Internet Dating Makes James Van Der Beek Cry

Before this seems like I’m going off on some rant about internet dating and how shit it is—I’m not. I’ve done it quite a bit for the last few years—mixed results mostly (partially because I never know what the fuck I want exactly)—and I have met some nice people. I’ve also met some complete loons as well… but I guess at least I have stories.

The thing that I really don’t like about it, apart from not really knowing if you’re 100% attracted to someone, is the fact that people make so little effort with it. Like the lame small talk that streams out of people in text speak, like diarrhea, but really mundane. One word questions. Ah hear. And maybe that sounds rude because I’m not a dude (and apparently internet dating is harder for men) but if you get 20 messages that all just say "hey" you really aren’t going to answer any of them. Well I definitely wouldn’t. Like get your finger out. You’d say more than that in real life wouldn’t you?! Let alone the random filth that people seem to throw around on the internet proving the sentiment of "if you throw enough shit at all wall some of it will stick" is still alive and well. At times internet dating makes me sad and angry for humanity... like YouTube comments and celebrity news. Is this what I've become? It makes me feel like...

Anyway, my brain was bored while I was doing menial but enjoyable tasks in work and I wrote an undesirable profile in my head.

So with a shit drunken picture of me giving it socks dancing on the lock, a fake age (I added a few years on), my profession listed as "puppy killer," a stupid sexual innuendo in my screen name creampie1980 and the headline "Like being emasculated? Your search is over!", I wrote the following:

What am I looking for?

Well, it says here I want to date but nothing serious but that's me trying not alienate anyone initially. Essentially I am looking for someone I can torture slowly for the rest of our long painful lives. I want someone who will look at me in thirty years with as much contempt as I look at them. I want someone who will sigh because they can barely contain their hatred for me.

I mean initially it'll be fun though, right? We'll go murder puppies and I can completely emasculate you in public. You'll love it because you can't do any better. And if you don't you'll just get used to mopping up my sick after you've dragged my drunken body home. And don't forget the excrement... Just don't. You'll grow to love that too.

I suppose I should tell you that I prefer younger men. They have way more stamina in a sexual capacity than older guys. They also have less baggage and although I am looking to meet my soul mate I don't have time for any of your shit.

My hobbies include murdering puppies, drinking excessively, deep breathing phone calls and planning our wedding. Yeah you heard.

InPS - No dogs.

So the time now is 12:16AM and I have 53 messages. I have been favourited four times and over 120 people looked at my profile. What the fuck happened there?

When I wrote this I wasn’t expecting any particular kind of reaction. I was just wondering what the reaction would be. I added another picture of me that was decent after a while as well to confuse matters more, and to also see if people actually read profiles. And so I waited…

Now there were a few responses I guess I was expecting. People taking me seriously and saying "good luck with getting someone," which I sniffed at. It wasn't really worth a derisive snort because I really didn't know what the point of doing this was anyway.

But then I got very positive messages, that were quite jokey, that seemed relatively genuine. Like:

There were loads of other positive ones but all of these seemed really preoccupied with my profile saying that I preferred younger men (s'true though):

This one does it too but at this stage, I only had the main picture (above) up:

Aside from the wrong use of 'your' vs 'you are' and the blatant offer of animal cruelty, the word 'beautiful' just proves the bullshit people will come out with to get the ride.

Is this beautiful?

Seriously...?

What the fuck like?!

Obviously, I had to contend with the sexual connotations of my name as well. I just stonewalled. That was a pity because that man was kinda attractive....

And like this when I just started fucking with them:

But then one started turning into ridiculous banter, mostly because I couldn't be arsed answering his questions...

And then aside from the boring "hey" messages, and a few "lol" ones, a load of straight to the point ones like this which made me really tired because it was just like back in the old days on it.

It's not that I'm even offended by this, although I know I probably should be, it's just so boring. Personally, I wouldn't use a dating site to just have sex with people. Most people can do that without the internet. And even still you wouldn't walk up to someone and ask if you could "ejaculate" on me. Would you? Could you? The internet makes it safe for gross people to say stuff to people they'd never be brave enough to in real life. So why do they say it on the internet?

Just to prove to you that I have actually talked to some nut jobs on dating sites here are some older examples of the things that are sadly a regular thing:

And my all time favourite from a married man, who wasn't even trying to hide it and got snotty with me...

Anyway, I don't know why I did this today. I expected it to be funnier and I'm going to delete it now. It has reinforced that I'm not going back to the internet dating thing. It's just not for me anymore because my faith in humanity shrinks just a tiny bit more every time I talk to a shit head with a crap hair cut who can only write in text speak and introduces himself by saying how he'd like to cum on me. That's not me being a prude but I'd just rather not be another bit of a wall that shit is being aimed at.

Ahhh bollox and now I have some gross self-entitled prick harassing me because I won't talk to him.