Life and Death

Life is too short. I am just starting to realize just how blessed I am at this for what has been a few years now. I think we all long for something more but having all that you need can be quite satisfying if it's realized just how few problems that you actually aware exist. Right now is how I would like it to stay forever. I've longed for my youth and the memories and people I hold in my heart but who I was then and who those people and places are, those that remain, they are as gone as the bad memories I have of myself. I can't hold on to one and release the other. Instead, I gather what is most dear to me, memories like photographs and relationships that are positive, and devote myself to God, myself and my family. The rest is scenery and bonuses.

We all die. We were born to die and that's the only true reality that exists. The mystery of life has become so commonplace that we tend to take it for granted, like all things that seem brand new but lose its allure through repetition of visibility. There are still moments in my life when I just want to get off this crazy ride. Other things always remain brand new, very precious little things that seem irreplaceable. Time is their only enemy. I believe that is what sends some people to an early grave. Everything ends, and that infinitely true mantra lives in the edges of shadows and flows through the darkness.

Safety, security and stability are just words we use to make us feel better. Danger, dereliction and destruction are words with the same power as the one that are more reassuring. It is we who use them for reassurance that everything is going to be okay. In reality, it's all just thinly veiled chaos.

We have light to keep the darkness at bay, but the darkness is always there. We create laws so people don't go around harming one another. Take away the laws and people will run amok. Think on that for a minute. Rape, murder, violence, robbery, all held to bay by the fear of earthly punishment, and sometimes that's not even enough for people. Think of the atrocities that are occurring right now as you read this, somewhere in the world, behind many closed doors; children being hurt, men and women suffering, being homeless, and that's leaving out human trafficking, animals rights, and the slaughter and fighting around the world. We have an unique mindset in this country that justice and truth will always prevail. It was kind of the basis that the founding fathers had in mind when they decided to stop paying their taxes and form an experimental country that had the potential to fix its mishaps with time. Many of them saw the hypocrisy of being a slave nation with a constitution proclaiming the self evidence that all are created equally. They didn't say some were more equal to others*¹. They were aware that the citizens of this country weren't ready for too much all at once and their best chance was to lay down the framework to form what they called "a more perfect union".

I don't condone how they went about it but I can deduce the gist of it. I won't weigh in with this country's first European settlers carving out a life on land that they believed that they discovered, with little to know major population and certainly none with land deeds. They could have gone all in but they wanted to solidify a union of vastly different states. As time went by, we outgrew slavery, but it took four bloody years plus a century to reach that "self evident" conclusion. One hundred years after the 16th president proclaimed an Emancipation Proclamation, a reverend spoke about a dream in which his children were living in a country where they are judged not by the color of their skin but the content of their character*². He raised awareness but was murdered for his efforts.

The most recent efforts of equality included the words "Black Lives Matter". It was in response to the many people of color being killed or harassed by police unfairly. The people who fear this movement don't fully understand it. I believe it's because they fear retribution from generations past. I believe that those words are so important and powerful and need repeating until it's subliminal to even the staunchest racist. All life matters, in some form or another. Human life is a blessing, as I stated at the beginning, but when one group starts feeling like they have been in the crosshairs for their entire lives then I believe they are entitled to rectify it by the most effective possible ways. And I know this is a very unpopular belief but who cares if people want to take a knee during the national anthem?! The anthem and it's meaning are man made. Just like people who practice Judaism observe Saturday as the Holy Sabbath day and Christians observe Sunday. Which one is right?

But back to the issue at hand; life and death. Life is so important because some really aren't born equal. Genius and sickness are doled out with no rhythm or reason. Some people live with no purpose in life but sheer habit keeps them grounded. The laughter and good times last just as long as the weeping and unfortunate circumstances. Most of us only show real love after a person is gone. It's almost like the people who are still breathing really don't exist until they are gone. That saddens me but it's taught me to appreciate more.

Facebook is the example I'll use. Nothing has helped the erosion of our morality and civility then that medium. It breeds dissent, jealousy, cowardice, and hatred. It has been useful to open my eyes but I had to delete most of my friends from my old neighborhood because they either gaslight or post negative shit. Before I "unfriend" anyone I get to thinking what type of friends they are anyway. If we are indeed friends, that doesn't mean we need to be Facebook friends. Quite the opposite. Real friends make an effort, even if it's here and there, to contact me and we'll chat. Most people are too busy so I leave them where they are and lock their memories in my beating heart.

Now, I live a blessed life. My situation isn't optimal but it's a beautiful thing. Things are far from perfect but if they were, I'd be a nervous wreck trying to keep everything fixed. Now, I let life come to me. I follow the small, quiet voice that nudges me where I can go. I see beauty in the faces of my household. It's everywhere I look, everyone I see, and everything that I do. I'd be a lying son of a bitch if I told you I don't worry but I remind myself that life is far from my control. Couple that with the first sentence in this essay, that life is too short, and worry is waste, problems are hidden solutions and everyone is on their own path. My attitude is the only thing under my control and a positive attitude is catchy.

In conclusion, I will attempt to write some things that I believe will help to feel more fulfilled. Cherish what you have more than you lament what's been lost. Right now can be as good as it gets, or it will get better if you only believe that it will. In this short life there will be plenty of time to cry and feel bad. Make an agreement with yourself that each day you'll fully embrace the present and make memories, good ones. Laugh, dance and feel good. It's free and requires nobody's permission. Ask around. If you're not satisfied after a year you can have a full refund of your misery.

Now go out and live!

That's me at my most positive. No matter how I am feeling I always find myself gravitating to putting a smiley face on it that comes pretty naturally to me. But I struggle. I keep it refined only to my head and can barely write the words. I am weak and slothful and a coward. God has to exist because how else would this lowly excuse of a man be loved, unconditionally for the most part, conditionally for the rest, by some very fine people, and I only pray that they know who they are.

I couldn't be any more blessed than I am right now, in this moment, to have lived such a charmed and anonymous life. I am very fortunate and, still, it's almost lost on me. My strengths are knowing how to help others but keep getting in my own way. At least I have found a conduit for exploring my mind. Thank you for letting me share. God bless you all!

*¹ George Orwell Animal Farm

*² Martin Luther King, 1963