I’m no Feminist But Men, We Need To Do Better

I’ve reached a point where I can’t do something nice for a girl without feeling like a simp. This year I not only turned 28 but also learned the meaning of the word simp. (I’m not English).

Before this, I always took pride in making people feel better. I for example learned art at 24 because I wanted to come up with a drawing as a gift for my friend. Back then, my intentions weren’t complex. I could safely say that most of them were quite selfless.

But now, I not only think that it isn’t the case anymore but I also doubt the so-called selfless deeds I did for people — Especially my female friends.

Therefore I want to make a conscious effort in changing that.

Origins

It all started when I decided to make a 10-piece carousel Instagram post to celebrate the birthday of one of my close friends. I always did this for all my friends. I kind of looked forward to these days because their birthdays were an opportunity for me to remind them how special they were in my life. It didn’t matter whether the friend was a boy or girl or whether our friendship was one week or 10 years old.

This day was just like any other and I expected all reactions to be similar to the previous times. And I was right for the most part except for one response that came several months later.

“JAMES, YOU SIMP”

One of my friends had used the share feature to send me the carousel that I had made and he added those three words to accompany the share. I of course looked to google to figure out what simp meant and in an instant, I understood what he was talking about.

The problem

In society, we (regardless of gender) are taught that nothing is for free. Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Straight men still make friendships with women they are attracted to expecting mostly sexual favors and this motivates much of the good they do for women. If that woman is only interested in being a friend, that's a friendzone that most men avoid more than the plague.

Many men are now motivated by sex to acquire basic human values or to adopt responsible lifestyles. Search the internet and you’ll find many videos on how to become a confident man. The content in the videos does not sell you the idea of being a presentable human being but rather promises you that confidence will get you laid. The same goes for people building 6packs in the gym, MLM, and other pyramid schemes targeted towards men that promise you a life on the beach with hot girls in bikinis or why so many men search for how to get out of the friendzone.

When men aren’t busy acquiring skills or building bodies that will make them competitive in the eyes of females, a lot will think and talk about sex most of the time in their male groups up to 19 times a day. And before you say that is not a problem, consider how respectful you are when exploring those fantasies. I can guarantee those talks have little or nothing to do with cuddles and kisses. (sorry girls, there are no candles and starry nights)…If you know your way around the porn lexicon, let's just say that whatever is discussed pushes the limits of hardcore until derogatory becomes the second name of the thinker.

This goes on for some time until the talks and all the porn cannot satisfy the male desire and said individual looks outward. Disrespectfully sliding into girls' DMs. One friend of mine was told by a boy that she would get r**** until her intestines popped out if he ever found her by any chance. Another boy asked a girl to put her turd in his mouth.

Some men however move past these threats and fantasies and actually act out their desires without regard for the other person’s life.

The majority however never aggressively act out their fantasies but some cross over into their mid to late years with the same fantasies playing in their minds. By this time they have some money and probably connections too so their “creepy” comes wrapped in favors and money for the girls. Imagine a 60-year-old man and a 20-year-old girl… It's here that I feel we need to remind ourselves that someone who is young enough to be your daughter or granddaughter has no business seeing your junk — I digress.

Moving on…

I do blame all men (including myself) for letting this happen. I understand that society has made many of us grow with a sense of entitlement. Some cultures still kill their baby girls or still value girls less than boys...I understand all that.

I however blame us, men, for setting the bar so low for ourselves. A man shouldn’t have to be rewarded for being a decent human being. That should be the baseline of what’s expected.

Some men think that respecting women would make women step all over you. And maybe that is true and maybe not. It however has nothing to do with how the women will treat you but rather how you choose to address your insecurities.

When it comes to men’s sexuality, it's the wild west out here. Many men simply feel they always need to have their way with women. One man once told me that women were meant to “service” men 😦 … I’ll leave this one at that lol.

Some suggestions

1. As a man, you don’t always have to have your way. It's self-explanatory but I’ll repeat it nevertheless… Women are people with free will and as men, we have to understand that sometimes they aren’t going to accept whatever we suggest and we have to normalize that. I’ve been rejected once(a story for another time) and it sucks. But learning to stop yourself from acting out all your desires simply builds character and stops you from being a hollow individual at the mercy of your emotions and whether or not your blood has flown to(you know where).
2. The baseline for what is expected of men should be raised to match basic elements of progress as well as minimum human decency. This can’t be done by all men as a collective but each man interested should embody these ideals as their basic way of life.

In closing…

Women have gone through a lot at the hands of men that this article cannot even begin to get into a bit of it. But each man has a personal obligation to improve the way he treats and relates to women. Am sure we are going to fall short a lot of the time. There is no switch to flip that will change any man in an instant but it is the progressive effort we as individual men put in that will count.