It's 2021 - Who Cares?

To be gay in Britain in 2021 is a largely pleasant experience - and not one that my High School experience led me to believe that I would face.

At 13 I came to find out that I was in fact a gay man. The first three years were torture - gay slurs in high school were common, and men kissing men on TV and in pop culture was still pretty tabboo and jeered at.

I was a Tumblr kid, which was a blessing and a curse. The social media app was great for allowing me to discover myself, explore that I had a whole LGBTQ+ community who did exist, and who would support me if I needed it. It taught me self-confidence and helped shape me into the man I would end up becoming. It came with it's downfalls, but overall gave me the perfect foundation to live an open and honest life.

After coming out to most people, I explored dating. Anyone who knows or has used Grindr knows the side effects of it - nastiness masqueraded in a so-called 'humorous and savage personality', hook-up culture, drinking culture, drug culture. It's not a place for meeting Prince Charming, but again it afforded me the luxury of experience.

I discovered a social life that I hadn't known before. Drinking and 'going out' became my addiction. It sounds horrible, and was for many years, but it allowed a freedom of expression that I absolutely needed. It pushed me into a community that I had previously only known about behind the keyboard of a phone. It was loud, and bright, and beautiful, and despite the harm that arose from it - I don't regret it.

And through it all, I'm so aware that I have been afforded these little luxuries because of the fight that was put up by a generation before mine who risked prosecution, abuse, and death for even suggesting that they might be gay.

To summarise being gay up to now - the person with the biggest problem with it is me...

Internalised homophobia is a very real and very common thing - and most, if not all members of the LGBTQ+ community have felt it. When a guidance counsellor at school stood at the front of a sex education class and asked whether anyone in the class was gay - it was the feeling of potential ridicule that stopped me from raising my hand proudly - and yet, now every classmate that I stay in contact with is supportive. When I began my studies and eventual career in the construction industry, I used words like 'partner' and 'other half' so as to avoid detection that he was a he - yet when my colleague asked me if I was gay and I responded with a nod he shook my hand, and my boss asks me questions about Adam nonchalently.

The fear I had been instilled to believe existed on an institutional level - school, sports, church - dissolved into a pool of nothingness when under the spotlight of reality.

To that end, I have lived my life the past few years comfortably, openly, and without shame; humbled by the acceptance I had been given by the friends and family I surrounded myself with. Rather than acceptance from the wider society, I became accustomed with the reality that most people don't actually care - and I was happy with that.

But today, I feel a renewed sense of confusion and feeling of loss at the headlines similar to the one at the top of this page, that I hadn't felt since my early teenage years. First and foremost, it is a stark reminder of the need for progressive change in society. My comfort levels had become high, surrounded by a pool of acceptance and support, but bubbling under the surface I was unaware that tensions do still exist with certain other communities*. Radical change does not happen quickly. Perhaps the term 'Rome was not built in a day' is a particularly effective turn of phrase on this occassion.

*I feel I need to be careful with my word choice. I understand and accept that there are Catholics who do not support or sympathise with the Catholic churches ruling. I bear no grudges against who you are as a person if you continue to stick with your faith even in the face of these headlines - but the headlines are difficult to ignore when they come from the very top of the chain.

Almost exactly a month ago, Valentine's Day 2021, I walked in the front door to face a sea of rose petals scattered on the ground leading to the living room. Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" was playing in the background. Decorations filled the walls. And as I walked into the living room, my boyfriend of 3 years was on one knee holding an outstretched arm with a ring. He promised to love me for the rest of his life and asked me if I would do the honour of marrying him. As if the honour isn't mine!

I quickly, through happy-tears, accepted - and he held me in his arms.

Slightly over a month before, he had held me in his arms upon the news that my Grandfather had passed away. He held my hand through the funeral and re-assured me and cared for me in my sadness. In that moment prior to our engagement, I saw a side of the man I had loved for so long that I had never seen before. Not only was he beautiful, funny, and kind - but also compassionate, caring, and a shoulder to cry on. I never wanted to leave his side.

He was also brought up in the Catholic faith. Though he no longer follows it as piously or devoutly as he once had, I don't think religon has ever fully left his body. I was brought up without religon, but conversely have found myself becoming closer to faith and God. It's a conversation we rarely have or consider, but it exists nonetheless.

Prior to today's news, we had been looking at venues and deciding on what flowers we want, and who to invite, and what our signature cocktail might be. We received an outpouring of love and support at the news of our engagement. We were so unbelievably happy and comfortable and hadn't given any thought to the contrary any consideration whatsoever.

But as tonight's news slowly makes its way onto the TV and spread over Facebook, differing opinions being proposed, I can't help a feeling of emptiness, perhaps even sadness come over me.

My wedding, Summer 2022, will be a celebration of love and I will feel nothing but complete pride and contentness. These headlines will not even be thought of. I can't wait to begin the life with my husband-to-be that we have talked about for years.

But today, we should stop and remind ourselves that the kindness of most, is not mirrored by the hateful comments imposed by others. And the Catholic church is only the tip of the iceberg. 72 countries criminalise same-sex relationships, and in 8 of these countries it is punishable by death. In more than half the world, LGBT+ people are not protected by discrimination laws in workplaces. Between 2008 and 2014, 1,612 trans people were murdered across 62 countries (on average - 2 killings per day). And at least one in five people have experienced a hate crime.

So while on the surface, the Catholic Churches comments on gay marriage may seem unimportant or insignificant, the life I have been fortunate enough to be born into is not the life that so many other members of the community are afforded, and is counterproductive to the cause. These comments are killing people. One step backward, one comment founded in hate, is enough to make a young gay person feel rejected and unsafe - had I been 13 years at the time of these comments I would be placed firmly back in the closet. In today's society, these public declarations of opposition are harmful and simply not good enough.

Gay marriage should not exist to be opposed.

For help, guidance, advice and support - please visit https://www.stonewall.org.uk

And never forget - you are never alone. If you are struggling, talk to family, talk to friends, find local services online or in person, or reach out to me. Being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/queer or anything similar is not wrong, it is not a choice, and it does not dictate your worth on this planet.

I promise you that it gets better. And for those too young, or facing to much opposition, or haven't found or safely allowed to use your voice - I, and the community commit to giving everyone on the planet who faces discrimination a safe place to exist. I will not rest until you are able to live your truth.