I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I pushed for a relationship you weren't ready for. I'm sorry that I loved you so much it made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry I was depressed and it drove you crazy for months. I'm sorry I thought about a future with you. I'm sorry if that kiss on your cheek may have made you cringe and put the nail in the coffin of our relationship. I'm sorry you have no empathy for someone who has been in your shoes. I'm sorry my love wasn't enough. That I wasn't enough. I'm sorry that the person you actually are head over heels for doesn't feel the same for you and never will.

But, I felt like I died the day I said goodbye to you. Maybe I came on too strong, or it was just variety of different things, like our genders, others opinions, and immaturity. I've now experienced true heartbreak for the first time and it is so easy to drown in.

True heartbreak is when the person you love lies to you about their past and their feelings for you. True heartbreak is when you expect compassion and you get cold shouldered or just shut out. True heartbreak is when you feel like dying, and the person you love doesn't seem to care at all. True heartbreak feels like losing a limb once you finally have the strength to let go. True heartbreak is finding out that the person you love still has very real feelings for someone else.

I'm still suffering. I'm trying to move forward, but everyday brings up something about us and it just kills me, like a shard of ice in my chest. I hate that you still have a hold on me. Even though we aren't talking anymore, its like I can hear our last phone call in my head on repeat, calling our relationship disgusting...that you regret everything. That you still want to be friends. HA! Not after that sweetie.

There is a lot I'm not saying because its way too personal. But I'm sorry I still love you. I think in a way I always will. I don't hate you, just the things you did and didn't do. I know I have some faults of my own in this mess. But this is me ranting and crying over you. I hope this is the last time I feel like I need to do this. I'm sorry for what I've put you through, if I ever have. And I'm sorry that I have feelings for you, that you find gross. I'm sorry for you, that you feel like you can't accept love from certain people.

And that's all I have left in me to write about...I can't...its too much for me to take. It hurts all the time, and I don't know what to do except write it out or I feel like it won't come out right. If you ever see this which I hope you never do, I'm sorry for putting our business out there for people to read, but I feel like others have felt the same way I do and maybe even you.

So that's why I post this for others, and it gives me a release that's almost better than therapy. I can't help how I feel just like you can't help how you feel, I just wish it was the same as me. I want you to feel the loss and pain I feel. I want you to feel the love I had for you now that I'm gone. I want you to crave me like I craved you. We wasted two years on what I know now to be empty feelings on your side. Had I known what I'd come to find out, no time would've been wasted, none of this would've happened.