Love & Logic 3

Let me explain a few things to you about my life and maybe you can learn from my mistakes

So, I am currently in a relationship and we’re going through a rough patch.

We got into a fight because I wouldn’t go to a group outing and he had been putting his work in front of time with me. You might have read my article ‘Love & Logic 2’ and I talked a bit more in depth about the problems we’ve been having but now, things have shifted.

He came to see me, the first time in weeks, and he said he had a present for me.

Let me make something clear first, I’m not a material person. I’d rather have someone love me than give me presents. I don’t need a gift to love someone. But we’ve been through Christmas, Valentine’s Day, repeat Valentines Day because the first one became the Hindenburg mid date, and my birthday. I got him something for all of those days (except my birthday but even though we went out to dinner for my birthday I paid), I worked hard to get him things that he would love and find useful and he does use them. He didn’t give me anything for any of those days. And I was fine with it, but when he said he had a present I admit I got excited.

Know what he gave me?

A bag of chips.

I am not kidding or exaggerating.

Have me a quick kiss and half assed hug and then just left.

Left me with a bag of chips and crying in my car because I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve been kind and understanding, every time I sat there waiting two hours for him for a date. Every rushed dinner because he had to leave earlier than he expected. Every cancelled date where he was too tired to go out.

I was the good girl.

I’m done being the good girl. For once in my life I want to scream and yell and smash dishes and dish out what I’ve been given.

I’m not waiting anymore.

No more sitting at a restaurant with people giving me pity looks. No more waiting in the parking lot for two hours. No more last minute cancellations. No more me staring in the mirror fixing my makeup convincing myself that if I look flawless, maybe he won’t ignore me. No more dressing up while he shows up in work clothes to date night. No more crying at home when he stands me up. No more twisting my words and making me feel horrible for calling him out when I’ve had enough.

In the beginning, he was sweet and thoughtful and on time and told me how pretty I looked. Now, I could dress for a gala at Buckingham Palace and he wouldn’t give me a second glance.

I don’t ask for anything, only for him to honor the time he sets for our dates. That’s all. I’ve done everything else right, I’ve been the good girl and done what I was supposed to and somehow I became the rug. Where he thinks he can walk all over me and waste my time, that his time is worth more than mine.

All I wanted was him, and he just stopped being there for me. When I went in for a cancer screening and was terrified, so scared that I asked my best friend to be there when he said he wouldn’t go. I wanted him there, but he had made plans, not rebuilding homes or anything heroic like that. Him and his friends were taking a trip to the desert and “they really wanted him to go”.

I was crying and getting biopsies punctured from my body and blood drawn and several other painful tests and he wasn’t there. Not to mention the fact that he 'accidentally' reposted a photo of a half naked woman on his social media account. It was one of those posts where if you repost the picture, the girl writes in the post 'repost and I'll send you a DM ;)'. I was riding in the passenger seat trying to breathe through an anxiety attack and I pulled my phone out while my friend was driving. I pulled up my social media to message him and found that post. I was horrified and angry and jealous and I called him and left a message. I answered his calls seven hours later and he kept saying it was an accident and I believed him. Like an idiot. Because I was laying in my bed, in unbelieveable pain, and thought to myself 'I just need him to love me.'

I just need to learn where to draw the line in a relationship. I thought I was going to marry this guy. Grow old together, have a couple kids, and be a normal happy family. But now here I am, planning how I’m going to end things.

That’s life though. Life is about experiencing things and meeting new people, and after each experience we take away a lesson. How we want to live, who we want in our lives, and how we want to love and be loved in return.

I’ve learned a lot in this relationship. That I can open my whole heart, that I can experience real happiness and not just compromise, that I deserve to be loved.

Most importantly, I’ve learned that even if I have a broken heart, and that it might get broken again, that the risk is worth feeling real, raw love even if it’s just for a little while.

A relationship doesn’t have to last forever for it to have an impact on your life.