Living in a Lockdown

Being at home all day sounds like the best thing ever, right? You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Or not do whatever you want. You don't want to wash the dished today? That's alright. You want to play video games all day? Go for it! You get that extra few hours of sleep you've been needing? HELL YES! That feeling of being your own boss feels amazing. At first....

A few weeks go by, then a month. Then you suddenly can't remember what day you're in let alone what century. It's no joke. You do actually lose track of your time and focus. And don't mention your mental state. Dear cat gods no, don't even go there. You now realise that you're just going through the montions of your everyday life minus the structure and with the added dreaded thoughts of "When will I go back to work? Is this going to end soon? I actually miss people!".

This is Lockdown three. And if you're in the United Kingdom, I bet you're having as much fun as I am if you've been told you are a non-essential worker and your buttocks better stay home to stop the spread. I praise all the essentail workers for everything they are doing. You are amazing!

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for stopping the spread of the virus. I don't want to see anymore death than is nessacary in the world. Death is natural, we cannot avoid it. But, if we can do our part to help with something that's alittle more preventable then I'm there to do my part. We all have loved ones we want to protect. Even if we may not have very good relationships with them, it's still a wise choice to think about what if you did.

But damn am I losing my mind!

I'll bet like others, they were like me in Lockdown one. You suddenly got the time to catch up on all those pesky tasks that need doing and cleared out a boat load of unessecary things to boot. It felt good. There was achievement and a beautiful weight gone of accomplishing that silly little task. Then it came time to go back to work because everything was relatively "safe" again. That felt great as well. A sigh of relief. I was happy to be working again. I even had the motivation to start taking on more responsibity in my job while trying to ignore the snarky comments that I was just being an ass kisser who just wanted to show everyone else up. No, that is NOT me. I have a problem with saying no for starters, working on that one. I'll do the jobs at hand because they need doing. Plus, they need doing! Also, I need a paycheck. We all got bills to pay. So I am sorry that you may be feeling insecure in your place that you think bringing someone else down that path for trying is perfectly normal behaviour but its not and it's unacceptable.

Back to the point. Lockdown one clearly brought out a lot of thinking time for many of us. Some for the better, some not so much. Thats fine, do as you will with your energy but please don't put your misplaced negativity on those who are just trying to get through these crazy times and still bring a smile with some reassurance to those that need a shoulder to lean on. I know that's who I am, the girl that will always say, "We can do this!" in those stressful situations. No one likes stress especailly extra stress if everyone involved is negative. You have to have at least one person to be the positive force there, right? I was raised to have kindness and the understanding not to make a bad situation worse. Common sense. Common sense is good. But then I say common sense is a super power now so....

Lockdown two was nothing. Like a flash in the pan it had been and gone. Did it even happen? Maybe I dreamt that one.... But here we are again. Stuck indoors not sure what to do with ourselves while trying not to go crazy, or for that matter trying not to drive anyone that is stuck with us crazy as well. It's the middle of winter, there should be no complainging from me as I haven't had to get up before the sun, stand in the cold to catch a train to work and pander to the needs of the super greedy. But I do kind of miss it now. I'm sure it is relateable when I say that I've gone into basic mode. No makeup, wearing joggers all day and then sleeping in them too, skipping a shower for a day or three. Did I brush my teeth? Can't remember. When was the last time I put on a pair of jeans? Oh heck, are they even gonna fit anymore?!? I think it's raining outside. What even is outside. I bet I'm just in a simulation and someones having a good old laugh at me right now....

Bet you're cracking to. You don't know how to pull yourself out of this funk you're in. And may I say if you never fell into that funk, I adore you. But I won't say I adore you because you are strong. Don't get me wrong, you are damn well strong but we all are. We just have different ways of coping with what is happening around us. In good old number three, I unfortunelty fell prey to my depression after fighitng so hard to overcome it. Lost the will to put makeup on, get dressed, feed myself, all of it. Crying because I justed wanted to be able to walk past an elderly person without that naggaling fear of what if something happened. You would think being an introvert who loves being at home in their comfort zone this would be heaven. No, I am actually longing for alittle connection. Even if it's standing two to three meters apart with a face mask on hearing about that silly painting someones child made them. It's the little moments.

For anyone dealing with the shut ins on their own, you are amazing. Myself, I really would have lost the plot by now. So I am thankful that I have my demon cat and fiance. They have both helped me start to pull myself out of the duvet cover and back to me. For instance, most going out for a jog isn't a big deal but when I did, it felt like such an accomplishment. Plus the little "I'm proud of you for doing that" when I came home felt sweet too. It's just remembering that even in all this maddness, you have something to offer. A way to connect in any way you see fit. It's beautiful.

So please, don't take this as writing of comlaining for being shut indoors. It's never going to be about that. It's a realisation of the importance of having a structured day, a friendly face around you, a roof over your head on a cold rainy day and maybe even that long needed cuddle you know you secretly need. It's about proctecting those you love from something that can be avoidable if you try. Love, friendship, compassion.

Lockdowns are making myself and the world crazy but also a much better people in the long run. Well, I'd like to think it all is in some way. Let's just hope we all know how to interact with one another after all this isolation!