I wasn’t this way before

How did I get here? To this absurd land of confusing emotional torment. I feel as if I am laying on my back in the middle of a cold, pitch black, open space. The universe around me spinning at a steady rate. When I decide it’s time to get up, my mind flip flops with instant conflict. A sudden worry what the right direction is to start. In a panic of sorts as my heart rate increases.

I wasn’t this way before. My thought process was thorough. Never consumed with any hesitation of an outcome, because any well thought plans come backed with an alternate route. Not anymore, no sir! My eyes fear sleeping, fighting until my body takes control and unknowingly, I drift to sleep. Highly agitated, I instantly awake to onset anxiety of anything that my mind can calculate. I worry of past things. Things that I could have possibly prevented or at the very least, somehow alter the outcome. I’ve never been this way, it’s all a new adjustment.

I wasn’t anything like I am now. I loathed the mere thought of being alone, ever. Now, I need to be alone. Before this, I had absolutely no need to be away from my wife or children. My life was full of pure, toxic chaos and all that I wanted from life. I was caring and considerate of the feelings of others, regardless of the pain they bestowed upon me. I cared if I was rude to others and cried very easily if my feelings were hurt. I wanted to understand everything about someone and give my all to help them. Sadly, if someone hurt me, I would find a way to put the blame on myself. Searching for what it was that I could have done to make them feel the need to do wrong by me. None of it ever mattered, I was the only person hurting. It’s time I shut off some of the issues creating my pain. Selfish people, this is not love, I don’t want love anymore.

The sudden loss of my first and only wife, my best friend, my everything behind my children absolutely transformed me and I have no control over it. She promised me forever would never come, she swore she’d live for me. When she took her life, it altered mine and nothing is the same. My mental state is not the same, the color has left my life. Answers are needed everywhere but I need answers too. Completely in shock, there’s no time to wait. There’s no time to think and nowhere to run. A cold empty feeling on my back, bigger than a softball. On the back of my ribs, behind my heart. I wasn’t like this before.

I’ve lost whom ever I was before. When I was hurt not broken. A time when I wanted to be pleasant and cared what others thought. She’s gone, she left with her wife. Now, when I catch myself in a bitter and unpleasant mood, I’ve lost all willingness to fix it. Lack of ‘give a damn’ I’ve tried to blame. I thought at one point that I was suppressing anger from the losses I have endured. I soon realized that I am trying to protect myself from any chance to feel pain again. I am terrified to be vulnerable. Unintentionally, I became a strong, blunt woman who has emotions only for her children. My morals and goals are in tact and I am proud of how solid I am. Although it seems harsh and is everything that I wasn’t before. I don’t completely dislike this newly acquired persona. Sometimes, it’s like my brain battles between the old me and this wrecked, cold & leftover me.