Dysregulating - Turbulent - Out of my head (How I'm feeling)

Being mentally ill is a nightmare. I hate that freaking feeling creeping in where I just know something is wrong. My skin is crawling nonstop. I feel off. I feel incorrect. I feel sick.

Trying to explain these things out loud, makes me look incredibly manic.

Trying to explain how violent my body and brain feel while my face plasters on a smile and I play with my hair like a silly guy😝✌️ it feels counterproductive but maybe also very revealing? I kinda just laugh and smile and gesture and make strange movements?

I simply feel strange. I don't know. The inside of me feels like hell. I hate it in here. The spontaneity of specific symptoms is torture. I was fine (pretty much?) like two hours ago. But now I'm shaking and terrified. Should I try to turn my strangeness into productivity??? Will it help me or work me up?? Who's to say?? I don't know. I also feel sick but I know my anxiety does that because of the emetophobia. So like that's its own side thing I guess.

I could project onto a character and write something, could be original but most likely fanfiction, but the thing about that is that I hate it. Cause it will end up being less of a story and more rambling of an internal voice and obviously, I hate my internal voice.

I don't know. It's kinda like, hold on give me a minute:

Jake Chambers in ‘The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands’. Because of Roland's interference, Jake now struggles with a split timeline in his own mind. This causes him to fear that he is slowly going insane. (Had to go to a different note and paste this in, guys). But I mean, I think that nails the feeling I'm trying to explain.

And oh my god side note, I was looking at quotes from ‘The Waste Lands’ just now and THIS quote (about Eddie) feels incredibly relevant to how I feel about my writing. Just yeah, look:

"You haven't finished the key, but not because you are afraid to finish. You're afraid of finding you can't finish. You're afraid to go down to where the stones stand, but not because you're afraid of what may come once you enter the circle. You're afraid of what may not come. You're not afraid of the great world, Eddie, but of the small one inside yourself." (King, Stephen. The Waste Lands. Scribner, 2016.)

Yeah? That's that on that.

Here's a Jake quote that goes into what I was saying before: "Then, as understanding began to trickle through his shock, he felt an escalating sense of horror. It had finally happened; he had finally lost enough of his mind so that other people would be able to *tell*." (King, Stephen. The Waste Lands. Scribner, 2016.)

I can sort of modge podge a collage of what my combined mental illnesses/symptoms feel like through select Stephen King characters. Though I have a hard time finding the words to explain why and I feel the need to reread passages to solidify some of it but I trust myself (to a certain degree lol) and I've consistently identified with these parts so whatever.

So here, pasted from my other old note:

- The overall feeling, the fighting against myself, the Hell which lives inside me: Jake Chambers in ‘The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands’. Because of Roland's interference, Jake now struggles with a split timeline in his own mind. This causes him to fear that he is slowly going insane. (As previously said)

- The Hypochondria, the sickness recreated by my body as punishment?, the compulsions: Eddie Kaspbrak in ‘IT’. His struggle against his mom's insistence that he is sick/fragile vs. his longing for an active childhood/life.

- The OCD: Holly Gibney in The ‘Mr. Mercedes’ trilogy, ‘The Outsider’, & ‘If It Bleeds’. I actually need to reread ‘Mr. Mercedes’ and finish out the trilogy before I confirm how seen I feel, you could say. If my OCD feels like it aligns with how hers is written. But I do love Holly and it kind of does hurt to see that a lot of King fans don’t like her or say she’s annoying because it hits too close to home. Much to ruminate over, I guess.

- The Fear: Richard Sloat in ‘The Talisman’. The absolute terror that my reality could come crashing down.

- The Depression: See this one I'm not completely sure of. Actually, you know what, it's similar to Pete Moore's depression in 'Dreamcatcher'. And I'll say that with this quote: "For a guy like him, the rule of thumb is just SSDD, and so fucking what. You grew up, became a man, had to adjust to taking less than you hoped for; you discovered the dream-machine had a big OUT OF ORDER sign on it." (King, Stephen. Dreamcatcher: A Novel. Gallery Books, 2018.) I feel close to Pete and his loneliness & longing for an old dream that now feels ridiculously out of reach.

Random quotes from King's books that definitely have me feeling very seen are:

Revival: "Frightened people live in their own special hell. You could say they make it themselves, but they can't help it. It's the way they're built. They deserve sympathy and compassion." (King, Stephen. Revival. Scribner, 2014.) (Big one. This quote peeked into my soul).

Doctor Sleep: "There came a time when you realized that moving on was pointless. That you took yourself with you wherever you went." (King, Stephen. Doctor Sleep. Pocket Books, 2019.) (Simple and true. I take me wherever I go and it sucks).

The Talisman: "He began to cry, not hysterically or screaming as people cry when concealed rage with tears, but with continuous sobs who has just discovered that he's alone and will be for long. He cried because safety and reason seemed to have left the world. Loneliness was a reality, but in this situation, madness was also remotely a possibility." (Peter Straub, and Stephen King. The Talisman. Simon & Schuster, 2012.) (holy shit this one is just--)

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I'm sitting here now, in the corner of my bed with my body pressed against the wall and a pillow on my lap. I think I like the feelings of pressure? I don't know. Right now I feel very out of my head. Very turbulent and overcharged (is that a word for it?) But what if I'm faking? Or like exaggerating? Do I just want attention, do you think? When it comes, I cling to it maybe. I feel gross by the way. I'm working myself up again at the thought of having to explain myself. I keep rehearsing how I can phrase it in my head..

I want to say that I don't feel stable but that's something that ignites bigger concerns and perhaps not what I'm looking for. I just don't feel like the person in charge of my body or brain. I feel disconnected. Unplugged but overheating or something. But as I type these things out, another corner of my brain is like 'hey, that's not true. You're just making shit up as you go along. These aren't real feelings.' Which is that true? Possibly? Again, I'm not sure of anything really. As a writer, maybe I just think this all sounds good/interesting.

I feel very unsafe in here, meaning in me, on edge and unwell. My environment outside doesn't feel all that comfortable either. Always seems to be um close to tumultuous or something of that nature. I feel very stale right now. I have to pee exceptionally bad. But I don't want to get up and remember how my body works. Ha.

Also, I'm apparently a mean bitch. I feel incredibly agitated and I will take it out on others, so that's something.

Do I feel better because I rattled everything off in this note? Or do I feel better because it was never real, or as bad as I thought, in the first place?

Do I even feel better?

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At work now, in the break room. My body is electric. I'm having a crisis because I'm wondering if I'm doing this on purpose. Maybe I want to feel like this. Maybe I want people to ask me how I'm doing. Maybe I can shut this down if I just decide to. I feel like an emergency. I'm too aware of my body and its many functions.

I just can't stand to be in my head anymore. I feel nauseated. I'm working myself up again and I can't do that here (work). Do I want this? Can I function without having a problem? I feel like an emergency! I can't let myself be calmed, it seems, and maybe that proves I want this. I want to go home. But what will I do there? Much of the same thing. I want to be put to sleep. Ha. I want to be knocked out. Is this an emergency? I can't tell. Probably not. But I'm not doing well right now. I feel like a danger to myself but I don't like the way that sounds. I'm scared of how it sounds. I want to go home. I am on fire. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm gonna go back in the back room and overthink myself to death. Cry real tears that feel fake or maybe fake tears that feel real, I don't know. I have two minutes of break left!

I want to cry and have someone run their hand through my hair. Please tell me that I'm ok because I legiterally (ha!) Can't do this anymore.

The whole thing with my brain... It's like I try to perform for this audience that exists in my mind. I don't know how to explain it....must be the pressure of entertaining (ha!). I feel like I'm faking all these emotions/feelings/symptoms to appease the audience (me?) In my head. I even do it when I'm happy. I like try to be funny and shit in my own head. It's all a performance. I'm supposed to be mentally ill, so do I play up my symptoms for that audience in my head??? Right now, it feels like it.

I hate overthinking about how my brain works. I'm letting the sound of my own wheels drive me crazy, you know? (Thank you @ Jackson Browne or Glenn Frey - idk which one of you wrote that specific lyric. Had to be Jackson, right?)

My brain is so noisy. Everything gets stuck in my head. Songs, words etc. And sometimes they make me ill. I'm also very sensitive to smells lately. Anything strong pisses me off. I'm so easily grossed out lately. Even certain words make me nauseated.

I think having this note helps some, to be honest.

Another recent development is my constant case of the chills. It 'makes' me twitch and kinda crack my bones/move my body. But the problem here is that I can’t tell if I'm doing this because I can't help it, as in it's a subconscious tick of getting the chills, or if I'm doing it because I like the feeling it gives me??? I don't know. Am I giving myself the chills as a way to seek that twitchy movement???? Maybe so.

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I'm starting to really work myself up again. My intrusive thoughts have now hyper-focused on my fingers, right? I keep thinking about my fingers breaking; how much it would hurt and what it would feel like. I’m so afraid of feeling pain but it’s also almost all I think about. I lay awake at night and fear for all the inevitable moments I will have to be in pain. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm scared. What if I'm going completely out of my mind? What if I've lost myself? I can't exist outside of my mental illness. I try to remember a quote from ‘IT’ when thinking about this (An Eddie quote, of course): “I think it was the first real pain I ever felt in my life, he would tell the others. It wasn't what I thought it would be at all. It didn't put an end to me as a person. I think...it gave me a basis for comparison, finding out you could still exist inside the pain, in spite of the pain.” (King, Stephen. It. Hodder, 2017.)

Oh God. I can't stand this. I feel so unwell and wrong. The constant & unwavering stream of non-stop scary thoughts is getting to me. I want to be ok, that's all.

My problems with eating are beginning to feel hot inside my body again. I already don't eat until I'm full because I'm scared of being nauseated/throwing up and just feeling full in general is nerve-racking enough to derail me. How long until I start heavily avoiding the act of eating? I HATE how it feels to eat. Swallowing and digesting are gross and scary and make me fear things like choking and vomiting. F*** THIS.

Still thinking about my fingers breaking and it's hard to stop when I'm constantly using my fingers, ha!

Also what if I don't actually have OCD? I haven't seen it like officially documented but my Therapist did say I have it and so did the Physicians Assistant I saw regularly (before I stopped going - another problem all on its own). But oh my God, what if it's not true and I've been perpetuating false information by discussing my symptoms under that label? Does that even make sense??????

I don't know. I don't think I'm a strong enough person to keep pushing. But I should be because people have it way worse than this stupid shit. I'm working against myself here. Isn't that ridiculous? THIS IS SO DUMB. I hate it in here (inside of me).

I just want to read The Stand for the 3rd time and if another one of my stupid breakdowns wrecks it AGAIN, I'm going to cry. I'm not a capable person. This is burying me alive. But maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm just talking pointlessly and just saying whatever comes to my head first. Does this even mean anything???? I don't know. Is this all made up??? It doesn't feel like it.

I feel like Jake Chambers. And I just want Roland to pull me into a world that's gonna make sense. A world that feels right. But the problem probably isn't the world. I need to be in a BODY/BRAIN that feels right. This one feels mentally unwell and devastated. I hate myself viscerally. The idea of existing any longer (experiencing things the way I have been) is horrible but not existing at all is terrible too. I need a break but I also haven't done close to enough to deserve one. I feel so unbelievably heartbroken. I'm a train that is constantly being derailed. I am going so freaking slow.

This has been an ongoing note that I’ve typed over the last few days. Right now I’m not feeling much better about any of it. I want to cry. I want to be ok. I want to feel safe inside my own head but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I would like to publish this (preferably on Vocal) just to see if anyone reads it. I want to feel less alone, I guess. It may help to know that other people feel these many overwhelming and awful things too.