The Angel In Training

I feel as though I failed a monumental spiritual task

That my my chance to bask in the warm glow of divinity

My chance to be an ascended master

I fell off the highest timeline

I was not true to myself

I did not follow my heart

I felt myself being buried

and that was signal that I was ready to be carried

to the Promised Land

I was daunted but i should have went

It was so much

But i regret it each day

When will we have another such chance?

When can we share our love for one another?

Will the divine give us another chance?

Or have I wracked up tremendous karma?

Please Spirit tell me what I have to do to correct this terrible mistake!

So that i may be with my one and only

I know what you must be thinking,

The apprentice has let down the ascended master

The indigo child has ruined the teacher's magical moment that was a millenia in the making.

I know I know know.

The trainee has tarnished it...

The intern has dropped the ball...

These are all valid

Is there any way i can make it up?

Is there still an "us" somewhere up there?

Do you still care? Even a little bit?

Even a shred?

Please, give me one last chance

It's crazy how much my life revolved around your nuances.

Maybe you will find another me

But I won't find another you

Maybe you'll find someone who is perfect like you

Who does everything they're supposed to do

The first time around

They are the person i want to be.

I hope you find that person so that you can be happy

Now i realize

I came to earth to transform

Not to remain the same like seemingly everyone else

And that there was no other way

I don't like that part of me who just stood there like a thief in the night

That is not me

I know I could do better

It makes no sense to continue holding out for yet another miracle

I simply must accept the terrible decision i made and its consequences

And go with the flow

Who knows what it will be

My heart lies with you and serbia

With the last few remaining survivors

To make jasenovac well known is my soul mission

And even though I faltered

I simply can't let go

I will keep trying

In my own haphazard way

Without the blessing of the angels

To let down those 3 wise men in belgrade

Hurts me almost as bad as letting you down

I promised i wouldn't let them down

I loved you like I loved my precious mission

Then i realized when I looked into your eyes

That all this time i didn't even know what love even is

As your immensely and otherworldly powerful love caught me by surprise.

I got caught in that awful trap called the mind

Instead of running into your arms

And cementing eternity

I kept wondering.

That is not me!

I shout. The weak pathetic girl standing foolishly holding a coffee in the lobby.

That is not me.

But I must reckon with the facts.

In that moment

I was her.

So i must take full responsibility.

Of course that was the worst mistake in my soul's million years progression

It feels as though it was equivalent to killing 10 million people.

I shudder.

How could you?

It always comes back to...

You know better...you know better...

Don't let others drag you down

Don't let others energies pull you down!

Stop acting the sad clown!

I fell into the deepest of depressions

Herumph, i deluded myself in the slumber of life

Not realizing that the universe is made of potent powerful energies

And that i am just a speck of their magical story

That they have graciously weaved

Me into

Usually I am the one to intimidate others

But not this time

But I am not them

I am me

And I know better...

My soul mission is on life support

I only wanted to help them

To make their pain heard, understood

And that thing I struggle with the most...

Transmuted

I stood face to face with the last survivor

Of jasenovac

I felt her pain

But now I feel nothing

I need to return to serbia once more

It still calls my forlorn soul

Once more

Once more...

To see what happens

To see if this strange dream comes true

Although i know this wasn't the way it was supposed to be

What can I do now?

Except move on

Buy another plane ticket

And see my soul tribe

I suspect it will be the last time

I've always felt the race of completing it while the last ones are still alive

They are like you

Living angels

Somehow I have a feeling you know about all this

And I don't need to tell you

You are far beyond a mere mortal

The 3 wise men once called me an angel

What will I tell them now?

Do they know?

This angel hasn't earned her wings

She is out for the count

but her human heart is still beating

and only because of that she must keep living