I Rose From The Flames

I didn't see it coming.

You and your fake gentle personality.

You pretending that you loved me, and you were so good at it that everyone believed you, including me. If only I'd have had enough insight to know what true love was back then, I'd have never chosen you.

I only learned after I lost everyone I truly loved because of your physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, and it took years before I could trust anyone when they claimed they loved me, enough to believe it was true.

Let me tell everyone what you made me believe love was back in that horrible period, the early 90s:

• Love meant only I was to do the housework. If I left just one thing out of place, or a room a bit messy, then there was something wrong with me.

• Only he was allowed to speak his mind, even when I was right. If I tried to have an opinion or prove him wrong, then I'd end up hit.

• The children were only allowed to be brought up in the way his family agreed, and they were only allowed to dress and look how they said they should be. I wasn't allowed to use my own maternal instinct, because it was always wrong.

• I was only allowed to have friends he approved of or knew. I wasn't allowed to have a personal life of my own.

• I wasn't allowed to stay out until late, even if I said what time I was coming back. I was on a curfew.

• Money had to be spent his way. He was allowed to spend it all on hobbies, while I was told I couldn't do that, and if I tried buying something for myself, he would hit the roof.

• He was allowed to hurt himself around the children, and he was allowed to hit, punch, and punish me when I got angry or said something he liked, when I tried defending myself, then I was 'the violent one,' or deemed 'mentally ill.'

• He was allowed to tell me what to do, boss me around, and call me names. I wasn't because then I was agressive.

• He would hurt me, then tell everyone I hurt him. He was allowed to call me a 'psychopath,' and tell everyone I was useless. He was allowed to tell everyone that I was horrible to him, and he would be believed. If I tried telling my truth, everyone would turn on me, or excuse his behaviour.

• I wasn't allowed to talk to my male friends. I was only allowed to talk to male friends he trusted, or I was punished and accused of going behind his back.

• He would stay out late, or walk out without saying where he was going. If I did that, then I was accused of having an affair, or I'd get into trouble for 'breaking the rules.'

• He would do something, then blame me.

• He expected me to be spotless, and he let his family walk all over me.

• If my room didn't satisfy his family, he'd let his stepparent take over and it did not matter what I said.

• He would go mad, if he was asked to look after the kids. Something I stopped doing, because when I came home, the entire house was in chaos, and the kids wouldn't be settled; even late at night.

• He expected me to change my personality, because he could not live with me.

• He would hurt me if I didn't comply, and then deny it. During these times he would complain to family, and tell them I was the bad one, and often he would succeed.

• Healthcare wasn't a priority. I was stopped from seeing a dentist to get my teeth fixed because I was told I 'shouldn't leave the kids with him, because it was my job to look after them.'

• He'd cause fights with others, by blaming them for things I did not do, then he would blame me.

• I went to see a friend one night because I'd had enough. When I came home, there would be a lot of people in my house. If I did the same, I was accused of neglect.

So there you go;

This is not all of it. I'd need several very thick books to write about the whole thing, but this is the honest truth, laid clear and bare.

That was the worst relationship I had ever been in. I didn't leave straight away, because I was terrified, and everyone believed him.

When I tried leaving, he would bring out his soft, innocent side, and because of that;

I'd end up staying just to keep the peace.

This is not a dig at anyone.

It was written to put the truth out there clearly, as this past relationship affected me for decades, and left me with many other horrid cycles of abuse, after I had managed to escape.

I shouldn't have had to live with the trauma of everything that happened for as long as I did, while he got away with it.

I shouldn't have had to lose everything to the long years of serious mental damage it caused me for many years afterward.

I would like to end this true story by saying, I have risen from the flames of that trauma, today.

My life is different now, and I have made so many friends I never knew I was capable of singing, some are writers, authors, singers, actors, dancers, nurses, doctors, teachers etc, and many are carers like myself.

Some of these people have had their own horrific pasts to contend with, but each and every one has had an influence of strong encouragement and support in helping me to get where I need to be today.

I would like to thank my biggest friend out of all of these friends for giving me the strength to carry on caring for my husband, and for encouraging me to record my first cover.

Something I still intend to do, once we get moved!

I have to keep his name anonymous for protection reasons as he is very big in the world of music, though many of you already know him.

My thankyou is not complete without thanking all of you here at Vocal.

Without you, I wouldn't have realized just how much potential I have as a writer, and I would have regretted not doing the two things I have always known I'm best at:

Writing and singing.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart, because the writers and my writing have enabled me to find my true self, and not the fake, horrible person I was made to believe I really was.