"It's Wasn't Your Fault"

"Why have so many bad things happened in my life? And why me?"

I've asked myself that many times before, but I may never get a solid answer.

I'm still adjusting to this fact, but I am a survivor of sexual violence and abuse.

I refused to let myself believe that statement for a while, because "it wasn't that bad", but now I understand, every moment of every incident was valid, every single one.

I have been sexually harassed by classmates, assaulted by one (with a bystander that did nothing to stop him), and had an uncle that groomed his way into my trust before using me for his own disgusting gain. The last situation only ended a few months ago and began when I was only 15.

I never thought that I would be brave enough to speak up about any of this. I thought that I would carry those secrets, scarred onto my body, all the way into my grave. It took months of convincing myself that it was better to say something to a person that I trust than to continue to be trapped in an abusive situation. It's a very hard thing to do, but believe me when I tell you that it is worth it.

I've had a lot of time to process and, to be honest with you, I'm still doing so, but I have decided on something important. I don't want to allow these horrific events from my past to dictate my future.

I want my life back, and I want my life to belong to me, not to a bunch of men that decided that I was vulnerable, that I was an object. I want to find my identity and be comfortable in life again. I should be allowed to enjoy sex, without fear, and be comfortable in my own skin. I should be able to have agency in those aspects of my adult life. My childhood and adolescence were riddled with people taking advantage of me, and I'm ready to begin moving forward, if only slowly, past the trauma that I never deserved to endure in the first place- trauma that no one deserves to endure.

Something that can be tough to grasp is the fact that we can't simply erase and rewrite the past. At least, it can be hard for me to remember sometimes. It may take some time, but things do get better. Healing isn't linear (my therapist says, "one step forward, one step to the side"), and it will take time, but even if you take it one minute at a time, that's one minute closer to healing. That's one minute closer to a chance at closure, at freedom, at peace.

If you, reader, have gone through something similar, remember that it's never your fault and you deserve so much love and care. No matter how big or small the event was, no matter if it was one incident or a pattern of abuse, no matter if it was your boss, your friend, your cousin or a complete stranger, your experience is totally valid. If it's any consolation at all, I believe you. I would also recommend seeking out some help and support from a mental health professional. It has benefitted my healing journey tremendously, and it's good to have someone remind me that it's not my fault. Additionally, I know just how lucky I am to have a supportive family and a wonderful best friend to walk me through this aspect of my life. I hope every survivor of sexual violence, male, female or otherwise, finds the same amount of love. God knows that they all need it.

I will forever be impressed with the resilience of humans, especially people like us, the survivors. Us, who have lived through so much trauma, continue to live with it day by day, and still keep on moving.

(Here are some potentially helpful resources, just in case you or someone you know could use them):

-Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (US): 988

-National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1-800-656-4673

-Rape Crisis England and Wales (UK): 0808 802 9999

(https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/)

-Crisis Text Line (US): Text "HOME" to 741741

-Shout Crisis Text Line (UK): Text "Shout" to 85258

-Samaratins (UK): 116 123

Hey, never forget that you are loved