I Love You Too

To be, or not to be? This is the question I've always asked myself, even before I discovered Shakespeare and his Hamlet. I've asked it so many times that I even put a price tag on it...a billion dollars sounds about the right cost. I've asked it so many times even my husband would say it to me jokingly to cheer me on whenever I get ready to go to an audition or I'm just memorizing my lines. Speaking of my husband...

I first met Kawika in Korea, January of 2003. We were assigned to the same unit. It was hate at first sight, well at least for me. I thought he was disrespectful and arrogant! We ended up working together on certain assignments. Turns out he was actually a pretty cool dude. We became friends. And from this friendship, hate became like, and like became love.

This man comes into my life and ruins all the plans I had set for myself. I had vowed to never fall in love, never get married, never have kids. But! Kawika comes into my life and I fall in love, I get married, and now have 2 beautiful & preciously rambunctious boys. I now realize how blessed I am that he had changed my plans. I keep thinking that it really was an act of God that he screwed up my plans, because he actually made them better!

Of course everything wasn't perfect, especially with my struggle with depression. But Kawika was there for me when I had my first "breakdown" in the military up to his very last breath. He had been by my side through my recovery journey and never giving up on me. Through our ups and downs, and upside downs, mistakes and misunderstandings - he always had faith and hope that things will be better for me.

I never understood why he kept believing in me... why he kept loving me. I saw myself as a worthless monster, not capable of being loved by such a wonderful man. But he continued to show unconditional love, even at my worst moments. I don't remember a day that has gone by that he didn't ask me "did I tell you today that I love you?" I would roll my eyes and say "yeah I know, you said it many times!" He would just smile and say back to me "well... I love you!"

I really miss hearing his voice saying these words to me. I wish I could go back to every single moment he had utter those words so I could just answer him back "I love you too!"

But I can't go back. I can't change history no matter how hard I wish. So I've decided to honor the love Kawika had always given me by doing my best to love others. To love our two boys to eternity. To love family and friends even through misunderstandings. To love strangers because you never know what kind of friendship can transpire. And to love myself no matter my past mistakes and future ones.

I jokingly say to myself that I am tri-polar. I get slightly manic, at times; I get depressed, at times; and every now and then I reconnect with my true self. And in the midst and outer limits of my triangle, there is a story... A Hero's Journey

and this Hero's name is

HPD Officer / Army Sergeant First Class Rt

David "Kawika" Paul Ka'iwapua'aali'i Marques.

I feel Kawika's presence in my heart and I am so grateful that he was part of my life... that he is part of my life. And now whenever I look up to the heavens and stare at the stars, I proudly whisper to him "I love you too!"

And what about this billion dollar question of mine?

Well Kawika answered it for me-

Be... until it is your time... Not to be.

This is my true answer!