Living With Anxiety

Everyone is starring at me, I just want to get out of here! Oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up. I feel nauseous, I feel like I look so stupid. I'm pretty sure those girls are laughing at me! I want to leave, can you hurry up and get whatever you need, I tell my very loving boyfriend. I hate coming to the stores, I hate going out in general. The cashier was nice, thank god. My heart was racing, and I kept thinking about every thing that could go wrong in this situation. Maybe I will say something I shouldn't, what if she is rude? What if they racially profile me? I'm honestly so nervous. I'm just trying to buy groceries and go straight home. I can't stop replaying that situation in my head, I could have said this instead, or that. She probably thought I was stupid.

I feel like this every single time I have to leave my house. I start stressing about it day's before, think about it all night, my anxiety is through the roof. I thought it was normal to feel this way, and just be scared of the world because you never know what someones intentions are. A couple days ago I saw this video, and it stated overthinking, stressing out is not normal and it is a form of anxiety. I sort of blew it off but it definitely stayed on my mind, until one morning it just clicked. Overthinking is NOT normal. Stressing about every situation I have ever been in, every conversation I have had, every thought in my head. It's so crazy to think, you don't have to think. You don't have to spend your days being afraid, and I don't think there is enough people who know that.

How I changed my thoughts, and became less negative was through my mind. It was all in my head, and being alone in a travel trailer all day, and not going out at all has given me so much time to think and reflect. It was more of a making myself believe it was okay, and that I was going to be okay and I really think that worked. I started to let my thoughts, and mind relax. It felt so heavy and after I just felt so light and relieved. It felt, and still feels amazing. I'm starting to feel free, alive, in my own little way of course.

I also want to talk about how this put so many much strain on my relationship. My boyfriend is much more outgoing than I am, much more social that's for sure. I know I took a toll on him with me rather staying in than going out, having him go to the grocery store alone, not being interested because I was afraid of how many people would be there, and if anyone would make fun of me. He has been so supportive, showed so much sympathy for me, and never not once made me feel bad. Having a supportive partner is honestly the best thing in the world. It definitely will be worth it because he was with me during my darkest days, and now I am ready to give him the time of his life. Now that I do not flood my head with negative thoughts slowly but surely it is becoming easier to go out, to the grocery store, you know it is the little things.