Letting go of love

I was 10 when I first saw him. Something happened that day that I wish I had of missed. I looked at him and without skipping a beat, decided that I loved him. I didn't think he'd feel the same but I knew I loved him. So from that moment on I did what I could to make him smile.

Friends were all we are and even that was not the proper title. Through a couple relationships, and 41 years I am still here trying to rid myself of the toxic feeling of loving this man.

He's everything to me and I have no idea why. He doesn't care a thing about me, he uses me, he ignores me until he needs me, he claims to love me but treats strangers on the street better than he treats me. He's everything to me and I can't come up with anything he does for me.

He came to me a few months ago, my in home living my life with no help from anyone, trying to move forward, work on myself and forget the love that brings me down and keeps me hurting like no other in the world. I must let it go. I must stop loving him, it is killing me quickly.

He said he wanted us to build our friendship back up and start over, but really he just needed a place to stay. I am not even on his radar as a friend and he treats me the plague in my own home. I let this get me down all the time instead of remember that I am merely learning lessons that he is teaching me, like letting go, standing on my own, doing my own thing, building myself and my own life, moving on...

That in itself makes me so sad. I know it shouldn't. I should only want to be with people that are interested in growing and learning and moving forward with me. I should only be interested in myself and what is in my best interest. I should only want to be around the people who see the value in me and treat me with the love and respect that I treat others with.

I am deep breathing through my day as I once again pack up the belongings of the one I love the most, as I tell him that I need him to move out please, as I remind myself that I am a Queen and deserve to be treated as such and if you don't agree that's cool you can find the door.

I am as worthy as anyone else in this world to be alive, breathing, feeling, loving, living, and laughing. I am beautiful, I am kind, I am strong, I am at peace with myself, I am healing, I am growing, I am ascending, I am awakening, I am a Queen, I am love, I am light.

When feeling stuck, full of anxiety, unappreciated, disrespected, and left behind, just know that that is the lesson. You are being told to stand on your own. You are being given the chance to heal the things that are triggering you to have a trauma response. Look at the pain, sit with it and acknowledge it. Be thankful for the ability to have moved on with a stronger mind, a softer heart, and a more peaceful soul.

Learn the lesson, let go of the past and take steps towards the future you want. Live your life with the biggest dreams you can imagine and live as though those dreams are reality now. Don't stop making those dreams bigger and better and continue walking (or running) towards them. Be grateful for everything you have and know that everything you need will be given at the right time.

Work towards your passions, do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't hurt others, treat others the way you want to be treated and if they can't treat you as well as you treat them then let them go, people will come into your life that do want to stand at your side, that want to grow and heal and move forward with you.

Love will come when you are ready for it, everything will be fine and it will all turn out beautifully. Love yourself and treat yourself like the Queen (or King) you are and love yourself unconditionally. Find your passions, live you truths and find freedom in your life.

I never thought I could let go, I never wanted to. 41 years of loving someone is hard to lose, but living my life feeling lost, alone and unworthy is not worth the trade of watching him descend into what can't possibly be any kind of peace.

I thought it was a present from the Universe, I would be able to be on the inside while I watched how the show ended up. Now I know it was only another lesson, and it's already moving into another. He's the master teacher and I the student learning. Maybe someday he'll be ready to be the student and begin his journey of healing.

I wish him well, I hope life treats him with the things he deserves. I will stop to take a breath and let go and find some peace. I will then take one more step towards my goals. I will know that I tried to help, that I treated him with respect, and love while he was here and I tried to be his friend and rebuild a new friendship. His response was clear. He doesn't want me in his life, he only needed a place to go. I know he has a place to go so he can go there now. I hope that he finds what he wants with her and that he's finally happy.

I hope that she treats him well and that they find comfort in each others arms. I hope it's everything he ever hoped for. I wish him well because I want that for me. I want someone who I love that treats me well and lives there life to build with me not against me.

The past just slides the knife to deep into my back and the loss of blood is killing me. I have to do me. I have to move forward and earn the life I deserve with my actions and intentions.

I'm grateful for the lessons, I'm grateful to know what love is and that I tried my best. I'm grateful to know that if I die today I did everything I could for others that I could for them. Their responses or opinions of me don't matter because they don't pay my bills and they don't live my life or do the work I do to survive.

Let go. Live. Laugh. Love. You are worth it all. We all are worthy of it all. Just don't hurt others and especially when they love you and mean no harm.