How to end dependence on others

A few months ago, I decided to end my financial dependence on my mother.

I had 84 cents in my bank account, no place to live, and my only income came from a part-time job and several freelance projects.

While the timing may have been a bit dramatic, there was a sense of urgency to my decision. I was desperate to break out of the repeated cycle of leaving home, only to return with my tail between my legs and no money to speak of.

Every time I came home, my mother would offer to pay my bills, and I would accept, despite our secret resentment.

I realized I wasn't living up to my full potential because I didn't have to. I never lasted very long because I knew that if I failed, my mother would always be there to help me. I can quit when things get too difficult, too boring or too routine.

I did give up.

Not only was I using her, I was sabotaging my own growth and personal development.

The financial independence that freed me from my mother meant no longer accepting her help. It also meant seriously pursuing my writing career to generate additional income. I walked three miles to and from work to save on gas and transit passes.

I slept on a very uncomfortable futon in someone's living room. Sometimes, I don't eat for days until my next paycheck arrives.

It was a humbling experience and lesson that I hope I don't have to repeat. But, by challenging myself to become independent, I've learned a lot about who I am and what I'm really capable of.

Set up independent

The relationship between a child and a parent is just one of many relationships that may require one or both people to develop independence. Other examples include relationships between romantic partners and friendships.

While each relationship has its own complexities, I've learned that there are usually three steps on the road to independence: declaration, separation, and reconnection.

1. The statement

The first step in the process is to declare your independence. Think of the statement phase as cutting the emotional umbilical cord. In this phase, you share your intentions independent of others.

Such statements may be met with confusion, anger, sadness, and a variety of other reactions and emotions. Here are some things to keep in mind when declaring independence:

Communicate your message confidently and confidently.

Keep your message short and to the point.

Use "I" statements to convey that your decision is not about them, but about you.

Don't feel the need to defend or apologize for your decision.

Release the need to take responsibility for the reactions of others.

The actual content of the message can be relatively simple. Consider this example.

"I am making some positive changes in my life, even though they may not be easy for me. I'm trying to take more responsibility for myself and my life. I want to become more independent and discover who I am. I have been relying on you (insert specific information), and I need to break away from that dependence and become more fully involved with myself. My decision is not a reflection of you. It's a statement about me and my place in life. So, for a while, I'm going to reduce my contact with you."

They may ask you for a specific time frame; In short, you can develop your independence and discover who you are whenever necessary.

2. Separate yourself

Separation means creating clear boundaries between yourself and others. This can be achieved through physical, sexual, financial or emotional separation - what is required depends on the nature of the relationship.

If physical separation is not possible, limit the time you spend talking or interacting with the person. Focus on defining healthy emotional boundaries and living by them.

Ultimately, the purpose of separation is to allow you to see yourself more clearly and discover what is necessary for your own happiness. In the space created by separation, you allow your inner self to speak. Distractions that were once caused by the needs, opinions, thoughts and feelings of others will begin to clear. You are finally able to distinguish between what is real, authentic and honest.

You become aware of needs that have been met by relying on others, and discover ways to meet those needs yourself. Maybe you rely on others to inspire you, soothe you, distract you from your problems, or make you feel loved.

What do you do when this person no longer plays that role in your life?

You learn to take responsibility for inspiring, comforting, and loving yourself. You can also begin to solve problems you once avoided or ignored. Separation allows you to truly experience your independence and regain power over your choices, actions, beliefs, and the emotional footprint you create and leave behind.

Paradoxically, the more responsibility you take on, the more freedom you'll have -- the freedom to be yourself and live your life with purpose.

You may ask, "How long should I be apart?"

It depends on the circumstances and nature of your relationship with others. However, it takes long enough for you to independently identify and understand your own needs, perspectives, ideas, and motivations.

For some, this can take days, weeks, years or even decades. Others may decide during the separation process that reconnecting is not a healthy decision, no matter how much time has passed.

A simple test would do that; Bring yourself in. How do you feel when you think about or interact with this person? If they are still mostly negative or confusing, you may not be ready to reconnect.

If you can't interact with someone without losing yourself, assess whether that person deserves a place in your life.

3. Reconnect the connection

The final stage is to reconnect. This phase involves developing a new agreement and renegotiating roles in the relationship. These roles should be clearly defined and mutually agreed upon.

Questions to consider:

What kind of behavior is acceptable? Can't accept it?

What do you expect of each other?

What are the consequences if these agreements are not observed?

Living with consequences is not an attempt to control or manipulate others. Rather, it's a matter of being very clear about what works and what doesn't. Once you convey these expectations, others have the right to decide whether they agree or disagree.

This process requires that you act in complete truth and in good faith. If something doesn't work for you and you accept it anyway, then you're not being honest with yourself and others. This often leads to confusion and pent-up anger.

State your intentions clearly.

Take the time to discover who you really are.

Renegotiate roles in the relationship.