going backwards isn’t an option anymore.

This girl they all used to know, had no boundaries. Thought that emotional absence and rude comments about how I feel was something I needed to accept from the world. No one needs to accept that. People lately have called me selfish, and they are right in the sense of my peace and happiness, and that of the people who truly matter to me comes above and beyond broke promises, broken boundaries, and generally not nice behavior. I have always been the one who speaks truth, and that means even if it hurts someone close to me, because I know what it’s like to be lied to over and over until you question everything. Only guilty people are dishonest with others and themselves. Dishonest people also believe their own lies to be the truth, which is the scariest part of those types of people. The truth is the way to go always, with yourself and with others.

I rather be alone. It is much more peaceful, than being around a bunch of humans who only want me around when it is valuable to them, or convenient. I have wiped my own tears for years, while smiling because in the end everything is going to be okay, things work out, not always the way we want, but they end up better than before. We learn lessons from each and every human who comes through our lives, missing pieces to things we don’t know to be a lesson yet in life. Information that continues our growth. Growth comes with many prices and one of those is losing people you once thought would be around for longer than they may have, or vise versa short periods of time. Time doesn’t define who is going to stick around. The more you change for the better, the more times trouble wants to knock at your door and push you down. Rise up above it all. Let your wings sore.

I feel that I’ve become so good at saying goodbye to the toxic, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt at some points. I don’t want to say goodbye to a human who knows who I am, and has accepted the flaws I may carry, but they want me to stay weak and not think for myself so that they can gain what I have given over the years. I wish sometimes that there was one person that would put me first in their lives. Make sure that I am okay, that even with my silence, and “I’m okay”, would see that inside I am screaming. The kind that accepts that there will always be times where I am not happy even though I smile. Who is strong enough to go through the storms with a paddle in hand ready to take on the waves of sadness I can’t seem to let go of. Allow me the time to learn what love really is, and not take advantage of the giver I am.