Just Writing It All Out

This life is not what movies play it out to be. Unless it's a lifetime movie. But sometimes I'd rather go through that than things I've gone through.

Right now, my love life is a mess. Well, practically non existent. Being rejected by women over and over again can do a number on you.

I try to be the best man that I can be. I've been told I'm too nice, not country enough, better off as friends, too good for them, and so on.

Honestly, I'm not suicidal. But I don't want to be here anymore. I wish something would happen to where I can move on to that better place and not be here any longer. Because the worst hell you can be in is to not feel like yourself anymore.

I haven't been "single" in 13 years. I guess in that time, I've been rejected by all the women I have dated.

Talking to a friend today, I stated that I don't know what I am. I feel numb. I feel detached. I don't like this feeling. It's the feeling of "I don't know what to do with my hands."

I always try to feel useful to people, but I feel useless.

As somebody who suffers with Anxiety and Depression....

Someone who has harmed themselves in the past, but has not in YEARS....

When I see a person who you'd least suspect....a "Happy" person has ended their life....

I get where their family says, "He wasn't himself."

I'm a goofy, fun loving, make you laugh kind of guy. But on the other side of my card, there's a part that wants to disappear.

I don't show that side much. But there are days where it's hard to keep moving forward.

Sometimes when I say "I'm tired".... I don't mean physically.

Life wears on you. Even if you have it all, life will diminish you.

I know we all know what that kind of "tired" is.

Just know that sometimes....people are "tired" and want to just go to sleep. And not wake up

Seeing people end their life doesn't make me want to do the same. But....I do get jealous that they don't have these troubles anymore.

But as I sit here and write this....makes me think. They may not have the troubles anymore. But their loved ones do. They inherited what you left behind.

It's devastating that it takes more muscles to frown than smile..... But in a flash, you'll never smile again.

If it takes more muscles to frown, then call me a body builder, because lately that's all I have.

Tonight, I want to just sleep and not wake up. But as stupid as it sounds, I have my animals. My cat and my dog who depend on me. Because they unconditionally love me. I feel nobody else needs me.

The reason I'm writing this is because I got my heartbroken today. Again. Everyone always says there are tons of other fish in the sea, but ahead of me all I see is a large bare cold ocean.

I'll leave you with lyrics to a good song:

Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days

Sometimes it feels like this world's gone crazy

Grandpa, take me back to yesterday

When the line between right and wrong

Didn't seem so hazy

Did lovers really fall in love to stay

And stand beside each other, come what may?

Was a promise really something people kept

Not just something they would say

Did families really bow their heads to pray?

Did daddies really never go away?

Whoa, whoa, grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days