I Wish

I wish we never found the little black book. I wish we never found the $20,000. I wish we could go back to the days before we cared about anything. I wish I didn’t feel this pain.

My therapist told me to write out this story. Maybe something will change by putting this on paper, maybe it won’t. If this is just a waste of time, I’m finding a new therapist.

When we found the black notebook, Ben and I were 13 years old. I remember it being the greatest discovery of our lives, truly now we were on our way to becoming the greatest explorers the world had ever seen.

The black notebook was hiding behind a rock underneath Heritage Bridge next to a creek, the feeling of pure excitement when we opened that book is still fresh in my mind. The joy of reading those words is now stuck in my heart forever.

Dear whoever it may be,

I have no need for it anymore, it hurts to even write this. If you’re reading this, it’s your lucky day. Head to the back of Blueridge Elementary School, inside the abandoned car awaits my greatest mistake. Life is full of regrets.

-M.

We found the car that day, there was $20,000 in cash under the front seat. Back then, $10 for mowing Mr. Clement’s lawn made us kings, but this was more than we could ever have imagined. We made a pact to never tell anyone, never to use the money until we graduated high school. We spent class every day dreaming of what we would do with the money then after school we’d rush to tell each other our ideas. We dreamt of pure things; donating it to charity, rescuing dogs, buying hundreds of scooters. Things that I wish we would have done there and then. But instead, the money sat in that abandoned car doing nothing but slowly turning into a child’s story.

Having to write this out, it feels bittersweet reminiscing on these past experiences. The feelings of joy, freedom, and fun linger on the edges of distant, fuzzy memories. The worst part is knowing that they will never happen again, that they will only live on in the minds of those who were apart of them, invisible to everyone else.

The next years after the discovery went by smoothly, middle school went by in a flash but slowly the black book became something of the past, a story that was slowly becoming myth.

High school came and everything changed.

Ben and I were close at first, but it was a big school, we didn’t have any classes together. Hanging out after school turned into football practice, searching the forest for monsters got replaced with math homework, and the explorers were disbanded for new friends.

One day I was talking to Ben and I brought up how we should spend the money. I never saw him get so angry. He laughed and told me that it was all made up. How could you be so stupid to still believe in that?

I asked him, no I pleaded for him to go to the abandoned car to see for himself. It’s still there I yelled.

His next words stung because they were true. Looking back, I should have listened to them.

Ben told me that I was stuck in the past, afraid to grow up. That the money was a sad chance of me trying to cling on to what we once had. That my future is so dull that I have nothing to look forward to but the past.

I went home that day defeated and broken. The one thing that I cared about, the one thing that I thought made me special, was gone.

After that he ignored me. Nothing would bring him to that abandoned car, I was alone. The next two years of high school were a blur, homework, class, the same feeling of pain and isolation played on repeat.

We always made fun of whoever -M was, why in the world would anyone give up that much money? But now ten years later, I think I understand. When faced with the loss of something truly important, nothing seems to matter anymore. The biggest houses, the fanciest clothes, or $20,000 in an abandoned car. None of it compares to what they used to have, what Ben and I used to have.

I decided to go back to that bridge today, to find that same rock next to the creek again. The creek was completely unrecognizable.

I brought my own little black book and put it behind a large rock, mirroring the words of -M I wrote,

Dear whoever it may be,

Due to my loss, you may find something great. Do anything you want with it. I wish I did when I had the chance.

There is $20,000 in an abandoned car behind Blueridge Elementary School.

-H.

After writing this all down, I realized I pushed Ben away because I was stuck in the past. I didn’t want to move on and explore the new world with him. I shot his plans for the future down so I could retreat to something that made sense to me. I was a coward.

Life is full of regret. Yes, life is full of regrets but it’s our job to learn from our past experiences and not make the same mistakes again. -M failed to realize this and probably still suffers from it today.

Even now, this newfound realization brings some peace but the scars are still here. It doesn’t change the fact that everyone has one regret that they could wish away. That one regret that they would trade $20,000 for. That one regret for me is…

I wish I was a better friend.