I know who I am - an essay

You ever have those people who try to say they know you better than you know yourself? They're full of it. They can know aspects of you, but only you know who you are. They know their perception of you, which is tainted by who they are and more about them than you.

I've only really felt judged a very few times in my life. I felt judged for not fitting in when growing up in a small town. And I felt judged by people who treated me poorly and got upset when I quit putting up with their nonsense.

Small town, big city

Let's start with this -- I have never been a small-town person. I was born in a big city and raised in a small town. The small-town mindset never made sense to me. Sure, I live in a small town now, but I know only one other person in this town who doesn't live under my roof, and I plan to keep it that way. I don't want to know the local gossip -- never been much of a fan of that garbage. I don't need to know everyone's business, and I definitely don't want them to know mine.

In a big city, you can be invisible (until you make the wrong friends and they start to gossip about you ... but it is what it is).

From the first time I saw my birth certificate and knew where I was born, I longed to move there and see what a difference it was to live somewhere where not everyone knows everyone. And I did that. And I learned many lessons in the two times I lived there. Mostly, I learned that it's better to keep a small friend circle, stick with people with like minds, and not trust anyone who talks about other people behind their backs at the start of every conversation.

I'm a witch

Another reason I never felt like I fit in, especially in a small town, is because I am a witch. I started practicing witchcraft at the age of 13, over 30 years ago. Even today in the U.S., witches risk being attacked for their beliefs (which vary greatly between witches and pagan paths). In a small town, where most people are Christian, not many knew what I was doing behind closed doors.

I'd come out to a friend here and there over the years, but for a long time, my mom was the only person who knew I was a practicing witch. Now that I found my twin flame, all bets are off -- I tell complete strangers I am a witch or a pagan without thinking twice.

I started as a Wiccan and did mostly little love spells (I was 13, after all). In my 20s, I leaned into eclectic paganism, because I liked being able to create my own blend of spirituality and witchcraft. These days, I am still an eclectic pagan who practices grey witchcraft. I study Luciferianism and practice hedge and kitchen witchery. I am a healer, but I am not afraid to send back the negativity someone else sends my way. I don't do black magic, but I do have someone in my life who does. And I am okay with that.

I've had to hide in the broom closet too many times. I will never go back in there again, no matter what kind of smear campaign anyone throws my way. Understand: If someone tells you negative things about someone you don't know, you're just as bad as they are if you believe them without getting both sides of the story.

How to spot a fake?

I've been called a poser numerous times in my life ... mostly by people who hadn't gotten to know me yet. I want to talk about this because it encompasses many portions of my life.

I went to modeling school (graduated from John Robert Powers in Detroit in 1993). I was skinny af back then. Not so much now. I am in my late 40s, going through menopause, and have pretty bad arthritis in a lot of my joints, so exercise isn't easy. When I dove back into modeling a couple of years ago to help boost my own self-confidence, I saw a friend (who also claimed to be a model) talk about how people can't just decide to be models. The timing of the post meant it was aimed at me. Me ... who'd been modeling before she was even born. But, I digress.

A fake has nothing to back these stories up. I have photos from my runway show graduation and when I modeled for Wella. That former friend wasn't a fake either -- but she went about her actions all the wrong way.

Someone who claims to be something and then talks shit about others who are that same thing -- those people are usually fakes. They think the other person is cool, so they want to be what they are, but they think that being like someone else means needing to cut others down. Kind of the "I'm better than you are" mindset of a preschooler.

Fakes will change. "I'm goth," they may say. But one day they put all of their black clothing away and start dressing in outrageous colors, mixing patterns, and doing very non-goth things (and that's okay, wear what you want ... but call it what it is). I want to point out, I am not goth and have never claimed to be goth -- I just like to wear black.

What's not fake

And this brings me to what is NOT fake. I have been forced out of my black attire in past relationships because they deemed it too morbid or their family didn't like it. Now, I wear what I want and my wardrobe is literally 95% black, and the things that aren't black still have black in them. I'm not goth, I'm a witch. Black is a powerful and protective color.

Having to change to keep the peace in a relationship does not make one fake. Hiding in the broom closet does not make one fake. Ridiculing others for these things does.

Why does this stuff bother me so much?

I have been told by countless people since I was young that I am an empath. I've watched all the videos ... I can see it. I feel for those who get picked on and bullied. I was (and still am) one of them. I cry for movie characters. I even feel the emotions of friends when they're nowhere near me.

Are you an empath?

Sometimes we trust too easily, sometimes we don't trust enough. I struggle with this. It's because of people starting smear campaigns against me that makes me worry so much about what other people think of me. When you tell people negative things about another that are not true and those people don't do a little research to find out the truth it can damage a person's reputation ... it can also damage their career.

The dictionary describes a smear campaign as:

"a plan to discredit a public figure by making false or dubious accusations."

If you've ever had someone spread blatant lies about you, you know how harmful it can be to your psyche, your soul, and your life. I've always been the let go and move on type, but not everyone is the same.

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As an intuitive life coach and spiritual counselor, I am here to help other people get through these types of things. Whether you have someone bringing you down or it's your own self-esteem you're battling, I can help. Please reach out to Dr. Yvonne at [email protected].