Just a Ramble

The last 6 months have been complete and total hell

The hell of my own making

I chose when I entered it

The night I rejected you

Not because I didn’t love you profoundly

But because I didn't love myself enough

It was borne out of my fear of uncertainty

And my own fever-pitch fear of rejection

I entered hell that day

Every single moment of every hour of every day and sometimes even night has been hell. I have not been able to recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like a coward. The vomit just sits in my throat. Waiting to be expelled.

I knew it that moment I wasn’t being myself

I was denying myself the greatest opportunity to ever come my way

What I had been yearning and ardently working towards for YEARS and years

You may not believe me but I had put in thousands of hours of "inner work" up to that point. Every single day.

...

You see I always thought I was open minded

I love flinging myself into the wind of the world

To various destinations of our globe and just winging it

I love the exuberance, the exhilaration

The liberation

Of travelling

All i have to do is show up

It’s not complicated

All I have to do consciously choose it

Sure there are airport lines, sometimes delays and cancellations and all else that comes with it...

Most people I talk to long to travel...they say "some day I'll do it"

and they never do because they never consciously choose it

They let fear get in the way.

You can't just expect the airplane to come to your front door to pick you up...

As it turns out, everything in life is like that,

YOU must meet the ship at port

You must put in something to get something out of it...

Me personally I love travelling

I get to be my true self when I travel. My breaths are longer, by steps are springier, my smile grows wider, my soul is happier.

At home, I clamp up, I feel claustrophobic and trapped. I feel the dust has settled on the people I'm around and it's slowly creeping in for me. I tried to live my life joylessly like the people around me... but that's not me.

I know this is just a trick my mind plays on. It's possible for me to feel free at home, I just need to open up to it.

Travelling is the best part of my life.

Many people tell me "but aren't you worried about something bad happening? after all you're a single woman."

I tell them "no it never crosses my mind."

Not one bad thing has ever happened as a solo woman traveller but countless amazing moments have happened.

Had I not travelled I would have missed out on those many magical experiences. I would have missed out on the Coliseum, Trevi Fountain, Barcelona, my nona's towns of Pesaro and Fano, the beautiful beaches of Alicante, the magical Canary Islands, surreal Malta, Amsterdam, Macchu Picchu, Belgrade, London, Cusco, Athens, the parthenon, the Greek islands and many other places...(these are just my favourites..)

I learn the streets by trial and error

See who happens to be there and chat them up

And go on silly adventures with them

Try the local food, activities etc

I’m open to it all...

Except when it comes to getting really close to other people…

See the way most people think about travelling is how I think about other people...

I let fear get in the way.

We all have our achilles heel.

A couple years ago, when I signed up for a group trip with women my own age

I was utterly petrified but knew that it was beneficial for my self-growth

On the plane I could sense the spiritual importance of it

But I also sensed the dread

I paced around my room for hours, unable to sleep

I called a friend who I talked to for hours

I would be infinitely more comfortable doing Greece alone

Which is a thought that terrifies most people–travelling alone

Yet for me, nothing is more comfortable than being alone

But being with other people, other people I’m very attracted to…

Has always been terrifying for me

I never tell people this because it’s embarrassing

I met a beautiful woman while on the trip

An American

Although I was very attracted to her

I felt a very powerful forcefield of fear surrounding me

It felt like a 400 pound man was on my shoulder ready to pound the life out of me if I ever thought of making a move on her...

That forcefield was in fact my own mind--my ego

trying to protect me

I ditched the trip, had a panic attack and came back on the last day

I was able to do Greece partly alone and heaved a heavy sigh of relief

Ah yes alone at last! being alone is not heaven but it also is not hell...

It is purgatory and that is what I am familiar and comfortable with.

My peculiarly strong fear of rejection prevented me from creating a beautiful chance of developing a relationship with her

She was the first person I was immensely attracted to

It’s easy to date people you find to be just okay

Because then you’re settling

But there’s no joy in it, there’s no excitement, exuberance, exhilaration

Or liberation

Then came someone else

When I returned home

I met another beautiful woman

I still remember the very moment we met

There was something remarkable about her

She was a goddess

But, I was in the grips of something

Just being in her presence was a blessing

I could feel her positive vibes

Which was very soothing for the work I was doing on genocide

It really helped me get through that peculiar challenging and rewarding time

Of studying for my Master’s degree and writing a book

I was so attracted to her, I didn’t want to scare her away

We had very short interactions only

But I could always feel her gentle soothing energy

When I stepped in the library

Very slowly but surely, I tried to show interest in her

She would gently repel and I waited some more

I knew she was the one

And that I just had to keep waiting

Other people from the outside would perceive this as her playing games

As playing hard to get

But I knew it was anything but

It was a strong soul connection

And those take time

We both patiently waited for each other for years

There were parts of me that doubted whether or not our connection was real

Because you were just so beautiful

And our love was so deep and pure

I knew I was bogged down by a platonic karmic relationship

Well that was my chance at the most profound exhilaration, exuberance

And liberation

At love with you

Well long story short

My fear of rejection continues to live on

I expected the airplane to come pick me up at my front door!

Of course that's not the way anything works

I’ve finally left that hell of my own choosing

I’ve finally ascended to earth, to purgatory once more

And I’m back to regular old me

Even though I could have had the chance of heaven!

And a transformed me

All I had to do was consciously choose it in that particular moment

That’s all I had to

That’s all anyone has to do in life

That’s all life really is for everyone.

Making conscious decisions, one after another, after another, after another..

It's not enough to make 10 million conscious decisions, you must make 10 and 1 conscious decisions.

Do not ever expect the airplane to meet you at your door

If it does happen, I can assure you that that plane has gone down and that's not a plane you want to get on...

But once you open yourself to the opportunity, be prepared to be blown away

The universe knows what it is doing, it will push you to your breaking point

so that you will finally lose your old self and transform

Not making a decision is still a decision

This is why the vast majority wind up settling

they choose fear over love

just like I did in that pivotal moment

Sure we can make excuses for it but really all it is is letting fear get in the way--it's unconsciousness. And YOU must take responsibility for it if you ever want to be empowered.

And next time I will be ready to accept, to consciously choose, the next best thing to walk by me

And if that doesn’t come around

Then I’m staying single and I'll keep travelling!

At least the karmics don’t have the same stranglehold they once held on me

No more karmics

Now, I know I must fling myself somewhere new in the world once more

And you know what they say, three is a charm (not necessarily three people but three chances) …

And as Dory says “just keep swimming!” or in my case just keep travelling

and when that beautiful person walks by, remember to say "hi"

and keep consciously choosing them,

again and again and again

But first you must consciously choose yourself first over and over again,

All low vibers are issued a no fly zone.

BE BRAVE.

LET LIFE SURPRISE YOU.

Lots of love,

Ta for now