Love letter from the Edge

A letter to the Void of the heart of the last man I fell in love with:

I met you 8 years ago on this night. At the Elephant Hotel. The Elephant Hotel with Ganesh painted on its back wall. Oh the irony.

8 years have passed and the attraction, attachment has been as stoic as ever.

My perfectly perfunctory perforated and yet powerful heart that never gave up on Love for its own sake, even as you kept playing me for a fool. Trawling woman after woman as you pursued me, in various pubs and at the casino and even at last, at a drumming circle.

Bewitched belated benighted and smited were we! In a world gone mad with Covid and death cults and an actual real life “zombie apocalypse”: the stuff of nightmares I never thought I would be living to see.

I had tried to end my life, of course. The pain of chronic sadistic rejection and the constant ebb and tide of your lacklustre false love was too much for me.

But I was reared for this moment, this breath, this life. From my own multitude of petit morts since my inception and insertion into my evil mother’s putrescent false womb. To now.

Always the now, my love. That is all there is…the eternal now. The breath. The hope. The sunshine in a kaleidoscopic cascading dust mote, swirling into Infinity.

Turn the number 8 horizontally and you have the symbol of infinity. The symbol of creation, the dance of life and of death, the yin and yang clasped together in a melding that cannot be separated except by fate or a particle collider.

But it’s 2.17 am and I must think happy thoughts. Ground myself until this empty reality devoid of comfort and ease, stripped bare of intimacy and affection, shredded of any hope of posterity and mangled by men who knew not what they were so callously destroying.

Cared not. Trifled with. Pissed on. Betrayed…falls away to oblivious obliterated Oblivion. Oh blah dee…obladah… the big O. Oh oh. Ohhhhh.

I am okay. It’s a full moon. The moon that called you into my being and the same moon that will take you out.

I put a prayer out to the guardian of the crossroads recently as I kept seeing you at crossroads. I asked for a resolution or a gentle graceful letting go. So I can finish my life in peace and joy and be released and blessed and invite the heart and awe of a real love that I always deluded myself might arrive in my life one day.

This evening I deleted you. The last threads of connection. But here I am, lying in my bed, burning with the long knives of memory and longing that cut and sliced my heart to smithereens like a biopsy needle, stealing my lifeforce: my strength, as you bled and bled and fed from me energetically. You evil perverted Cunt!

But I have to laugh at my defiance and my passionate vulgarity. My lips still remember yours pressed against them. Still feel the thrumming of the blood pulsating under your skin as you kissed me. Still feels the passion as you melded with me. So long ago. 4 months after meeting you.

Too much too soon and yet not enough to cleave you to me.

I was never enough for you. Never truly chosen. But you watched from the shadows in seedy pubs and clubs, as it bothered you that I might be loved by someone else one day.

When the homeless man blessed me with a wooden painted rose at a drumming circle two years ago, you looked on with amazement. With bathos, and with humour.

Watched over me like a true lover should. But still you did not claim me. Envy and spite of even a homeless man’s spiritual honorifics of The Tanya as I struggled with my broken heart and seer sucker-punched soul.

Ojibwa medewins and Voodoo gods and my own limitless Adonai. The Divine masculine who played me, parlayed me and sold me down the River Styx.

But at the last near death, it was Lilith in the form of the Divine Feminine who reclaimed me and gently rocked me back into my body and told me “You will be okay Tanya, in a hellscape of epic proportions, you will go back and tie up loose ends and have the life the gods ordained for you.” Another half lie…half life.

But I got to see fireflies and hold my Daughter’s hand as shooting stars and spying satellites crossed the night sky, and create beauty in a world gone sour, rancorous and ugly.

Half a life…is still a life. A kiss is still a Kiss. I remember. When you played the game so well, you had me locked in your cosmic embrace for eternity.

I remember the love, the dream and the suffering. And so it is. Perhaps that was my quest, my mission. I pray at last, it is accomplished. This missive must end in 5 seconds….four…three…two….ONE!

Giggles. No end and no beginning. It is what it is. Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh. I am whom I am Becoming. The circle of life is complete and I am replete.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

#TheDesiredOne

#TheChosenOne

#LoveIsTheLaw