Lies that are told when people die

Decades ago, a woman who lived in the area where I grew up passed away in her mid 50's. Upon hearing this news, one young man ran outside and said loudly, "Ding dong the witch is dead." This sounds disrespectful but it is one of the most honest responses that I have ever heard regarding death. This woman was a busy body and not many people cared for her. She had made it her mission to bad mouth this young man during a rough period in his life. If he had made glowing statements about the deceased, most everyone would have known he was not sincere.

It’s been often stated that you don't speak ill of the dead and it’s natural to want to comfort a grieving family, but should we resort to lying? If you had a bad experience with someone while they were living, or they hurt someone you love, what would be the purpose of lying about how you felt about them once they are gone? I am not advocating that anyone take the approach of the young man I mentioned, but would it not be better to say nothing, or simply offer condolences by saying the family is in your thoughts and or prayers? Where is the benefit in embellishing the truth or telling a complete falsehood?

1. Everybody loved him or her

One of the biggest fabrications that is often said after someone passes away is that everyone loved them. There is not one person on this earth that everybody loves. All of us have friends, acquaintances, enemies, and worst yet, frenemies. This may sound good to a grieving family in that moment but over time they will realize it was an empty phrase.

2. He or she loved everyone

A second untruth is that the deceased was the salt of the earth and loved everyone and never met a stranger. While it is true that some people do have wonderful personalities and are most always friendly, everyone has encountered someone they do not think too highly of. It could be a teacher, an abusive parent, an cheating ex, the other woman or other man, a rude in-law a harsh boss, or someone who bullied them in school. If you have fond memories of the deceased, then by all means share them but please don't lie because someone knows that you are telling a falsehood. If you feel you must address the family members just tell them you are sorry for their pain, and ask what you can do to help them. Making it up as you go along to impress others does no one any good.

3. My best friend

A third thing that people feel motivated to do is inflate the relationship they had with the deceased. I recall a woman who chronicled her cancer journey on Facebook. She often said she needed rides but no one responded, at least not on social media. She began selling food to help pay for her medical care and each time I made a purchase to support her, I saw no one else coming or going. The night she died a post showed up on Facebook tagging her and the writer said there were 23 people in the hospital room. After she died several people said things to indicate she was their good friend or a favorite relative, but they were not around during her last days, until she was dying. I've listened after funerals to folk go on and on about how close they were with someone, when in truth they had not seen or talked to them for many years.

4. Family issues

Number four is the prodigal children who never had time on Mothers Day, Christmas or birthdays. I've listened to women lament how their children seem to have put them on the back burner, but when they die it's a different story. My grandmother used to say that the ones yelling and crying the loudest at a funeral are the ones who treated the deceased the worst. I understand this is not true in all situations but it definitely is in some. I've watched as people laid across the casket crying, or tried to reopen it once it was closed. I have seen individuals screaming for the deceased to come back, or shouting that they love them. Later someone else would remark how bad they treated the deceased when they were living. Again this is not always the case because there are those who are truly grieving.

5. Pretending

Number 5 is often used when someone has been murdered. Family especially will pretend not to know things that are true. If interviewed by the news they will say how good the individual was and he or she would give you the shirt off their back and or they have no idea why anyone would want to kill them. Within a few days news reports will confirm what most people already knew. The facts will come out that the individual had a long rap sheet, was in and out of jail, a gang member, a drug dealer and or a trouble maker. If you know all of this just say you are hurting because your loved one was murdered. Don’t try to make a saint out of someone when evidence shows they were flawed. No one deserves to be murdered, but lying about someone's character when you know others are aware of the facts just makes no sense.

There’s an old adage that if you can’t say anything good don’t say anything at all. This is good advice. Flat out lying should not be the way to go but I’ve watched this happen my entire life. Death makes people uncomfortable and whenever the deceased’s died tragically its human nature to want to say something to lift the spirits of the family. During the COVID19 pandemic large gatherings are not being allowed for funerals so this is a good time for us all to consider our ways and do better moving forward. Keep in mind that someone may be listening who knows the truth.

In my husband's obituary, I shared the facts that he was married to me for 40 years, had been a Boy Scout leader, a church Deacon, an usher, and a music minister. These things are true and do not change just because someone may have had an unpleasant encounter with him. Had I said he was the best person in the world, never met a stranger and everyone loved him I would have been lying.