I Choose you!

Strengths and weakness, good and bad, right and wrong. We try and see 2 sides to each story but what about the 3rd side? The 4th side? The 10th side? Not discussed and comprehended. Interesting point but not my point here.

I choose me. Why the fuck not?

I’ve only just chosen me, after many years of thinking I was. I got stuck in that ‘yolo’ attitude and thought that everything I did was my decision alone and no one could tell me what to do as I was my own independent self. How wrong I was.

I was wanting a new job / promotion because I wanted more money. Reality is that I’ve been told the money makes the world go round and without a promotion of good enough wage each month I was succeeding at life. Whereas actually I wanted a new job because I need someone to tell me my self-worth and the money was an added bonus.

I was wanting to post on social media, because I wanted people to see how ‘instagrammable’ my life was but only to be candid and cool. In reality I was needing attention and needed people to tell me how great I was to feel needed. Actually, this was a need to impress people that I didn’t need to but I yearned for it.

I was wanting to save money because having it made me ‘great at life’. In reality, I was limiting my day to day life because I knew I should be saving for a ‘rainy day’. Actually, this comes from being told that you should aspire to get a house to pass onto your kids.

These are just some things in life that I didn’t realise were because of my conditionally / upbringing / inner believes and thoughts / environment I was surrounding myself in. I know all these things can influence my thoughts and I actually didn’t want these things.

I didn’t want a new job / promotion as with more money, comes more responsibility and with that comes stress and not time to myself. I didn’t want to post on social media full stop, all those selfies and food pics and friend selfies and location pics were just for me, to look back on and remember. I didn’t want to save money because money is there for spending, not saving and what happens if I just sit on it and not benefit from it?

The choice that I have chosen for me is not going home for Christmas.

I moved away from my family home when I was 18 but each year I go back to it as I was brought up catholic and I’ve been confirmed and I so I do midnight mass, or should at least, and Christmas was always family time. I accepted this, I used to enjoy it but the older I got, the more of a life I gained and crated myself, the more I realised that I was going back each year out of habit, not out of wanting to go.

This year, I am doing Christmas in ‘my home’, in the life I have created outside of my family home. I am going to buy a tree, I’m going to be cooking the Christmas lunch for the first time, I’m going to be decorating myself and my house with festivities and I’m going to be one inviting people over to enjoy themselves. To be the host with the most. How exciting and likely stupid but what a memory?

COVID may have had something to do with this because I feel now that I can choose me, that I should choose me and so should everyone. Make your own decisions in life, you have control, don’t just accept it! To be your authentic self, you need to understand yourself first and where you stand on things and challenging yourself to think about this isn’t a bad thing, it’s great to self-reflect and assess your opinion on a matter or your thought or feeling on a situation.

I feel more my authentic self now then I ever have. It feels great. Be you for you, by you.