How to talk to a friend in a toxic relationship

In my experience, friends and family aren’t all that different from each other. Family are usually the people you are born to love while friends are the people that you choose to love. Either way, you love them and just like you would for your sibling or close relative, you want nothing but the best for your friends. Oftentimes, the best thing for some people would be a relationship. While I’ve not been in a serious one myself, I have seen many examples of how a relationship can be the best thing for both parties in a particular time of their lives. I’ve seen through my parents, siblings and friends the positive impact that a partner could bring to their lives and it has taught me to appreciate the fact that a relationship can often be the best thing to happen to certain people. I have seen how a relationship has made the people in it more self-assured, more comfortable in their own skin and have more peace of mind in the knowledge that there is always someone there to support them and vice-versa. I’ve seen people become more productive, more driven, more successful and sometimes even healthier as a result of a good relationship so much so that I sometimes questioned whether there would come a time where I could experience such a thing and not just look on from the outside.

That being said, this outsider perspective is not without it’s benefits. Having not yet been “blinded” by the potential joys that come with being in a relationship myself, I have also been exposed to my fair share of how one bad relationship could leave a permanent scar on a person’s life. I have seen friends fail exams that caused them to be rejected by colleges that they spent years working towards getting, abandon their hobbies and aspirations, forced to cut contact with their loved ones and even spiral into depression and addiction because of the influence of a toxic partner. As a friend, that is the last thing I want to see happen, especially to someone who has wanted nothing but the best for me as well. It’s even more frustrating in situations when you see them spiralling but thinking that they’re in a good place in life when they’re clearly not.

Having seen one too many lives ruined by a toxic relationship, some friends and I eventually decided to step in and voice our concerns and over time, we’ve had to do it to quite a few people. It was never the smoothest process where we admittedly put a few of our friendships at risk but over the years, I’ve come to learn various approaches that I am sharing here today in the hopes that those of you reading this could use in order to help your friends in a diplomatic and civil way that minimises the risk of any permanent damage to your friendship.

Things to note before speaking to your friend

Before speaking to your friend, there are a few things that you first need to understand.

Understand your friend’s point of view

First and most importantly, you have to realise that in most situations, your friend will not see things the same way as you do. As frustrating as that may be, you can’t blame them. Especially in newer relationships, it may be less apparent to a person that their partner is behaving in a toxic way and as the relationship grows, they may often try to justify it or downplay it as some kind of misunderstanding or paranoia on your part.

In my experience, the mere suggestion that a friend’s partner was behaving toxically could offend or insult them. Therefore, it is very important to understand this first part and not be overcome by frustration at your friend’s difference in perception. I always tell myself that if I were in the same situation myself, I would likely feel the same way. Nobody wants to see their partner as anything less than perfect so it is essential that you keep a cool head and learn to see things from your friend’s perspective too.

Look at your own reasons for choosing to help your friend.

Consider your own intentions for wanting to help. This will require a bit of soul-searching and looking inside of yourself. You have to be sure that you are a hundred percent committed to doing this for the sole purpose of helping your friend. Do not let your own personal dislike for their partner factor in as a reason for wanting to step in. As that one constantly single person in the group, I know what it’s like when some friends decide to not to come out as much or to devote more time to their partner. It’s a commitment and the way I see it, it’s no different than when I have something else to attend to that stops me from going out sometimes. Not seeing your friend as much as you used to is not an automatic sign that they are in a toxic relationship and it is not something you should hold against their partner. Instead, lookout for the more telltale signs of toxic behavior and its effects. Ask yourself the following questions.

• Does your friend seem overly afraid of their partner or constantly on edge in their partner’s presence?
• Does your friend feel the need to justify his partner’s behaviour or make excuses for them?
• Have you seen your friend’s partner display a pattern of toxic traits such as openly putting your friend down, threatening to leave your friend if things don’t go their way or being abusive or manipulative in any form?
• Have you not seen or heard from your friend for an extended period of time?

Consider these few behaviours and if you’re in a group, consult with your other friends too. If you all notice these things happening, chances are you are not overreacting and can step in to voice your concerns. Remember that as unlikeable as their partner may be to you, this should not be the focal point of your decision to say something. You are there out of love for your friend not for any feelings you may have towards their partner. There have been instances where my own opinions towards my friend’s partner were expressed and in the heat of the moment, hurtful things were said. I learned the hard way to avoid ever doing this again and to ensure that whenever I decide to say something, it is only out of concern for my friend. By reinforcing your concern over anything else, not only are tensions less likely to flare but your friend may also be more receptive to what you have to say as they can more easily see that you have their well-being in mind.

Bear in mind it won’t be a short process

Unless you’re in a situation where you fear for the immediate physical safety of your friend (where it would be best to intervene immediately and alert the relevant authorities), the entire process of expressing your concern to your friend, having them understand the situation they’re in and helping them through it is a very long one. I have been in situations with friends who were both extremely open to help and those who were far less receptive. Neither one of these situations were short, easy fixes and understandably so. You can’t expect a friend to just listen to what you have to say and instantly reach the desired outcome even if it is their own wish to do so from the start. In my experience, I have noticed these two main scenarios.

• The friend is fully aware that they are in a toxic relationship, wants to leave it and has accepted your help. However, there is something that is preventing them from going through with what they want. Oftentimes there is a fear of ending the relationship due to the possible fallout or consequences that they feel may happen or out of concern for how their partner would take it. You will have to be patient with your friend here and prepare for a slow and tedious process of discussing ideas and strategies to help them move past this relationship in a way that is most comfortable for them.
• The friend believes that there is nothing wrong in their relationship, shuns your help and questions your motives. In this case, the realisation happens much later and is often something your friend may figure out on their own. In this situation, you have to prepare for the possibility that even if everything works out in the end, there may be a period of time before this where you and your friend may not be on the best terms. This ties back to the first tip I mentioned earlier of understanding your friend’s point of view. You cannot fault them for being upset and you should always remain cool headed and supportive. It is especially important in this situation to not let tempers flare and wait out the storm until your friend is more prepared to accept further help from you.

While we are always eager to help our friends, we should not ever rush into a situation hot-headedly, especially one as sensitive as a friend’s relationship. It’s always best to have a feel of what to expect. Before raising the subject to your friend it will always be good to empathise with them, be sure that you are approaching them for the right reasons and to be prepared to commit the time and accept the consequences of bringing this up to them.

Things to consider when speaking to your friend

Now that you’ve made the firm decision to approach your friend and speak to them about the kind of relationship they’re in, here are a few tips on how you can translate your feelings and concerns in a way that is sensitive to your friend’s feelings.

Do not be confrontational or catch your friend off guard

Nobody likes being put on the spot, it’s that way with a lot of things in life but for something as sensitive as this, it is especially more difficult. One of my biggest mistakes was to just raise the subject out of the blue and expect to be heard in full. When my friends reacted negatively to that, I believed that they were being unreasonable. Looking back, I was the one being insensitive. I quite foolishly believed that by hinting at wanting to talk about this sometime that they would somehow contrive a less than honest response or that if I did not take an overly confrontational stance, they may not realise how serious I was in my concern for them. I could not be more wrong. In fact, many friends who were actually more open to listen to what I had to say ended up refusing to do so simply because of my approach.

Later in my experiences, I realised that the best way to initiate this conversation was to do it in a setting more comfortable to them. By keeping your friend at ease and maintaining a relaxed, calm demeanour with them, they are more likely to hear you out and in turn, allow you to better voice out all your concerns. Personally, I would recommend doing this over a nice meal or on a quiet day out. Depending on your friend’s personality, it might even be good to call them in advance to ask if you could talk about this and allow them to pick the time and place best suited for them to have this conversation with you. Keeping your friend at ease and comfortable when talking about them being in an unhealthy relationship, minimises the chances of them reacting negatively to you and increases their chances of being more receptive to what you have to say. Remember, they may not necessarily agree with you at this stage but they will be more likely to hear out everything you have to tell them.

Do not blame or needlessly criticise your friend for their choice in partner

It’s human nature to not like being told that you made a bad choice. It’s even worse when someone says that you made the wrong choice in a life partner. If you look at it from your friend’s point of view, it may seem like you’re insulting their intelligence and even if they do realise that they made a mistake, they won’t appreciate you rubbing it in their face. I was told this directly by two friends who I tried to help out many years ago and this has resonated very strongly with me. The best thing you can do is assure your friend that they did not do anything wrong on their part and that only somebody else could have seen what they were going through. This isn’t just to be nice but it is often usually the truth. Nobody picks a toxic person to be their partner on purpose without having a reason to believe that they are not without good qualities so don’t ever make your friend feel like they mindlessly dug their own grave and jumped in it. Remember, your friend is probably feeling pretty bad at this point and you are supposed to offer to help them out of this bad situation not make them feel worse.

Never make your friend feel like they have to choose between your friendship or their partner

A very common behaviour of a toxic partner is when they constantly make you feel torn between them and your friends. It is very controlling behaviour and has damaging effects on the person receiving the brunt of it. So, just imagine how much more damaging it would be to your friend if they experience this treatment from both you and their partner. Don’t ever stoop down to that level even if you feel like it may be the only way for your friend to consider leaving that relationship. Even though it may not be your intention to make them feel like this in the first place, if you ever notice your friend feeling as if they are pressured to make such a choice, be sure to reassure your friend that you will never put them in such a position. If your friend is forced to make that choice by their partner and chooses them over you, do not hold it against them and be there for them if they come back asking for your help later on. It is essential that when it comes to this situation, you must be the bigger person and remain committed to your friend. Although it may seem like they are not listening, in such situations patience and calmness makes a world of difference.

Know your place in the conversation

The main aim of this article is to tell you what I learned about approaching your friend in order to bring up your worries about their relationship. The process of coming up with solutions as to how to get them out of it is something that comes much later and can greatly differ from person to person. With that said, don’t overstep your boundaries in the initial conversation. Although your end goal is indeed to help your friend out of the relationship, your current focus is to first make your feelings known to them and then act based on their reaction to it. This was a mistake I know all too well. I used to assume that if a friend was willing to hear what I had to say, they automatically felt the same way as I did or if they didn’t, I had successfully changed their minds. This presumptuousness was actually the last main thing I had to get over and since I did, it has served to benefit my ability to address my concerns regarding my friends’ relationships. Thus, when first approaching them, only tell them what you feel and how concerned you are. Depending on your friend, you could also ask for their own views in response to this. However, never offer “solutions” right at the get-go because this may come off the wrong way. Your friend may feel like you are prioritizing ending their relationship over expressing a genuine concern and this more often than not will cause tensions to rise. Although, I mentioned that you must be prepared to assist your friend before approaching them, only offer your assistance if asked. If they feel like they do not need it, reassure them that you will still be there when they change their minds and never resent them for initially refusing your help.

With these tips in mind, I have been able to have meaningful and productive conversations with my friends and I take a small bit of pride in knowing that everyone I spoke to in the past two years were able to eventually leave their unhealthy relationships before any permanent damage was caused to them. My only regret is that I did not learn these lessons sooner as there were quite a few friends whom I tried to help earlier on that did not come out completely unscathed. My only hope is that by writing this article, you will not need to make the mistakes I made to get yourself to a stage where you can have an open and candid conversation with your friend regarding your feelings on them being in a toxic relationship. Remember, although you have a right to voice out your concerns to your friend, you have a responsibility to do it in a way that is sensitive to them and in their best interest. After all, we only want the best for our friends and there’s few things better than knowing that the relationship they are in is healthy, loving and mutually beneficial for the people involved.