I'm The One

There was a time in my past when I settled for being the second option. Sometimes the 3rd, 4th, or even 5th. My self esteem sparked with just fragments of attention because I had been so used to little or none. I fell into situations with people who would sprinkle their affection and catch me in their traps. It was simple, it was easy. I followed their bread crumbs into continuous destruction of my feeble soul. I would take short periods of acceptance, just so I could feel the relief from the torment of my codependency.

When I failed to establish boundaries, I allowed the insecurities of others to pull me in effortlessly. Without resistance they were able to use me to console their own suffering. I fell victim to their manipulative schemes. My desire for human connection was sought out as a temporary fix as they drained me dry.

I was the green grass they stood in while they clung to the fence, desperately scanning for greener. The whole time leaving me to beg them to water mine.

I was the one they settled on while they continued to roll the dice for the unattainable ones they truly wanted.

I was the one they finally called back when the ones they were chasing after refused to engage with them. The one they brushed to the side when the their number one popped back up to give them sprinkles of attention.

I was the obtainable one. The one they might have a better chance with. The one they could place into position temporarily to distract them. The one to feed their ego while they were cast aside by the ones who didn't desire them in return. The one that mended their wounds that others had given to them.

I was the one they could get away with using, manipulating, lying to, taking for granted and then discarding when I filled their cup as they emptied mine. I was the one that would become useless when I was all used up, drained, and undesirable. I would be completely consumed like an energy drink. Then tossed in the garbage as they took the fuel I had given them, the ego that I had charged, the love I had poured into them, to win over a more desirable option.

It took numerous lessons not learned to transform from codependent to dangerously independent. I have surpassed the healthy level of interdependence and shot straight to an unhealthy perception of “Let them.” Let them walk away, let them leave, let them not see the significance of who I am.

I’m so good without their inability to see a good thing right in front of their face. Let them believe the grass is greener where they’re not watering it. Let them believe they can find better. Let them continually seek attention because of their own insecurities. Let them play games and be manipulative. Let them lie. Let them, because what I will no longer do is let them use up my energy to do it.

It’s a slap in their face when they discover that I’m not the 2nd option, or the for now option, or the attainable option. I’m not even the first or best option. If there's a spot I need to fit into, then that spot can shift at any time. That’s no longer acceptable for me.

I’m the only option.

I’m the one you never find again. I’m the one you obsess over and the one you are too scared to lose. It’s me or nobody and I don’t care if that seems unrealistic. I don't care if that seems like a fantasy or a Disney mentality. I’ve spent too long being less than second, so I refuse to accept anything other than only.

That means if I sense that I'm being placed into a position, I'm gone! If I so much as sense the rearranging of my level of worth, I’m done! I will not be the back up plan, the best option, or the good enough alternative. The moment I recognize the pattern, I’ll slip away. But not before I take all of my power back that I selflessly handed over.

I’ll destroy an ego before I allow anyone else to siphon any amount of my energy. Everything I poured into someone, I’ll have no shame in taking back. I’ll leave them believing I was just another notch in their belt, an accomplishment they can check off. They’ll think they got away with my power as they attempt to run full speed on their high horse. That is until I viciously yank them off. When you’ve accepted your own demons, you gain a gift of seeing others. They think they’ve played me until they’re staring themselves in the mirror, questioning their own existence. Then, right when I’ve shifted their perception, I’ll slam the door in their face.

Don’t come into my life thinking you're going to charge your battery with my vibrancy. Think twice before you attempt to grab a hold of my spirit, because I've spent too long staring down karma. I’m familiar with her dance and I know her mannerisms. I’ve studied her, learned her patterns and have gotten pretty good at understanding her intentions. She’s watched me fold and break under the pressures of mankind. I’ve earned a few favors.

Once she strikes, I’ll be long gone, because I’m the one someone doesn't jeopardize losing. I’m the one somebody waits their whole life for. I’m the one that will give everything I’ve got until I’m given just one reason not to. I don’t care if that leaves me alone with myself, because I recognize how great I am.

I am the one who knows I’m worth fighting for. No one else has given me any reason to believe that I’m worth giving myself up for. No one has provided the peace that I have given myself. I am the only one who knows I am the only option. I am the only one who chooses me over anyone else. After being selfless for so long, I’m now ok with being perfectly selfish. I'm it, I’m the one!