It's 1:30 in the morning and my OCD is too much.

I've been told that I shouldn't be offended when people say "Oh I'm so OCD" when they don't actually struggle with the disorder because; “They don’t mean anything by it.”

I have to mentally prepare for every decision I make. My intrusive thoughts are unbearable & I cry myself to sleep a lot. I go through long phases where eating is so hard for me that I sob before taking bites. There are always a million things going on in my head. I feel as if I can’t get enough air or my chest hurts, or there’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow, or I have to stop eating because I’ll throw up, or I’m sick and I can’t tell if it’s real or all in my head! This is absolutely terrifying.

I overthink about thinking. I still doubt myself when I talk about it because I’m afraid that I’ve been misdiagnosed and I’ve just been perpetuating misinformation the whole time which would break my heart and will likely cause me to delete this rambling Google doc instead of sharing (I’d hate to post something so disorganized and not up to my standards anyway).

How can I have a life if I can’t even take care of myself? When will my obsessions devour me? Is it only a matter of time or am I just overreacting? I fear the day when the obsessions I am addicted to start deteriorating my health in even more serious ways. I'm afraid of my future because I don't know how long it'll be until I just let myself die. I’m still shaking as I write this even though it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and the breakdown I had about eating one slice of pizza was hours ago. I feel as though I have no control over my own head.

Now I have to go to bed and face work tomorrow at a job that I love with the ‘knowledge’ that I seem to want to live uncomfortably forever. Like I want to crawl out of my skin every second. But I’m fine. I had the ability to find a therapist and a psychiatrist. Which is a privilege, as many people who struggle with mental illness don’t have the money for the help they need.

So...I can’t help but get offended. I’m not sorry.