journal entry #2

A whole decade is about to come to an end; some people cope with it by going out and getting hammered, other reminisce by themselves on the good but also bad, and others have major anxiety. The anxiety stems from thinking about how a whole decade has passed and you might not have done something “meaningful.”

Are you thinking about “what your life means to you or someone else?” How about, what does this past decade mean to you? In my generation, everyone is so worried about what everyone thinks, what someone else is doing, and what someone else is wearing. We get so caught up in the meaningless things, we forget what this past decade actually was to us. It is absolutely crazy to think about how, in these past 10 years, a lot has changed. I graduated high school and college during this past decade. I have met a ton of new people who I now call my best friends but also lost a lot of good people who will not and cannot be in my life anymore. I found my way (myself) in life a little bit but also got a little lost these past 2 years. Life is not easy; we all know that.

But, let us go back to the question, what does your life mean to you? Have you done anything meaningful this past decade?

Forever trying to have confidence in myself.

Shit hasn’t been feeling the same, I just hope we still stay friends through it all.

So different

Not sure what to think. I got asked about you the other day and if we still talk… I said no bc honestly we really don’t, it’s like a few messages here and there talking about our favorite music we used to talk about together or how you want to see me bc we have barely see each other all summer. So I said no but it got me thinking…

Maybe I can’t get you out of my head as much as I would like to bc something just keeps pulling us back in together, the universe is saying go back to each other (that would be the positive outlook) or you just don’t want to let me go bc I was the only one that told you no, the only one that would turn down your offerings to me, the only that didn’t always believe the sweeting talking shit you said to me and (I’m sure) a ton of other girls.

I AM NOT SURE! But something about you was just so different for me and I bet a lot of other girls say that about guys they have dated or talked to before but it’s just how it feels, it might not be true (if we go back and pin point the exact psychology of it all) but it’s how things felt.

Maybe it was because you were the first guy to make me feel so pretty and so beautiful and more confident in myself than I’ve ever been or that you made me feel so happy when you constantly wanted to be around me and kiss me all the time. I think that’s what got me, the constant touching and kissing me was honestly the best. Who doesn’t love being wanted? If they say no, they are lying… come on.

I always said I wanted a summer fling… and that’s what I got. It was fun while it lasted and maybe one day we will come back together when you know how to mature and grow up and settle down in life (again me just trying to be positive bc I am a pessimist most of the time) but until then it’ll never work out for us so I have been and will still be moving onto something bigger and better.

Those night you just want to be in your comfort zone for the night bc you love had a pretty rough day…those are the nights I miss…I don’t get much of those anymore…I miss the comfort of knowing exactly where I am in life and why, when will I get that back again?

Right now it feels like I’m just floating and don’t know where to go or what to do… I don’t want to disappoint and I don’t want to be unhappy and I don’t want to care too much or care too less but what does one do?

How do we find these answers?

Last night I had a lot of anxiety...

When do you know that it is okay to step in as a concerned friend and when are you over stepping your boundaries?

Now I am concern because I have lost way too many friends to significant others that end up not even working out...

Funny right?

Sometimes we are so blinded but what we think we want that we don't realize that our friends are only there to help and want what is best for you...

This has been such a struggle on both sides for me since high school... maybe even middle school...

Why are relationships so hard to understand...?

When do you know that you have gave it, "your all," and it is time for you to walk away...?

Let me say this before hand... I am not any expert...

I took 4 years of psychology in college and 8 years of friends/more than friends coming in & out of my life. Does not seem like much but I over analyze everything in those stages and I think that it has taught me a lot.

I am trying to work on my confidence and it has taken me years to get where I am now, so I will say that I have a good... no, great judgement of character.

First impressions are everything...

I don't always make the best impression but that is something that I have to live with and be okay with. Which is fine you are not going to get along with everyone...

But when I meet someone I know 90% of the time what they intensions are and who they are...

It seems to be a blessing and a curse because most of the time everything works out or as my mom says, "it will all come out in the wash..."

Now I haven't been in a relationship in a MINUTE but anyways that is besides the point, I just get worried about friends that are in bad relationships...