Leaf-lets of Love

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” -Dread Pirate Roberts, The Princess Bride

If I hear another person or meme or TV show say “Love is the easiest thing in the world,” I'm going to strangle someone. Metaphorically, of course.

And that “I will guard my peace jealously” crock is just as much a lie as “love is easy.” Don't fall for either one.

I'm sorry to burst all y'all's bubbles, but that is simply NOT how life goes. You've been lied to, and it makes me wonder why, since I've heard so many repeat it. Like they're trying to turn a lie into a fact.

At this point I'd say there's a lot of that going around, but that's a lie too. If there are humans, there are lies we try to turn into facts. It's a condition of being human, and we've been doing it for millenia. I don't see that trend fading out any time soon, so we have to fight it the old-fashioned way: facts. Evidence. More facts. Building a theory based on solid evidence, testing that theory with our lives lived out in bright flares of light that fade, and see if the theory stood up to everything we threw at it. If so, great. If not, time for a new theory.

And if you truly think that love is easy, look at the juggernaut that is the music industry. What are most of those songs trying to figure out? Why do we resonate to the ones that call on falling in love, heartbreak, betrayal, picking up the pieces?

Or the clothing and cosmetics industry? Or the comfort food industry? Or big business itself? Come, work yourself to death, but at least you'll have enough money to attract [something vaguely defined as love] before you die in your chair of a heart attack!

Love isn't easy, because Life Itself isn't easy. It's damn hard, it's out to kill you, and you'll still die anyway. So let's look at some facts, and see if we can't come to some better conclusions. We don't want to, because we're lazy and fearful of self-realization. Laziness, our chief export. Small wonder the aliens pass us by, unless they're stopping to look at the caged animals in the zoo of the intergalactic's worst bypass system. Seriously, have you seen the state of our trans-Neptunian objects?

What are my qualifications? Married for thirty-two years, dated for five before that. Demigender, sapiosexual. Only guy I've ever been with, hint hint wink nudge. I have a deep abiding faith, but of a kind that any organized religion would scoff at, because most of them are frauds – they're made up of people, see the comments above. Not a lot of money in the bank, but a solid-ish roof over our heads, and friends I'd die for, and almost have on an occasion or two. Saved a life or ten along the way, dropped parasites out of my life when they showed their true colors, but refuse to give in to the bitter “I will never reach out again” that can come from theft and betrayal.

Why yes, I am an arrogant little turd. And me and my philosophies cling like one, sometimes stink, and eventually I clean up enough to become the most excellent fertilizer for the renewal of life. Which is my point: love is a plant.

If you're a plant lover, you know exactly what I mean. Love is a part of life, and life is messy. We spend our lives trying to clean it up, and try to do things “right,” and it can still dork up no matter what your best intentions. You can trim all the right leaves, use the best fertilizer, optimize light and water ratio and even soil content, and still come down one morning to find your fungus farm has taken over. Or your cat agrees with your choices, nom nom nom. Or God's pool game put an asteroid in the corner pocket, oopsie.

Did we get lost in the weeds metaphors? Yes, let's not get started on weeds. Dratted plants you ignore, don't baby, and they thrive under the hardest conditions. Or choke out your beloved poopsies that you've mothered through three hard seasons of drought, cold, snow pack, ooblek...

All right, all right, I'll drop it. You see my point.

So what is love?

Let's go back to the plant metaphor. Say, oak trees, a favorite of mine. They start as an acorn, and when they begin to sprout, they look unusual. Then those first leaves get shed, and new leaves begin to grow – then branches, then a thickening trunk. For some years you see no growth, and others it's like you can see the dratted thing growing in front of your eyes.

Same with love. That rush of emotions and hormones and all the warm fuzzy feelings that make everything feel perfect that are ephemeral. They are meant to fade over time – hormones do not sustain us forever; ask anyone who's chasing the dopamine rush from any addiction. New Relationship Energy and limerence are amazing, don't get me wrong! It fades, and no longer bcomes as easy. Maintenance requires some work to keep it going - not too much, but not inertia either. Too many people get caught up in going back to the way things felt at the beginning, and society has proven time and again we can never go back. We can only go forward.

Take it from me, there are things that are meant to replace that heady surge. The growth spurt that accompanies a sprout coming from an acorn has to settle into a regular growth cycle at some point, so it can gather enough energy to continue.

Communication. Boundaries. Balance. Listening. Adjusting to the seasons of our lives – sometimes it's my turn to take, other times to receive. Maybe I usually do the dishes, but taking over my chores when I'm sick is a godsend. Checking in with each other's moods and thoughts. There are so many distractions that can pull a couple apart. If you don't make the time to keep an eye on each other's needs, and make a good faith effort to fulfill them, there will be problems.

Of course, the main sticking points will be sex, money, and kids. Matching libidos is a major thing, and we've all seen relationships we thought would last go down in flames over it. In our relationship, I warned hubs that once the Sex Button was pushed, there would be no going back, and I would be a horny hornball to horny horn the ages. He didn't listen – and freaked and ran away more times than I can count after the wedding. Is the sex a little dull sometimes? Sure, but it's still happening regularly. Bugs the sexless neighbors on both sides to no end, though we try to keep it quieter that we could be. And we have ways to spice it up if we choose – if we're not feeling lazy. We've named the sex toys just to be amusing. We make sure to carve out time in our schedules for the important stuff, like talking and sex and cuddling. And sex.

Kids? Well, I'd helped raise many of my cousins, so I was tapped out by college. I never wanted kids (demisexual). I love experiences instead – trips, museums, learning things and visiting places. And we've done those things together. Imagine my shock when, five years into the marriage, hubby turns and asks, “So, when are we going to have kids?” Yeah, that didn't go over well. My response, after I picked my jaw off the floor, of “I told you from the beginning that kids were a no-go, what on earth made you think I would ever change my mind??” “Well, isn't that what you do, get married, then have kids?” Yeah, that was a fun night. I don't bluff, Honey, and I'm honest up front. I'd told him the no kids thing the first or second night we talked, long before we even dated. Now, I do have a stepdaughter, and our granddaughter is a joy and delight. We see her tomorrow, and I'm whipping up a batch of special mac and cheese for her.

Life is messy. Life will throw handfuls of crap at you, and hopefully you survive and thrive. But maybe you don't. Maybe you're uprooted, and need to find new soil to thrive. Maybe your emotional well-being is drowning, or starving, and you need a better environment. Maybe a strangler fig has targeted you, and you need to get out. Maybe you're growing in the wrong direction, or your growth is out of control, and needs to be redirected.

It's supposed to be you and your partner(s), back to back, against what the world's going to throw at you. If you turn on each other, then that's not love anymore.

If you bend, there's still hope. Don't stay where you are till you break if the pressure's too much.

If you go into a relationship with a hidden agenda, it will fall apart. Period. Doesn't matter what it is – you'll get them to change their mind about kids, looking for an ATM or mommy / daddy, you'll do until the real love of my life wises up and comes back, I'm looking to settle and here you are – look, just don't. Seriously, DON'T. Don't bring another human into your issues, thinking they'll fix them for you. That's what therapists are for. Deal-breakers come in all shapes and sizes, and as society evolves to recognize these crappy behaviors earlier than before, your target will escape faster than ever. Be honest. Up front. Some people will actually take your deal, but at least have the courage to name it from the beginning. But that's not love.

Love isn't an emotion, love is an action verb. Love is in how you're treated.