Is Whitelighting The Opposite Of Gaslighting?

In my previous article, I wrote about Gaslighting — a form of psychological abuse where the victim is manipulated with false information into questioning their sanity, reality or recollection of events — this can have a devastating effect on the victim or lead to a mental breakdown if they didn’t get help.

You can read all about Gaslighting here

What Is Whitelighting?

Whitelighting is when you are communicating your feelings of pain or discomfort with someone and they casually wave it aside with some positive comment that makes it look like you are complaining too much. They say stuff like: ‘It wasn’t that bad.’ ‘There is so much to be grateful for.’ ‘It could have been worse, you know.’

Now, while those comments are not bad to say to people, I think it all depends on what happened to this person and how this person felt about it. In other words, it is always good to pay attention and understand the situation before you speak so that you don’t say the wrong thing and make the situation worse.

It Happened To Me!

A few months ago, I had a challenging situation. I was with a group of ladies who knew about the situation and they were sympathising with me. At one point, I went the the toilet area to be alone and I didn’t know when I burst into tears. I didn’t want to hold back anymore so I let the tears flow. That was when one of the ladies entered the toilet. I quickly cleaned my face but she already saw the tears and she sounded upset as she asked why I was crying.

However, she already knew the situation. She was not asking out of ignorance as to why I was crying. She was questioning why I should cry. Then she said: ‘Don’t tell me you’re crying because of this thing that happened. Do you know what I have been through? I have been through all manner of abuses and I’m still standing…’ Waow! I just stood there and watched while she talked about her life, how she handled her issues with a strong heart and how crying made me look weak and defeated.

Well, I am a patient person. I did not utter a word. I felt pity for her because I think that she got it all wrong. Crying does not mean that one is weak. In my opinion, crying (that is emotional crying) is a way of releasing toxins to relieve stress. Tears play a therapeutic role in the healing process when you are hurting. It enhances mood, aids sleep, and improves vision. You may cry when you feel like it but don’t overdo it. Also, be cautious if you have a heart condition. (I am not an expert, just saying from personal experience).

Why Do People Whitelight?

According to a 2021 article published in the Elephant Journal: ‘They don’t mean to devalue or dehumanise our lived reality, but that is exactly what happens when someone takes a positive paintbrush on our feelings and experiences.’ In other words, they meant well, so to say but it’s just that they said the right things at the wrong time.

Thinking and talking positively is a good attitude towards others but it has to resonate with the situation at hand. In the above-mentioned instance, when the lady talked to me, it felt like she was directly telling me to: ‘Just suck it up and stop crying. You are being immature and weak. After all, this cannot be compared to what I have been through and I am still standing!’

That is not how to comfort or encourage someone in distress or pain. To her mind, she may feel that she was helping me to be strong but at that very moment, she made the situation worse. I saw her as being insensitive to what I was going through. She was whitelighting me by saying that she went through a worse situation and was still standing. That didn’t help at all. She ended up making the whole thing about her. Kinda selfish.

Most of the time, whitelighting does not come from a place of malice. It has to do more with disinterest and nonchalance. When someone does not want to engage with your problems, they brush them off because they either cannot be bothered to help or they feel that you are being too negative. The result is that it robs you of the authenticity of your own experience.

It Is Better To Play Safe

I think it is better to play it safe when someone is in distress. It may be better to say stuff like: ‘I will not say that I understand what you’re going through because I don’t. But I know you’re a strong person and I know that you will pull through this. It may not look like it now but you will be fine…’ You can remind the person about past events where they were strong and overcame certain challenges. This will show that you understand and care about them.

Whitelighting is like painting a rosy picture over someone else’s experiences and feelings. It can be subtly disconnecting and dehumanising. It also denies the affected person the needed space to process their emotions fully. We all deal with issues differently as individuals. What you take as nothing might be a big deal to the next person and vice versa. Always think before you talk or rather hold your peace than say something that will make them feel worse. Don’t be a whitelighter.