Break Free and Take the Plunge

Leaving a relationship can sometimes feel like jumping off the edge of a cliff.

But it needn’t be scary — with some forethought and planning — you can take the plunge. I should know; I have done it twice. Once, after 23 years of marriage, and the second, after spending 10 years in a toxic relationship.

The hardest part is making the decision to leave

Once your mind is made up, the rest falls into place like a domino effect. Let me explain.

If you are deeply unhappy in a relationship, negativity is going to suck you down into a big, black hole. It becomes a vortex that you can’t escape from: the centrifugal force of the situation just keeps drawing you lower and deeper into the blackness. I have been there.

Keep strong and focused

Focus on what it is you want. It is your life and if you feel you are wasting it by being with somebody you no longer want to be with, then leave. I know. That sounded so easy and simple to say and I know that it is not easy at all. In fact, it can be extremely difficult, but with some careful planning, it can be done.

Even if we have fallen out of love with our partners, we tend to feel some loyalty towards them. Why I don’t know because they certainly didn’t feel the same level of loyalty towards us when they treated us a certain way or neglected to consider our feelings. These things happen. True love can conquer all but there are times when circumstances change and a seismic shift in the relationship alters our feelings, which can result in the relationship no longer being enjoyable or attractive to one or both of those concerned.

Be honest

If you know the relationship cannot be salvaged, be honest and true to yourself. It is hard and you know that there lies a difficult time ahead, but look upon it like going through a long, dark tunnel. The length of the tunnel depends entirely on how you handle the situation. For example, if you delay letting your partner know how you feel then that tunnel will seem interminably long. If you face the situation head-on and get things moving quickly, it can make that tunnel seem much shorter.

Remember: there is light at the end of that tunnel

It takes courage

Be brave. When I left my husband of 23 years, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Telling the man that I had fallen head over heels in love with at the tender age of 17 that I no longer loved him, was heart-wrenching. It broke his heart and my heart bled for him. I felt cruel, insensitive, and guilty. But, I had given him so many opportunities to right the situation, which he failed to pick up on, despite his ‘undying love’ for me.

Actions speak louder than words

His in-action told me everything I needed to know: he didn’t care enough about me or our relationship to go that extra mile to save it. Sad, but true. My childhood sweetheart no longer loved me enough to want us to stay together: that was the harsh truth.

The domino effect

Once you have lit the blue touch paper or tipped that first domino, everything will follow. How it follows depends on whoever is steering the break-up of the relationship or who is at the helm. Make sure that person is you, otherwise you could find yourself being emotionally blackmailed and the agony of the break-up will only be prolonged.

Before I left my husband, I rented a small place near my place of work because I knew that he would never leave our marital home. It was a case of, if I had asked him to leave, we would both still be there now. So, I shook things up and made the momentous decision to leave. I kept a key because I was still the half-owner legally, despite him telling me that I ‘wouldn’t get a penny because I was the one who left.’ Again, don’t listen to what your partner tells you: seek legal advice if you think you are going to need it.

From my standpoint, if you can avoid legal action, then avoid it. My solicitor once told me, after I said to him, ‘But it’s the principal!’, that he makes a lot of money out of principals. But principals don’t get you, the client, anywhere. That makes so much sense to me now but at the time, I didn’t get it because I was so angry with my ex-partner. If assets are involved, you will inevitably need a lawyer to make sure you get your fair share.

Look after yourself

I had planned my ‘escape’ meticulously and because I knew that my husband would never let me walk out through our front door with my suitcase in my hand, I left him a letter while he was out for the day with friends. He had no idea that he would come home to an empty house. I wasn’t being cowardly, quite the opposite, I did it because I knew there was no other way of doing it. You need to know your partner and second-guess their reaction, particularly if you think they will act violently towards you. My husband was never violent but my ex-partner, I’m not so sure.

Again, I ‘took the plunge’ while he was out for the day because I knew that he would react badly to my leaving. I didn’t take the coward’s way out, I took the sensible route of not being harmed. I kicked into self-preservation mode and that’s when you have to look out for yourself and look after yourself. After all, nobody else is going to look after you, unless, like me, you are fortunate to have some very good friends and a loving family to support you and they helped me through both break-ups. The second was far more traumatic than the first although, at the time, I thought the divorce was horrendous. It was a walk in the park compared to the harrowing court cases that I attended in my second break-up.

I have written about that relationship in several posts if you want to read more, but basically, I should never have trusted this man, ever. More fool me. I did and I paid the price, almost, I am sad to say, the ultimate one, with my life. Fortunately, I have a beautiful daughter who, unbeknown to her at the time, was the reason I chose to live rather than wanting to die. Nothing is that bad, let’s be clear. I was not thinking rationally and I had allowed this toxic person to get inside my head and that is why I left the relationship so that I could start my life afresh.

To recap

1. Be brave
2. Be honest
3. Keep focused
4. Plan ahead
5. Be positive
6. Be kind to yourself

My takeaway for you today

Don’t wait as long as I did in my second relationship to face up to the fact that the relationship is over. I prolonged the agony of the separation because I had no financial means of supporting myself (thanks to you-know-who). I went online and found a website called Spare-Room and moved in with a complete stranger.

When I left my marital home, I moved into a fully furnished cottage near my place of work and made sure it had a second bedroom for my daughter, then aged 15, to come and stay. It was tough on her and the guilt that I felt was terrible, but I just couldn’t go on living a lie.

Now, aged 32, my daughter tells me that she understands the reasons why her parents split up and now her father and I are both happily re-married. In her words, “I now have two Christmases rather than one”. What a lovely way of looking at the break-up of your parents.

I have never been happier than I am today. Perhaps going through two difficult break-ups taught me how to be resilient and having gone through the long, black (and sometimes bleak) tunnels, I kept my eyes focused on the light and came out the other side.

Finally, if you are in a relationship that you know is over, take the plunge. Jump off that metaphorical cliff: make that leap into the unknown. Plan it carefully and you will be absolutely fine. Really, you will.

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This article was first published on Medium, where you can find more of my work. Why not get a weekly update from my village in England by signing up to Rosy's Ramblings? I publish every Saturday and it's free!

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