I Was Psychologically Abused for a Decade

If there is one piece of advice that I could give to anybody, it would be this:

Think very carefully before you completely trust your partner in a new relationship.

I was targeted by a passive-aggressive narcissist and I never knew.

I was completely unaware of my ex-partner’s intentions and giddy with excitement about starting a new relationship following my divorce.

My new man was kind and generous, bombarding me with gifts, wining and dining me at expensive restaurants. But he was love-bombing me, all part of his evil plan to win me over and get me on side.

He sensed my vulnerability after my twenty-three-year marriage broke up.

What is love bombing?

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

Once I was smitten and had been lured into the spider’s web, it was all downhill from there. But not in the way that you might think. His behaviour was sometimes a little awkward or quirky and I once overheard a friend of its saying, “He was a bit of an odd ball”. The alarm bells should have shaken me out of my dopamine-induced stupor.

I should have woken up to the harsh, cold reality of the fact that I was dating an extremely nasty, cruel, and heartless person who was hell-bent on destroying me and my life as I once knew it.

I was always a happy and carefree soul with a zest for life and a passion for living it to the full. However, that all came to a grinding halt when I placed my trust in this person.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and the act of manipulating a person and a victim can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

That is precisely what happened to me and if you read the list of the signs of gaslighting in this article, I experienced them all.

My biggest mistake was to trust him and believe every word he said. I was foolish. This new relationship, after being alone for over a year, had gone straight to my head. In hindsight, I should have taken things much slower instead of hopping aboard the train which was destined to crash and burn me with me solidly on board.

After ten years of giving myself completely to the relationship, financially and emotionally, I was done. I had been bled dry in so many ways — isolated from my family, destruction of the close relationship that I once shared with my only child, and ruined financially.

As if that wasn’t enough, he was still hell-bent on destroying me after I left and a bitter court battle followed. He was determined to leave me with nothing, not even my dignity.

At that point, I was even beginning to question my sanity.

I had to rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes

Never underestimate how debilitating fighting a passive-aggressive narcissist can be. It takes every ounce of inner strength, courage, and tenacity just to keep up with them.

You will never get the better of one, however hard you try, because their ultimate goal is to destroy you completely, even if they destroy themselves in the process.

After I was finally able to extricate myself from the relationship, I room-shared with a stranger and licked my wounds for several weeks.

When I nervously walked into the ordinary-looking house, I had no idea what a huge impact this stranger would have on my life. Thank goodness there are still some good people in the world; she was my guardian angel.

Then, a chance encounter led me to meet a new man.

It was a whirlwind romance and naturally, my family and friends were worried about me leaping right back into the fire. On first meeting my new partner, however, the vibes were very different and he got the thumbs up immediately from everybody, including my daughter.

The main differences between now and then?

We keep our finances separate; I don’t have access to his and he doesn’t have access to mine. It works well and both being second-time-around marriages, it seems a very sensible way to operate; I certainly don’t have any problems with it.

My husband is a kind, generous and loving man and is helping me to build up my savings, which will be a slow and long haul. But money is not everything and I have learned that being with somebody who genuinely cares about you, your welfare, and your emotional and mental well-being is far more important than any amount of money.

He and my daughter also have a great relationship, which is really important and I get along famously with his children and their families.

I feel such a different person now than I was back then when I was with the narcissist. The road to recovery has had a lot of bumps along the way and it has taken a lot of time and effort to get to where I am now.

I had one-to-one counselling sessions for a long time, I talked at length openly and honestly with family and in particular, my daughter, and we were able to build the bridges and repair our damaged relationship.

That is worth more than anything money can ever buy.

My experience has left me with scars that run deep and I have written lots of poetry, which helps me in the healing process of getting my feelings out into the open, instead of bottling them up inside me.

Writing poetry also helps to alleviate the feelings of guilt and self-deprecation that I used to feel every day. I am re-building myself and the personality that I once enjoyed: being bubbly, zesty, and full of life. I am not quite there, but almost. And it feels good!

If you have been in a psychologically abusive relationship, or believe you are in one now, I hope this article has helped in some small way to assist you in moving forward.

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Break Free and Take the Plunge is an article I wrote following the breakup of my abusive relationship, which may also help you.

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This article was first published on Medium, where you can find more of my work. Why not get a weekly update from me in England by signing up to Rosy's Ramblings? I publish every Saturday and it's free!