Letter to my love

Most days I am ok. I function, I can finally pick up the pieces and move on, but there are days where I can’t even make it out of bed because the pain of loosing you was so pro found. I try to tell myself that you will be back, I keep the faith that things can happen the way I want them to happen. I focus on me and try to better myself through my journey.

There are just some days that that wound leaks open. Oozing out the emotions that I have always felt. Not just about you. Loosing you was just the catalyst to me healing myself the way I need to. It just still sucks. I planned a whole life with you. I wanted to be a part of your growth and help you. I defended you. I faught harder for you and to help you succeed than I ever had with any one else in my life. Maybe to you I wasn’t important, maybe it was all just a sick fuckin game. Maybe even from the beginning it was all just a mind fuck. That’s ok too because I needed it. One thing I learned is that hurt people hurt people. The reason you have been hurting me is because of the hurt that is in and vice versa. I have been in that place too many times to not acknowledge it. I have learned how to understand that when I am wanting to malicious it’s because I am being triggered, those trigger slowly open up the seams of that wound. That oozing, gaping wound.

Maybe you never loved me, maybe you did... will I ever know? I’m not sure. Would I’d like to know yes, do I already know... maybe. In my mind I have told myself or tried to convince myself that you don’t care about me at all and it’s just time for me to take it on the chin. Your actions have pointed to you not caring, your words have also pointed towards you not caring and most people would look at that and say “ they don’t care” . Luckily for me, I have never been like most people. I trust that you care,I think you are hurt. I think you are sad, I think you are hiding. I think that because that’s how I was when I was lost in my mind. Trapped by my emotions and hurt by my past. You know, many years ago when I first met you, I remember how much I looked up to you. I remember how much I wanted to stand by you. Our pains and wound run deep. We used to sit and talk about the thing that bother us or hurt us. When the accident happened and you were not present in my life any more it lead me down a spiral.

I will never forget to acknowledge that you were my first love. I may have not been yours but the love I made with you (non sexually) was strong enough to be the exact beacon of light to bring me back to myself. My love for you, is what illuminated me. My love for you is what saved me. My love for you is what called me back to you. I remember it, I remember the day you told me that we were connected forever, I remember the day you told me we would be close no matter what. I was 16 then, I’m 31 at the time that I write this. Maybe we care closer then I think. Maybe, just maybe because you know how strong my love is you know that if it lasted this long then maybe it can last a little longer before you have to do something about it. Maybe you just choose to never do any thing about it. I don’t know. Do I want to know yes. Do I want to be hopeful that you are the man I know you are yes. Do I have to respect your choices? Yes. No matter how much what you choose hurts me, I have to allow you the space to choose it. I also have to allow myself the love and room I need to choose differently for myself. I love you so much, I love your smile, I love your mind, I love you quirks, I love your ambitious, I love your drive , I love your dreams, I love you. All of you, it’s ok if you don’t love me, I respect that. I still love, because it’s who I am. Even though it hurts when this wound cracks open, for just a few moment I deal with the pain. Then I think about how beautiful our love was, and what We created. I look at everything that came about because of us being in sync. I also think about everything that went wrong and why it didn’t work. I observe and examine myself and where I could have done better and where you could have done differently as well. I take half the responsibility because I was one of two parts. I apologize, I apologize for everything. I’m sorry I wasn’t ok with sharing you because I loved you and I knew we could have made everything happen. I’m sorry I pushed you into not wanting to be near me. I’m sorry I fucked up too but I will never be sorry for loving you. Not then. Not now. I love you still. Maybe it makes me a fool or maybe it makes it real or maybe be it’s just who I am. No matter how I put it, shuffle the cards or cut the deck my love for you reminds me of who I am. The good the bad and the ugly and I will for ever be grateful for you. You will for ever be my favorite fantasy, you will for ever haunt my dreams and I will always welcome you to do it. Im down for the downs. Ready for the ups too.

Love,

Your pain in the ass.

Ana