I Get Angry At My Husband For No Reason (I'm Angry At My Husband All The Time)

Do you ever get angry? Of course. But, here's a less obvious question? Are you always clear who and what you are angry about?

Before you can decide what to do about your anger, you need to be sure you understand what the anger is really about, and who it is really towards. In the example below, Abby was frequently angry at her husband, only to discover she was transferring onto Lloyd her anger at her father's treatment of her as a child. So, you can't decide what you want to do about your anger until you fully understand it.

"You're suggesting my anger at Lloyd is really about my father, right?" Abby has been seeing me for several weeks. She has explored lots of reasons why she is, in her words, "irrationally" angry at her husband, but we have not made much progress.

"It's true, I have resisted talking about my father. But, I don't buy it. I've always known I'm angry at him. I don't think I have to go digging and probing the past."

"You don't," I say, "unless you want to save your marriage."

Abby runs her fingers through her hair. "You shrinks are all alike. Always wanting to dig up the past; always blaming things on your parents."

"No, I don't always want to dig up the past. Only when the past is interfering with your present. And, when everything else we've tried isn't making a difference in how you feel," I counter.

"Okay," she says reluctantly. "So what do I have to do?"

"Here's an exercise that will help you figure out what you have to do. I suggest you write your father a letter, not to be sent," I emphasize. "You must be free to say absolutely everything you feel, without worrying about his reaction. To remind you you're not to send it, I recommend you start with 'Dear F_g A_, Dad. And to ensure you keep remembering this is not to be sent, and to help you stay focused on your anger (it's so easy to slip back to intellectualizing or forgiving), I recommend you use a minimum of five swear words."

Even if you never swear, there is something about using swear words that help you go deeper into the anger. Many people avoid that. They say, "I've told my father (mother/brother) I'm angry. I don't' need to do anything more." However, if the anger still burns inside, or as with Abby, it gets transferred onto someone else, just stating you are angry isn't sufficient. This type of letter helps you get to the core of the anger, often something more significant than you can imagine.

Abby has trouble getting started. For several weeks, her excuser is some variation of, "I'm thinking about what I want to say."

I finally say, "You are thinking too hard. This is not a letter to think about; it's just to get at some of your feelings. When you think, you censor."

"I want to say just the right thing, though."

"That's part of the problem. You can't say the right thing until you know what you are feeling. Remember, this letter is not to be sent. If afterwards, you want to send him a letter, you can decide then what to write. Or, you may not even want to write him. You have no idea how you'll be feeling at that point."

The following week, Abby comes in with a five page letter. "You won't believe what happened." She grins sheepishly. We'll, maybe you will. I started off with all the old stuff - how angry I was he never came to my school plays; he never did anything with me. He yelled at me or ignored me. He never kissed me or hugged me. Then I went on, using all my swear words, at how angry I was he humiliated me, put me down in front of my friends. He never had anything nice to say about me or to me. I was on a roll. I remembered how I wanted him to teach me to drive, take me to Sunday School, help me open a bank account (when I was ten years old). I went on and on, ranting that if he had cared about me he would have treated me better.

"Then I found myself writing if he hadn't wanted to do these things, he shouldn't have been a father; he never should have had me. That led me to how he talks about my childhood as if we had done all these wonderful things together. My anger just plopped. I got horribly sad. My father didn't know me; he created in his head the father he wanted to be. That father, though, didn't exist."

Abby sits silently, staring at her shoes. "No, I would never send this letter. I don't know if I will ever even confront him. He wouldn't know what I was talking about. He fabricated my childhood; the real me didn't exist for him." She nervously crosses and re-crosses her legs. "What do I do now?"

I take this as a rhetorical question and wait.

"Well, the first good thing is that Lloyd and I are getting along so much better. It's as if the anger I was thrusting on him has been re-focused. This is major. My anger at my father is so deep, but it's totally worthless to try to talk to him or send any letter."

I remind her, "I said the letter you just wrote was for you, not him. And it seems you got a lot out of it. What's important for you from this? How can you use what you are feeling to help you?"

"I need to keep reminding myself I am a valuable person. I have bought into my father's image of me; I kept thinking something was wrong with me, and any time Lloyd criticized me, it was if he confirmed my father's belief - I'm worthless. I guess I've been living down to Dad's low expectation of me."

Abby thinks for a moment, then continues. "I'm going to have to let go of that. He didn't know me, so he couldn't have any accurate expectation for me. This changes so much - without changing anything. I mean, I'm still the same person I was before, but now I have to see who that person really is, not see her through my father's distorted eyes.

This should make a big difference with Lloyd. I don't have to fight him as if fighting for my life. It's not the end of the earth, when we are having ordinary arguments, probably like all couples.

It's all up to you! If you don't take this action to save your marriage, then who will?

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