I Want to Grow

Every 1st of January, I take some time to myself and answer a whole series of questions to reflect on both the year that has passed and the one to come. These questions include “What was my biggest fear?” “What was my biggest challenge?” and of course, “What is your biggest goal for the new year?” which is a tough one, if not the toughest.

It’s hard to answer because there was only one year that I truly succeeded in achieving my resolution: I had challenged myself to read a book a week (me, a huge book dragon). I ended that year wishing I would have pushed myself further: why would I be proud of something that was easy to accomplish? I need something challenging, but achievable.

All the other resolutions I had given myself over the years sounded like “keep my goals in mind; they’ll guide me in the right direction,” or “find ways to be happier and less stressed,” and even “beat depression’s ass.” These are all great objectives—to a certain extent, of course—but the main problem with them is that they are so abstract. I always had a goal, but I never had a plan. This year will be different.

My resolution this year is simple: I want to grow. No, not in the literal sense—I’m already 6 foot 1, that’s enough. What I mean by “I want to grow” is that I want to get rid of the feeling that I’m stuck in place. I’m a student… and that’s about it right now. I want to learn and develop my skills in my field of study, and want to try things and try them again to make sure of what my likes and dislikes are. I want to read up on so many articles and ideas and get a better picture of where I’m headed in the future. I want to step away from the relationships I’ve outgrown, and I want to flourish in brand new ones. I want to grow, but I want to respect my boundaries while doing so.

Still, this isn’t a plan. It’s just a more detailed resolution. Here’s the actual plan:

• Stretch every day for at least five minutes. Whether it be while waiting for my hot water to boil or while I’m attending an online class, I need to activate the many muscles I’ve forgotten about.

• Reserve a weekly period of time for research and hands-on practice within my field of study. This can include reaching out to professionals to ask them questions, seeking internships, reading articles to stay up to date with what’s new in the field, writing my own stories down, or volunteering to proofread and edit my classmates’ written work (I’m studying Creative Writing and Publishing).
• Be strict with my sleeping schedule. I take pride in saying that I get eight hours of sleep (almost) every night. To be completely honest, some nights are better than others when it comes to the quality of my sleep (this reminds me: I need to get rid of my brick of a mattress), but in general, I’m in bed for at least eight hours straight. This means that if I need to wake up at 7 AM, I try to be in bed by 10 PM at the latest because it takes me a little while to settle down and turn off the ideas in my head before falling asleep. Anyway, I’m rambling on. I’m already pretty good with this, but recently I’ve been prioritizing other things (hanging out with friends, binging movies, etc.). These activities were all fun, but they all took a toll on my energy and mood, making me less productive or present for my daily responsibilities.
• Step outside and breathe in the fresh air. As simple as that.
• Be transparent with everyone. If I don’t agree with a friend’s behaviour, I need to tell them how I feel rather than keep it to myself. I’ve had the bad habit of writing things in my journal (which I highly recommend to process emotions and events), but I never resurfaced any of my conclusions, never confronted people once I better understood my feelings. Being open and honest with others about my thoughts and emotions will help me grow within relationships or outgrow the ones that no longer feel right.
• Start saving money! I’ve made a budget and everything, and by respecting the amounts I’ve set, I’ll not only feel better about my money management skills, but I’ll be able to save up for bigger projects than a McFlurry.
• Dedicate 30 minutes to reading every day. And here is the flexibility: it could be about anything! I could read novels as much as I could read articles about the publishing industry. I could read “Cooking for Dummies” and try new recipes, developing a new skill at the same time (I was recently told that I’m a better baker than I am a cook). I could read on the bus, in between classes or while I’m gulping down my breakfast, but I’d always prefer making myself cozy under a blanket, soft Jazz buzzing through my earphones. Still, as long as I take that time for myself and breathe in the words on the pages, I think I will be on the right track.

I would talk more about how my boundaries tie themselves into my plan, but it’s tricky because my boundaries are always evolving. I’m comfortable around some people, and less so around others. Some days I wake up wanting to cry, and those days stretching can even be seen as too much. Other days I could be on my feet for 16 hours straight.

I mentioned my boundaries simply because I want to prioritize myself and do things my way. I want to be gentle with myself and give myself the ideal conditions that I deserve in order to grow into who I’m meant to be. This means that I will listen to others’ advice, but I will make my own decisions, not let others bully me into a choice and I will forgive myself if I don’t have the time to read or stretch, or if I simply want to rest.