I Met My Greatest Critic...And I Married Him

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines the verb criticize as “to consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly: evaluate or “to find fault with.”

Anyone who knows my husband knows how much research and analysis he performs on a regular basis. His interests range from simple customer reviews of a product to how and what an item is made of, to historical literature, and political opinions. He finds a reason to analyze nearly everything, myself included. While many people, family, coworkers, and sometimes even friends may find this strange or a negative quality, I must disagree.

Here are the reasons why:

He challenges my views in a positive manner. He never chastises me for having the views that I have, he simply wants me to seek more awareness and evidence for the views that I hold. When someone wants to know why, when someone asks you to learn why you believe what you do, you become more open to and aware of yourself. Your beliefs become stronger, but you are also able to listen to the reasoning of others. You are open to change and aren’t simply justifying what you believe to be right to yourself and everyone else around you. You don’t simply project your beliefs to others just because you feel you’re right and justified to do so.

He makes my “hobbies” a priority. When I am frustrated with something I have written, many times I will shred or throw away what I’m working on. People in my past may have told me it was garbage or useless, but my husband will get that piece of paper out of the garbage and objectively review it. He’ll point out the flaws, but that means he is pointing out where it needs tweaked. When he takes that sheet out of the garbage and analyzes it, it gives what I’ve spent time working on value-not just to me, but to him as well. He looks over that sheet as if it is worth something. If he thought it was worthless, he wouldn’t bother.

He asks me to make difficult decisions. I’m usually angry at him when I’m presented with feeling “forced” to decide. Note that I don’t say he is forcing me to decide, just that I feel forced to decide. I fear reproach from others (sometimes others that shouldn’t even matter), so I hesitate and delay things I should act on sooner, oftentimes to the detriment of my health. When something becomes detrimental to my health, he will notice and call me out on it before I will acknowledge it as an issue. This doesn’t mean I don’t know there is a problem or that I am unaware of how self-destructive I’m being; it just means I’m trying to ignore it. He never lets me ignore it for too long. An example was when I was working two jobs.

I had a “steady” position that had health insurance benefits for both of us. It was also a position people didn’t look down on me for working. The salary wasn’t great, but it was reliable. I was “putting in my time”, and it was a “good start to my career” as family and acquaintances put it. I didn’t fit in, I had nightmares, I couldn’t make a positive difference and it weighed on me. Some parts of the position I enjoyed, but for the most part I told myself I needed the job. At my weekend part-time job, I was a completely different person. I felt warm and welcoming toward others. I didn’t have to pretend or force a smile that wouldn’t come. My boss was supportive, encouraging, and fun. He treated me more like a friend and comrade than an employee. Many of my coworkers did the same. I enjoyed being there (which is why I stayed for four years). For all the interactions I had with others, the majority were positive. Had things not changed, I would probably be there now. I couldn’t get more than part time hours at that job. There was no status. The money wasn’t bad, but the hours were significantly limited, and there were no health benefits. I worked both jobs every week, and rarely took time off from either. My husband and I had been married for about a year. His job had him stuck on night shift which was rough on him, and we rarely saw each other. He would ask me to take time off, but I didn’t. Looking back, I realize how wrong I was. I was manic, and when my desire to help others conflicted with my “reliable” job’s description, I relapsed into my self-harm behaviors all over again. I became no different from the people I wanted to help. My husband did not enable this behavior. He had warned me about it from the earliest stages. I didn’t listen. Finally, he had enough. He gave me an ultimatum “You need to quit one of your jobs or you’re going to lose me. You can quit the one that is killing you and keep the one you like or keep the one that is making you miserable and quit the one you like. If you continue working the job you can’t stand, you’ll need to find a better way to cope with it or you could still lose me. You’ve already lost yourself. I hope you make the right decision.”

Many spouses hear something similar when in a similar situation. Many spouses blame the person it is coming from. Many find it justifiable when a spouse says something like that to you to walk away from that spouse and continue doing what they are doing. However, he was right. It was my wake-up call. He told me he would be there if I picked the job I enjoyed. If I found myself again and stayed true to myself, he would still be there. If I was going to make my health a priority, he would support me. If I was going to continue being unhealthy, he wasn’t going to go along with it. The only promise he had ever asked me to make before and when we got married was to stay true to myself. He was looking out for me, and criticizing the judgment I had gone so awry in. He put up with the neglect I had dealt him throughout this whole time period because he knew I was neglecting myself as well. It takes a present observer to acknowledge that, but he did not have to continue going through that neglect. He already saw that we weren’t working as partners on a team. I wouldn’t let him, and now we both needed to get it together. What he was really making me do was ask myself what was important to me. Was it my relationship with him and my happiness at my other job or my status and benefits with my “stable” job? What was I willing to sacrifice? Years later, he told me how nervous he was that I might not make that decision. He was afraid he had already lost me, and that I might have been too far in to not come out. He was just hoping part of me was still left. So, why am I telling you this story?

Sometimes critics are just that. Sometimes their judgement comes from a place of insecurity or self. Sometimes it is used to condemn, but the best critics are those that teach others how to improve for the sake of caring for themselves. I wouldn’t be who I am without my husband, and I would not be confident enough to show who I am to others without fear of being chastised for it. He hasn’t changed me so much as taken what was always there and helped me develop it. I could fight his criticisms and critiques. Many spouses would. If I look at the intent and where it is coming from though, it is not a place of self-interest. His care and criticisms come directly from the heart. Marrying someone who “goes with the flow” and tells you what you want to hear may seem like a good idea at the time, but not necessarily be good for your personal growth in the long run. Marriage is full of challenges and obstacles, not just the ones you throw at each other, but the ones life gives you. If you have someone who is supportive, and objective telling you something, listen. It’s very easy to get offended when you feel your views or ideas are being threatened. We all do it. At the end of the day, ask yourself if that person has your best interests in mind or their own. Then, decide whether their criticism is important to you based on the answer to that question. I’m glad I married my greatest critic because he is also my greatest supporter.