INTROVERTS AREN’T BROKEN

I don’t know how many articles, blog posts, podcast episodes, books, etc., I’ve seen that have some variation of the title “How to fix your introvert friend,” but it’s far too many. For some reason, there’s this weird thing that society has against introversion. They feel the need to get us out of our shells or get you to talk more. We’re often shamed because we would prefer to stay in rather than go out. Introverts force themselves to go out with friends even though they know they will be miserable and hate every second because they get guilted into it by extroverts who find it weird we’d rather be alone.

When I was in school, I was always a quiet kid. As an adult, things haven’t changed a whole lot. For some reason, I’ve had people my entire life tell me to talk more or be more social or … Why? Why do people care so much about how I interact socially? Introverted children start to feel like there is something wrong with them. Teachers are constantly telling them they need to speak up more. Parents are pressuring them to walk up to a stranger (child) on the playground and make friends. It isn’t that easy for us. We don’t like doing that. It’s not something you can just manifest. Being shy or quiet is seen as something that needs to be eradicated by society, especially in women. If you’re a quiet woman, people perceive you as stuck up.

I think (some) extroverts feel the need to “fix” introverts because they cannot just sit and be alone. I have a very close friend who is, what I would classify as an extreme extrovert. We were also roommates so we were able to observe each other’s social behaviors very closely for about a year and a half. We were equally fascinated by each other. Me with her never-ending social energy and her by my ability to spend hours alone without the presence of another human. We were able to learn from each other without feeling the need to change each other.

Everyone should spend alone time. it's healthy. So is socializing. An extreme at either end is unhealthy. Social time looks different for me than my extrovert friends. They want to have 17 friends over and play board games for 5 hours. My social time is sitting in the living room talking to my roommate. Don’t get me wrong, I love extroverts. If there were no extroverts in my life, I would have no friends. The problem comes when introverts are labeled as weird or antisocial and shamed into doing things they do not want to do. Many extroverts I have met are unable to comprehend the idea that people don’t want to talk just to talk or do not need to be around other people all of the time.

Here are some tips if you’re friends with an introvert:

1. Ask them to hang out. Just because they are introverted doesn’t mean they don’t like to do stuff and don’t want to be included.

2. Allow them the option to say no. I love doing things with friends or family, but sometimes I am exhausted and can’t fathom having to summon the energy to hang out with people and I want my friends to understand that it's not them, it's me.

3. Don’t tell them to talk more. Please. I used to get told this a lot when I was younger, but once I got into my 20s, I started responding with, “I don’t have anything to say.”Most introverts I know, including myself don’t talk because they’re rude or ignoring you, it's because they don’t have anything of value to input. They don’t feel the need to talk just to fill the silence.

Ok, rant over. If you’re an introvert, just know that you’re just as valuable as your extroverted friends and you don’t need to talk more, come out of your shell, or be more social. It’s fine to spend time alone and next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, say no.